As children we’re taught not to talk to strangers. Then we grow up to become one of two types of people: (1) those who talk to strangers, and (2) those who do not.
I’m the second type of person. I definitely do not talk to strangers. I have nothing to say to random people I run into at bars, in lines or at the grocery store. I barely even talk to the people I know, because most of you people are weirdos.
Some people think, now that I’m a grown up it’s ok to talk to strangers. And they are wrong!
Just because I rode one floor in an elevator with you, it doesn’t mean I have to tell you to have a good day. This elevator ride was less than a minute. Now let’s split up and go our separate ways, never to cross paths again. And if we do cross paths in the future, just pretend you don’t know me, because you don’t.
Don’t tell me what you’re about to order when I’m behind you in line at Shake Shack. I don’t care whether you get extra Shack Sauce or not. I don’t even care to ask the people I’m with what they ordered. I’m just here to get my Shack Burger, fries and frozen custard.
And definitely don’t try talking to me when you’re next to me at a urinal. I don’t know you, sir. And I definitely don’t want to get to know you right now, with my wiener in my hand and your wiener in yours. We’re both here to pee and leave.
Have you ever been at a car dealership, waiting on your vehicle and a veteran starts talking to you. Or any old person. It’s literally the worst thing that could ever happen. They start telling you all their racist political beliefs and you don’t give a damn, but you can’t say anything because they’re old and crazy and you don’t know what they’re capable of. You don’t know if this person is about to change your beliefs. So, you just shut up and nod your head in agreement. No, that’s never happened to you? Well it’s happened to me way too many times.
Maybe I don’t enjoy talking to strangers because only the strangest of the strange have talked to me. Maybe I should shave my face and stop looking like a homeless person with a job. Maybe it’s time for an extreme makeover to attract a different kind of stranger. A more normal, prettier type of stranger. One who will ask me interesting questions. Not someone who will tell me why they’re voting for Donald Trump, and why I should join the revolution.
Maybe it’s time to start talking to more strangers?
Ever since Jay-Z “retired” from music he’s gone into hiding. I don’t know if he’s into this Scientology stuff, if he’s a JeHOVah’s Witness, or if he’s just part of the Illuminati, but he’s definitely up to something.
This week I realized that I’m about 90-95% sure that Jay-Z had something to do with the “murder” of Prince (RIP Prince). Now, I wasn’t a huge fan or Prince, but I didn’t not like him either. The only Prince I really knew was Dave Chappelle’s portrayal of Prince in Charlie Murphy’s True Hollywood Story. Just as the death of David Bowie (who I already did appreciate before) got me listening to more Bowie, I was pretty sure the death of Prince would have me doing the same with his music.
It’s tough to listen to Prince’s music when you don’t have a Tidal subscription (like really tough, like almost impossible tough). I’m already subscribed to Spotify and Apple Music, I still haven’t been able to choose one to stick with. I like Apple Music since my whole music library is already on there with iTunes, also I can listen to Tay Tay, T.Swift, Swifty or whatever you want to call her. I was first a Spotify subscriber though and don’t want to give it up for my playlists, favorite artists and also because I can listen to it on my PS4 while I play games, all while controlling the music and volume from my iPhone or iPad (Technology Rocks!). I can literally play Star Wars while listening to the original Star Wars soundtracks (and I do it all the time).
So, I googled “how to [listen to Prince music],” as google suggested, since everyone else had already been searching. What I found was a bunch of articles. I felt like a detective who had just cracked a huge case. Apparently Prince had taken all music and videos off Spotify, Apple Music and YouTube and gone straight to Tidal, about a month ago.
Jay-Z definitely planned this whole thing. We don’t even know how Prince died. One day Prince is dead, then over the weekend Beyoncé happens to drop a new “secret album” with an hourlong documentary on HBO, but only for one day? Then, the next day all of this is on Tidal and Tidal only. If you want to (1) listen to Prince: GO TO TIDAL (2) Hear Beyoncé’s ‘Lemonade’: GO TO TIDAL, (3) watch Beyonce’s Lemonade Documentary: also, GO TO TIDAL.
I haven’t seen the full documentary yet, but it starts with Jay-Z cheating on Beyonce and how she dealt with it. I don’t buy that for a second. Have you seen how Jay-Z? He looks like a taller version of Beetlejuice (not Michael Keaton Beetlejuice.The weirdo, creeper from Howard Stern Beetlejuice). If you look like Beetlejuice and you get a Beyoncé you stay with Beyoncé. If anyone’s allowed to cheat on the other one, it’s Beyoncé. This whole “cheating scandal” was just a cover up to hide the real scandal: Jay-Z murdered Prince.
Accusing Jay-Z of murdering Prince is tough, because I grew up on Jay-Z. I owned and listened to all his albums. I watched his documentary, “Fade to Black.” But I don’t think I ever got to see him perform in person. Maybe one day, if he stays out of trouble and comes to perform in Miami, and tickets are FREE or cheap.
With the premiere of Game of Thrones being this weekend I thought of another thing about Prince. If Prince was a Game of Thrones character, he’d be Oberyn Martell. He’d be Oberyn because they both don’t discriminate. Prince and Oberyn both lie with women and men alike (or that’s what Prince wanted us to think). They were both royalty. Also, they were both full of potential, dying way too young and unexpectedly. RIP Prince. I look forward to listening to your music for the next 27 days until I have to cancel my Tidal subscription before I get charged 25$ for HiFi service. I need to do a comparison between the sound of Apple Music, Spotify and Tidal’s HiFi, to see if it’s true or just a load of BS.
This week I realized that the last heat game I went to was either during Year One of LeBron or Pre-LeBron. I can’t remember if LeBron was there or not. We were playing the Sixers and it was Black Friday. I know it was Black Friday because I had just mounted my new TV up on the wall that I bought that morning. Miss patty called me. The game had already started and she had just found out she had been given tickets. I kicked my friend out of my house telling him, “Get out! I’m going to Heat game!” We arrived after or during halftime. So, the last time I went to a Heat game I only attended 50% or less.
Why am I telling you this? Because the playoffs have begun and I still haven’t been to a game this season (or the past four or five seasons). Someone needs to take me to a Heat playoff game before it’s too late, and I’m forced to wait for another season. You’re probably thinking I could just buy tickets, but they’re hard to find during the playoffs, plus they are extra expensive.
Even when we sucked it was impossible to get playoff tickets. You had to get a pre-pre-pre-sale code. One time I had a pre-sale code for Amex cardholders and they held like 2 or 3 pre-pre-pre-sales before they even got to the Amex one. By the time I was able to search on Ticketmaster everything was gone. I’ve gone down to the arena the morning of a game, with all the dirty ticket scalpers and that didn’t work out either.
As a kid I would watch every single Heat game on TV. Back when we were no good. I would sit in my room, wearing my Tim Hardaway jersey, holding onto my basketball, yelling at my TV while watching games. I was happy when we won, and very, very angry when we lost (which happened much more).
When I got to Tallahassee for college there were no more Heat games to watch. We were forced to watch the Magic and the Hawks, so I stopped watching basketball. I still had my ESPN updates and Gamecast to let me know what was going on. Some time after college I decided that sports weren’t as important as I thought they once were. With less free time I decided to waste my time watching my shows, movies and playing guitar and video games.
I still remember the day LeBron said those magical words, “I’ll be taking my talents to South Beach.” I’m sure he quickly realized that the Heat don’t actually play on South Beach, but instead in a much smellier, dirtier Downtown Miami. At first I was excited to have LeBron on our team. That first season I watched most of our games, and all of the playoffs. I would get extra angry any time we lost a game. We had LeBron, DWade and the Bosh-man. And all those other dudes too!
After that first season I decided I can’t watch all of these normal games, because I got too angry seeing us lose with the Big Three. I knew we would make the playoffs, even if we weren’t trying. So I waited until then to watch the games that actually counted.
That year we won, and the next year I went through the same thing. Since LeBron was here and even after he left I haven’t been able to follow a full Heat basketball season. This is why I need one of you to take me to a Heat Playoff game. Please, re-ignite the Heat down in my soul! I am ready to believe in the White Hot Heat again, but I just need to see it live to get excited.
Or maybe I’ll attend a game with a nice friendly friend who decides to take me. And afterwards I’ll decide that TV shows are more important. People actually work hard writing this stuff to entertain me. Sports are just a bunch of well-coordinated high school bullies who grew up and made a bunch of money (That’s not true, some of them are nice. Look at Chris Bosh, that guys a huge computer nerd).
I’m not going to say I’m done with sports, because I’m not. I still watch FSU and Dolphin football, because those are only once a week. And I will continue to watch my Chelsea Football (soccer) matches whenever I do wake up for them. However, movies and TV will take priority, and of course video games. Thanks for listening. I look forward to hearing from one of you soon about going to one of these upcoming Heat games.
This isn’t something I recently learned, it’s something I’ve always known (maybe not always, maybe just since I finally visited one). I’m not a fan of strip clubs, and there are a few reasons why.
You may think one reason is because I believe in Women’s Rights. That’s not true. Yes, I do believe in Women’s Rights, and that’s why I think that any woman can choose whatever job she wants. Even if she wants to be a stripper. Hey it’s your body, do what you want with it. If one of my dude friends told me he wanted to be a man stripper, I’d say go ahead. Go get your man stripping on. Just don’t invite me to your job!
The main reason I don’t like visiting strip clubs is because I don’t want to find out what kind of people some of my friends really are. I like to think that I choose “good” people as friends, with a few exceptions (you know who you are…). At strip clubs, dudes let out their real feelings about the world, women and nasty buffets (if you go to a strip club for the food, you are definitely a bad person and no one should be friends with you).
People will show their true “Donald Trump” side at a strip club. Saying horrible things about these sweet ladies who are taking off their clothes just for your entertainment. Most guys just become construction workers at a strip club. They yell out all kinds of things to these strippers that they would never say to any girl on the street (unless there happened to be outdoor strip clubs).
I don’t want to know if one of my friends is that creepy guy who stands right in front of the stage with one dollar in his hand, waiting as the stripper goes from guy to guy, collecting their dirty money with her mouth. These guys just continue standing there, like “Oh, I’m next! So exciting!” Forget about sloppy seconds, you’re in the sloppy 1000s, buddy.
I try to give everyone I meet a chance to show me they’re an OK person before I decide they suck. This is not true while driving, because everyone on the road sucks at life (and at driving). But if I meet someone in a strip club, that’s already weird. You don’t go to strip clubs to meet people, unless we’re discussing some type of law breaking activities while we’re there. I’m definitely going to decide that person is a crappy person just from that one encounter.
I could just go alone to the strip clubs I guess, but that would be super creepy. Also, what if I run into someone I know at the strip club? Someone who I probably don’t like, because “Nice” people don’t hang out at strip clubs on a Tuesday.
Now that person thinks I’m a dirtbag too and I already think the same about them. Plus, I have to go talk to them now, “I know it’s a Tuesday and I’m hanging out at this strip club, but I just want to let you know I’m not like a strip club regular.” and they’ll have to answer with the same thing, “Oh yeah, totally. Me either, just waiting for someone to meet me here, then we’re going to the Olive Garden.”
I also don’t feel very safe in a strip club. Anytime I’ve ever entered a strip club in a GTA (Grand Theft Auto) game the sh*t always goes down! Someone gets shot, people are killed and horrible things happen. Every time. It’s just not a safe place to be. Maybe I should blame video games and movies. Most strip club scenes in movies don’t end very happy either.
I love the women and support their rights, and also any career choices they make. But that doesn’t mean I have to go to a strip club to show my support. So, if I don’t go to a strip club with you there’s nothing wrong with me. There’s probably something wrong with you.
Last week I announced to the world that I am going to start making Ice Cream for everyone… [for Money]. So, now I have to come up with a whole business plan and all that jazz. I didn’t think people were going to be so excited, but they were. Now I kind of wish I had more hands so I could make more ice cream for more people (having more hands wouldn’t really help at all. What I really need is more Freezer bowls, or maybe an industrial ice cream machine. That would be pretty sweet).
How did I get into this whole Ice cream thing? I’ll tell you:
A few years ago I was given an ice cream machine (by Buttnessa*), so I could make ice cream for her. And I did. We made a Mascarpone Chocolate Chip Ice Cream (a la Giada) that was delicious. And I’ve made it a few more times since. After making that ice cream I used the machine a few more times and then it just sat there for a while.
I found a Ben & Jerry’s recipe book for only $5 with very simple recipes. That’s when I began experimenting with more ice cream creations. This book told me to just quickly mix my ingredients together and throw them in the ice cream machine and see what happens.
Later, I came across a new ice cream recipe book from Bi-Rite Creamery in San Francisco. I’ve never been there, but I hope to one day go visit them (and let them know that they either changed my life and maybe some others). This book taught me about “cooking” the cream before freezing it (like some Walter White Blue Magic chemistry experiment ice cream). This was a much longer process, but with much creamier and much more delectable results.
I made a few recipes from the book and created some of my own, starting with their bases and adding whatever I felt like throwing in there.
This Christmas I decided to make ice cream for my friends, because that’s cheaper than buying everyone gifts and I had no money. It was during Christmas that I developed my own ice cream base recipe (which I will not share with anyone). Everyone loved their ice cream, and some of them told me their friends were over and tried some and said they would pay money for it. (I even made an ice cream birthday cake for my best friend, sIsI*).
It was through all this ice cream making that I came up with the idea to sell my ice cream to strangers and friends (for money).
So, starting some time in May, I will make the announcement of how to place your orders, what the name of my ice cream will be, what you can order and all that other good stuff. So, be prepared world (or people in Miami, because I can’t ship ice cream across the world, YET… but dry ice does exist, so keep your fingers crossed non-Miami friends) because my ice cream is coming for you! *The real names and identities of individuals named in this learning have been changed to protect those individuals.
This past Monday was my 30th birthday and if you didn’t say “Happy Birthday” by now, you’re already too late. I don’t care. Birthday’s are weird, right? Especially since the creation of the Facebook. I think Mark Zuckerberg created Facebook so he could have a database of all his friends’ birthdays. That’s not true. Mark Zuckerberg created Facebook because he had no friends and thought it would help, or was it because of his ex-girlfriend, Rooney Mara? It doesn’t matter why he did it, what matters is that he ruined birthdays.
Remember a time before Facebook? I’m talking pre-2004. When people had to remember their friends’ birthdays in their brain, or on a calendar. You would have to call your closest friends at 12:01 on their birthday, which later became a text anytime between 12:01 and 12:15. When you remembered someone’s birthday it was sweet, it could’ve even been enough to get someone to like you (not Facebook ‘Like,’ but like a real-life LIKE).
Then Facebook came along and ruined it. Now we’re bombarded daily with everyone’s birthdays and there’s no excuse to forget it. Also, you have to make a choice:
It’s Stacy’s birthday today! Hm, is Stacy a phone call friend? A text message friend? A Facebook post friend? A Facebook message friend? Do I give her a Facebook post and a text message? Do I call her at midnight, but then write on her wall tomorrow? What should I write on her wall? Just Happy Birthday? Happy Bday? Maybe just HBD, but that sounds like some weird kind of disease. Definitely not HBD. How about something more personal? Should I write a joke about that one time we kissed on the mouth? Should I make her an Instagram collage? Maybe a special tweet?
Facebook has now opened a can of birthday worms, and this can is opened daily. Some days there are like 10 birthdays, and I’m forced to choose my top 2 to 4 of them and write those people a message.
[TANGENT ALERT!] Do you know someone who gets really, really excited anytime they find out they share their birthday with someone else? Hey idiot! There are about 7.125 billion people in the world, but there’s only 365 days in each year, I think you’re going to share your birthday with a few people. Like million of them. (Also, I get excited about this too, unless it’s a shitty person).
When you think about it, birthdays shouldn’t really be that special. You didn’t do anything to be born. Birthdays are like buttholes, because everyone has one. Even Hitler had a birthday, and a butthole. So, that’s two things you now have in common with Hitler.
If anything we should give our parents gifts on our birthday, like the way Jesus does it. He sends his buddy, Scott Calvin a.k.a. Santa Claus to hand out gifts to everyone (as long as you’re a Cathy). I’m pretty sure this is how Santa got his job:
Hey Jesus! What you gonna do for your birthday?
Uh… I’m gonna give everyone presents!
Everyone?
Yup! Everyone! Well, everyone who believes in me.
Well, you better get started. You got a lot of followers.
I’m not gonna do it myself.
What? Who’s gonna give out presents for your birthday to other people?
Shoot! I’ll have that old dude that lives up North do it.
He’s got those magical deer.
You mean Old Saint Nick!
Yeah, him! What else is he gonna do on my birthday?
We don’t have to give presents to everyone for our birthday, just to our parents (but maybe not, because parents each have their own special day).
Even though birthday’s aren’t really that special I will continue to celebrate yours, mine and ours. And I will continue to post on your walls, text you, call you, Instagram collage you, and whatever new technology comes out. I’ll even WUPHF.com you if I have to. So, happy birthday to me and to everyone else this year.
I have friends who are on their phone about 90% of their day. They are constantly searching for a spot to charge their phone, because no matter how many times they’ve already charged it today, their phone is always about to die. They keep their phones at 0%, 100% of the time, because their face is constantly glued to it.
It annoys me when friends do this while hanging out with me or a group of us. It’s like, “Why are you even here? You can sit in your room and look at IMGUR, Reddit or whatever it is you’re doing, do it on your own time. Just don’t pull this crap on my time!”
It’s also like, “Guess who just called? The world. And you missed that call because you were too busy staring at a screen, but guess what? The world will call back, because it’s always calling, and you’re keeping it on hold. So, why don’t you just answer next time.” You know what I mean?
I too become obsessed with my phone, when I’m by myself. When I’m walking around town, picking up food, even driving in my car — which I know is very bad. I’ve seen the commercials of what could happen, I even made a horrible video, when I learned how to use a green screen in Ad School.
I guess I have the same problem as the ones who annoy me, just when nobody is around. My biggest problem is the Facebook iPhone app. I unlock my phone and my thumb jumps straight to opening the Facebook app — even when Facebook is already opened on my computer or my iPad right in front of me. It’s become a muscle memory.
This is why for Lent, I decided to give up two things. The first is using my phone while driving. I have been putting it away in the center console once I bluetooth my phone to the car. I get my podcast or music going, then I put my phone away and drive. I can now actually recall how I arrived at a place. I enjoy what I’m listening to. And I don’t almost get into multiple accidents every time I drive.
The second thing I gave up was Facebook — on my iPhone. I’m not addicted to Facebook, but it annoys me how I go on there when I have nothing to do on my phone. I’m better off playing Angry Birds, Hearthstone or reading articles and actually learning something — instead of reading Melanie’s* post on why she hates Donald Trump.
I deleted Facebook from my phone — including Facebook messenger. I deleted both the day before Ash Wednesday, because the Today show said that those two apps are what kill your phone battery. And it’s true. After just one day my phone had over 50% battery by the end of the day, and that never happens. After this I thought, Hey, I should give up Facebook on my phone for LENT, or all together.
I still check it on my computer, on my iPad at night, and if I really have to I can log on through Safari on my phone and it won’t murder my battery.
These two things have made my life better. I don’t get stupid notifications to my phone about Melanie** ‘liking’ my post. Or ‘[YOUR FRIEND] liked a picture of [NOT YOUR FRIEND]’, if I don’t know someone why are you telling me about it? Instead I now just get Twitter notifications about the Bachelor and who he’s going to choose tonight. You write one #TheBachelorSucks tweet and it haunts you forever.
I also don’t have to deal with Facebook trying to turn me into a stalker. “[YOUR FRIEND] is eating lunch two feet away from you. Maybe you should say hi!” Remember when they would send you those to your phone? It was always someone that you wouldn’t want to say hi too. It was more of a “Thanks Facebook, now I can avoid this person and leave through this back alley.”
So, try deleting Facebook’s multiple apps from your phone and watch how it improves the quality of life for both you and your phone. Also, pay attention to your friends when you’re with them. You never know how long you’ll have them around — you can get hit by a bus crossing the street as you stare at your phone, tomorrow.
*Melanie is a fictional character. I didn’t know who of my friends to choose for this part because everyone of them hates Donald Trump. So, I made one up.
I know many fools love St Patrick’s Day. They love wearing green, drinking green beer, swimming in green fountains and screaming out stupid things like, “Kiss me, I’m Irish.” That trick only works if you’re Irish, and it probably doesn’t really work too often, because about 90% of Irish people are Gingers. And who wants to kiss a Ginger? (I’m sorry, that was rude. I’m not here to attack the Gingers, I’m here to attack the fake Irish people. Also, I love Gingers, especially the lady kind).
So, yesterday was a big day for the drinking (or Alcoholics, as I like to call them). Back in Tallahassee (and probably every college town in America) the bars would open at 6am and stay open well into the evening. Who was there at 6 am? Probably the bros, who never attended class and lived in their FRAT houses, “No time for legs today, broseph. Gotta get to the Pub bright and early!”
In Miami, St. Patrick’s day is awful. It’s the one night of the year when the Irish bars and pubs actually charge a cover to get in (I’m talking about you Jonathan Martin’s). I would rather celebrate Irish heritage any other day and not pay extra money to eat some Fish n’ Chiops and drink a Guiness.
And since I’m on the subject of St. Patrick’s Day, why was St. Patrick such a drunk? And why did Jesus allow this drunk ginger to become a saint? Was he a sort of drunken Robin Hood, who would get drunk and help out the poor or others in need? What’s your story St. Patrick? And why is everyone drinking to celebrate it?
[this is the part where I ‘Googled’ St. Patty’s Day. I didn’t read much, just the first paragraph I found]
Apparently, St. Patrick was the Patron Saint of Ireland. He was a Christian missionary who brought Christianity to Ireland, and he wasn’t even Irish. But now there are so many Irish Patricks that it doesn’t really matter. I guess we celebrate his day with barrels of alcohol because he tricked the Irish people into Christianity, with the promise of free booze.
Think of all the parties or events you’ve been to just because they told you there would be “FREE beer and snacks.” Now imagine if they said “There won’t just be any beer, no. This beer will be green.” Of course you’re going to that party. And when you’re well and drunk you’ll sign whatever form or waiver they hand you. Congratulations, now you’re a Christian, enjoy your green beer and your green hangover fools!
The one thing I would like to see one St. Patrick’s Day…
Last week I learned a very valuable lesson about myself — I HATE STUPID ASS RULES!
On more than one occasion I’ve had an establishment tell me some dumb ass, made-up rule, and my opinion about that establishment instantly changed from, “Oh this place is kind of neat,” to, “EFF this EFFin’ place! I’m out of here, and I ain’t never coming back! EVER!” And there are three examples that I can think of off the top of my head, and two of these happened in the past two weeks.
# 1
The first one that came to mind is why PURDY LOUNGE is on my Blacklist (which consists of places I will not go to, and people I will not hang out with). My Blacklist isn’t written out anywhere, but maybe it should be. If I had an actual Blacklist to reference I could have written about endless occasions where a stupid rule has kept me out of places. I also could have wrote about the stupid people who I’ve blocked out of my life.
So, back to PURDY LOUNGE. I had only been about two or three times, and my rating was already a “HmmmMeeehh…” It was weeknight after class at the Miami Ad School (it may have been after a graduation, the one where I did my stand up set). I went with some friends from school to get pizza on Lincoln Road, at PIZZA RUSTICA (more like Pizza CRAP-stica! Am I right? HIGH FIVE!).
After Pizza, we decided to walk and meet some other school kids at PURDY LOUNGE. When we arrived the angry doorman told me, NO HATS ALLOWED. (Which was a big stinkin’ pile of BS, because I’ve seen people wear hats in PURDY LOUNGE. I’ve seen people in hats every time I had been there). I told him I could put my hat in my friends purse and he told me, NO, because then I would put it back on when I was inside.
The problem was my car was more than a mile away. He finally let me put the hat in my friends purse, but he did say, “If anyone sees you with that hat on, they gonna kick you out!” Yeah, I got it buddy, you’re very committed to this whole NO HATS POLICY you just made up. Like I’m some kind of idiot who is going to walk in and just put my hat back on. Then I walked into PURDY LOUNGE and everyone was wearing a hat *.
* I haven’t been to PURDY LOUNGE since then, and I plan on not going back ever. Not even for a birthday.
# 2
Some time in January a few of my friends and I decided we should learn how to Golf. Three of us already own golf clubs that we never use, so we thought — Hey, now would be a good time to learn. After over a full month of whacking balls at MELREESE by the airport, they decided to tell us, “Hey, you gotta wear a collared shirt here.” (and I told him, ‘Come on man! You don’t call them collard people?’ – Michael Scott, the Office, Season 1, 2005)
Up to that day I had only worn t-shirts, every time I went to MELREESE. My friend even wore a tank top one time. So, no sleeves is fine but if you have sleeves, you need a collar too?
If the guy would have told us this our first time, then maybe I would have said, “OK, collared shirt next time.” I do have my team USA soccer jersey which has a collar. But, since he waited over a month to say anything, I say EFF MELREESE! EFF it in the A, and I ain’t going back *.
* I probably will end up going back to MELREESE, and wearing my Team USA jersey, because my friends will go back.
# 3
The third incident happened last Friday. Sometimes on Fridays I go to the Gables to meet some friends after work, it’s for a thing called “Happy Hour” where the drinks are supposed to be cheaper, but they never are.
I always end up at Pasion del Cielo after work to write these things or do whatever work I need to be doing. Then, once someone tells me they are at THE BAR I walk over there and hang out for a bit. I usually don’t stay there for too long, because Friday nights at THE BAR = the worst people in Miami *.
* If you are reading this and you go to the bar every Friday, then you should know that you are a horrible person. But also, thank you for reading this and I love you.
This isn’t about the ‘horrible people at the bar’ though, it’s about the ‘horrible doorman at the bar.’ The horrible doorman who didn’t let me in because I had a coffee from PdelC. Last Friday was also ‘Giralda Under the Stars,’ where the street is closed down and filled with tables and bars. The man said I can’t bring ‘Outside Drinks’ inside THE BAR. It’s a Caramel Macchiato man! Not a glass of Ebola juice!
NO OUTSIDE DRINKS is a dumb rule. Especially that night because they had two outdoor bars that night. One in the middle of the street, and one in the back alley. So, everyone was bringing in ‘Outside Drinks.’
Now, thanks to this incident I don’t have to go to THE BAR on Fridays anymore*.
*But also this Friday I will be in Disney, so I may return to THE BAR next Friday, but I highly doubt that.
_____
Those are the three instances I quickly thought of. While writing this I thought of another NO HATS one, but that place closed down, so I win! If anyone ever gives you some bullcrap rule just don’t listen to them or leave and never come back. This is a good way to live a happy life. Maybe I just have a problem with Bouncers or Doormen?
I don’t usually talk about politics in my learnings (or in real life), because I don’t know anything about politics. Also, I think every politician alive is a dirtbag, and I might be related to a few of them. I’ve only voted once in my life, and I only voted because they sent a ballot to my house. I was able to vote on my couch, in my undies. Anytime I see the news on TV I quickly change the channel (because I hate being depressed). I get my news from the “Today Show” and late night monologues. The only current events I follow online comes from: [POLYGON, IGN] Video Games, [THE VERGE] Technology, [NERDIST] Nerd stuff and anything about movies, entertainment or pop culture. So, anything that I say here that sounds dumb, just know this. I am dumb. I’m ignorant. And I don’t care.
Everyone is talking about Donald Trump. When I first heard Donald Trump was running for president I thought, maybe there’s a second Donald Trump that I’ve never heard of. Maybe this other Donald Trump is a senator or someone kind of important. He wasn’t. It was the same Donald Trump from “The Apprentice” and all the towers.
The next thing I thought was, He’s just doing this to get more people to tune in when he hosts SNL. Then, after hosting SNL he still didn’t drop out. Not only did he stay in the race, but he’s been leading the Republican candidates ever since. Republicans who actually work in politics, except the creepy doctor with the lazy hands. But for the other dudes — Politics is their actual job.
Donald Trump is leading against actual senators and current government figures. Donald Trump is leading by (h)uge numbers (a guy who thinks the ‘h’ in ‘huge’ is a silent one). How shitty are Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio and these other Republicans running against Trump? These guys suck so bad that they’re losing to a celebrity billionaire (or maybe just a millionaire).
People choosing Trump of “qualified government officials” is like if I chipped a tooth, and I went to see a dentist for a quote to fix that tooth. Then the dentist told me, “That’s like $500,” but my friend was there with me. And my friend tells me, “I can fix it. Just buy me a beer.” So I tell the dentist, “No thanks, I’m just gonna go with this guy.”
It’s great to hear Americans say, “I love Donald Trump because he speaks the truth,” because what they’re really saying is, “I love Donald Trump because he’s racist. And I am also racist. That’s why I like him.”
The strangest thing is that Donald Trump is winning by so much, yet I haven’t met one person who openly supports Trump. His rallies are full of people, just horrible people that I would never be friends with. It’s like how I’ve never met anyone who watches any of these “ #1 comedies” on CBS, like Two & Half Men or The Big Bang Theory. But, according to CBS, these people do exist because the numbers don’t lie. Or maybe someone is lying to us. Or the person running these numbers is just not good at math.
It’s time for everyone to stop worrying. Donald Trump has ZERO chance at becoming “America’s Next Top President!” Why? Because none of our votes actually count. It’s all up to twelve dudes in a room. And once they release that white smoke from their little chimney we will know who our new president is…
NOT DONALD TRUMP.
Probably Hillary or some other person we don’t know yet. Maybe our next president will be Ross Perot (Is Ross Perot still alive?).
***CORRECTION : Since writing this article I was informed that twelve dudes is a jury. And the white smoke thing is how the Catholic Church picks the pope. So, I would like to apologize. I was wrong. We’re screwed, America! Have a nice day.
Ferdi's Learnings 