Category Archives: Funky Fresh Fridays

2019 was a Good Year

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Banana ArtFL title

2019 was a good year. I visited Star Wars: Galaxy’s Edge twice, and once more at the beginning of this year. I saw some cool movies (Knives Out, Frozen 2, Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker). Disney+ came out, giving me access to so many old and new Disney movies, series and tons of other stuff. I was a part of many, many improv shows every weekend. I even got my first money for acting in a “talk show” ($5 cash. Thanks, Elaine!).

With Wednesday rehearsals and shows most Thursdays through Saturdays I had many late nights. This has affected my eating habits. I shifted breakfast from the early morning (8 or 9 am) to sometime between 10 am and noon. Lunch moved to sometime between 2 and 4 pm. With a snack thrown in the mix on running and work out days, ending the day with a very late dinner (11 pm or later). 

With this shifting schedule and trying to be on-time to rehearsals and shows I discovered a new faster technique to have a snack… 

…It all started with one banana

One day, I was running a bit late for rehearsal, since I was feeling particularly lazy that day I didn’t go for a run until almost 6 pm (I’ll normally run closer to 5 pm to give me enough time). I got back and had to take a lightning quick shower, but I needed some sort of fuel to make sure I wouldn’t pass out. I grabbed a banana and ate it in the shower, taking out two tasks with one banana.


I’ve also learned that car bananas are fun, because you get to throw the peel out the window and live in the world of Mario Kart for a few seconds. I don’t think it’s bad for the environment. Someone will eat it, right?

This started my 2019 trend. What else can I eat in the shower? Here are some other things I ate in the shower last year: Microwaveable Protein Muffin, Energy Bars (Rx, Lara, Clif) and Cold Brew. I’m sure there are other things that I can’t think of (like Dum Dums). But these were all the successful shower snacks I can think of.

This whole thing really started in college, but instead of eating in the shower I would sometimes have a drink in the shower, while getting ready to go out. Shower beers are always good (Have you ever had a beer in a pool, while laying on a float? It feels like your life is a Corona commercial). Also, a shower Cider. Anything cold really. A hot tea in the shower may not be as relaxing, but an iced coffee works, too.

I’ve also thought of some things I would never want to eat in the shower: oatmeal, hot soup, salad, a sandwich, yogurt (unless it’s Go-Gurt, but who eats Go-Gurt anymore?)… 

What other new things can I try in the shower in 2020? What’s the strangest thing you’ve eaten in the shower, or in another strange place? Comment below.

 

What other new lessons will I learn in 2020? Tune in to find out…

NO COMMERCIAL BREAKS

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Cloud 0FL title

A few months ago, I began watching SUPERSTORE on Hulu. I had heard it was a fun, goofy show, and I’m a fan of “Jonah” (who plays the lawyer on Silicon Valley). I also liked that there were already four seasons to watch, so I knew it would take me some time to get through it all.

I’m not a binger of shows. I don’t enjoy watching a whole butt-load of episodes of one show in a single weekend, unless I have already seen the entire series and it’s playing in the background while I’m cooking or doing other stuff. I like to treat my shows like a fine Merlot. I take in one episode at a time, maybe two or three in a full day, at most. I let shows breath so that entire seasons don’t become one mega episode of mush in my brain.

Superstore has so much, “REAL” product placement in it, that it should not have commercial breaks. As someone who isn’t a fan of forced product placement in movies and TV shows (like Michael Bay’s 2-hour Transformers Car Commercials, AKA the ones after Shia Lebeouf), SUPERSTORE does a great job with having all the products on the shelves, but not in your face.

SUPERSTORE takes place inside of a Walmart clone, called Cloud 9. Cloud 9 carries only real products that you would find in Walmart and Target and other real-life superstores. Most times when you see a product on a TV series, it’s usually a fake brand they created just for the show, so they don’t have to deal with the companies who make these products.

I’ve only watched SUPERSTORE on Hulu, so I’m not sure if it actually has commercial breaks when episodes play on prime time (if it doesn’t leave a comment below and let me know). If a soccer game can get away with not having commercial breaks just because each player is a walking ad for the team sponsor, then SUPERSTORE should definitely not have commercials.

Perhaps SUPERSTORE can do what pod casters do and create their own ads within the show, where they get to say whatever they want. Sort of like how pod casters just say whatever they want when creating ads for strange internet brands, like MeUndies, Blue Apron and Third Love. 

SUPERSTORE is showing off so many products that we all know and already buy. While watching episodes I sometimes add things to my grocery list (this makes the show not only entertaining but also convenient). Usually, this would annoy me, but since they never really talk about the products or have the camera zoom in on certain ones it doesn’t bother me. It just makes the world seem more realistic.

On the show I’ve seen everything from La Croix, Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Doritos to Reed’s Ginger Beer and Squatty Potties. I hope all of these brands are paying SUPERSTORE to carry their products on the shelves of Cloud 9, and that is how SUPERSTORE will stay on TV forever, taking money from all of these rich companies to create entertainment as I slowly watch it on my friend’s Hulu account until the end of time.

Cuban Coffee is Sh*t

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I learned to drink coffee the way most kids in Miami learned to drink coffee. Back in middle school, my introduction to coffee was Cuban Coffee. Cortaditos, Cafe con leche, Coladas. Cuban Coffee was a good gateway into the coffee world for a youngster, but it definitely was not “good coffee.”

I’m sure many people will be upset at me for saying that Cuban Coffee is not good coffee.

Why do people love Cuban Coffee so much? It’s mostly the added sugar and/or milk that makes it taste good. The coffee itself just taste like low-quality coffee. It has no distinct flavors. If you can’t drink it straight up (black), then it’s probably not a good coffee. And no one really drinks Cuban Coffee straight up (they add tons of sugar to it).

Cuban Coffee is no better than Starbucks (although their newer Blonde Roast is fine, on its own). No one is actually going to Starbucks for the coffee, though. People go to Starbucks for all the sugar, chocolate, caramel and other delicious junk they stuff into their “coffee drinks”. Black coffee at Starbucks tastes burnt. I once used their beans for a cold brew and it ended up tasting like what burnt tires smell like.

Starbucks may get their coffee beans from exotic farmers across the world, but they are given the snicklefritz (aka the garbage pile, aka the crappy leftovers). I’m sure there are good Cuban Coffee beans out there, somewhere. But, all of the Cuban restaurants and bakeries are using the snicklefritz, as well (Pilon, Bustelo, Sergio’s Coffee).

I don’t think I’m better than Starbucks or Cuban Coffee. I enjoy the occasional sugary coffee drink and S’mores frappuccino. I’ll dip my tostada in a Cafe con Leche. I’ll even have some Colada sometimes after lunch. These things all taste good, I’m just saying that the coffee beans themselves are garbage beans. Most people haven’t tried good coffee, they’ve just enjoyed crappy coffee their whole lives.

It’s like when you try a real fruit after only having the canned version in syrup before that. Which is something that happened to me with lychee fruit the other day. And I said to myself, Wow, I didn’t know the real thing could taste so good.

Just like with beer, I guess I’ve become a coffee snob. I would much rather drink one or two beers that I enjoy over ‘TeLeven’ cans (that’s the number between ten and eleven) of dirty beer water. I’m trying to only drink one to maybe two coffee drinks per day. So, I’m keeping it to good quality coffee. I get beans from Panther, Intelligentsia and other fancy roasters. Sometimes, I just check what Fresh Market has on sale and if it’s not very good I end up cold brewing it. There’s also something fun about making a pour over in the morning. It feels like a science experiment that I get to enjoy with my mouth.

Every once in a while, I do need a sugary frappuccino or some cafe con leche. And that’s why I’m happy to live in the capital of coladas and croquetas.

EVERYONE IS INSTAGRAMMING (…while driving)

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It’s hard not to text and drive, or even not to check your phone while driving. Incoming messages. Alarms. Weather alerts. Sports and news notifications. Our phones do so much more than only making phone calls. Since the invention of smartphones, humans have been using them as a distraction for any time they encounter boredom (most of the time to look at nothing important).

Do you know what people did 25 years ago before there were smartphones to play with and they were bored or stuck in some sort of queue? They would talk to strangers, or grab a newspaper or a Highlights magazine. Other people would carry a book or some type of reading material with them, all the time. And some people would just sit in silence and wait. Wait until it was their turn to do whatever they were there to do.

With our iPhones and Androids and all other smart devices, we don’t have to be bored ever (yet we still are). We have billions of apps at our fingertips to keep us busy. We have the whole internet in this tiny magical box that fits in our pockets (unless you’re a smaller person with an iPhone Plus).

Back to the car and what I learned the other day. Every person driving a car is playing on their phone. And most of them are just scrolling through their Facebook or Instagram feeds. It’s not enough that we can listen to music, podcasts, radio shows, TV shows, YouTube videos, or pretty much any form of entertainment while driving our cars. We can even talk to people through our car speakers (Thanks, Bluetooth!).

But, that’s not enough. Most people still need to look at something. Something that isn’t the road in front of them. Especially while in traffic. Traffic may be the worst invention ever (Even though it’s more a side effect to the creation of automobiles. Either way, traffic really sucks!)

Traffic is the worst thing while you’re in it, but once you are no longer stuck in traffic and you start moving at a normal speed again, you totally forget you were ever in traffic. You can be stuck in traffic for just two minutes and you will hate life and every person around you for those two minutes, but once you get moving you will completely forget that you were ever in traffic and continue on with your life (singing along to whatever song is playing in the background).

Back to everyone being on their phones while driving. How do I know everyone was checking social media though? Well, while I was driving the other night, I was also conducting a science experiment. I was looking at each driver’s phone screen to see what exactly they were doing. That may be the most unsafe thing, not texting and driving on your own phone, but looking at other people’s phones in other cars while driving. But, I had to do it for research purposes (and we were moving very slow during this experiment).

I even saw a few people FaceTiming while driving. It seems that many people don’t really care about safety or living a long, wonderful life. Also, now that everyone decided to get the Uber phone clip on their car you can’t tell who’s a civilian and who’s just an Uber driver (If you would like to know how I feel about Uber drivers, see UBER DRIVERS aka THE WORST… ).

I’m not perfect. I play on my phone while driving too, but I try to keep it to while at red lights. There was a time where I would put my phone into the center console and try to drive to my destination without taking it out. That worked for a few days, but sometimes you’re not sure if your friend has left to meet you at a movie and you have to get your phone out to make sure they left their house. Or sometimes you may need to respond to a message so you don’t forget to do it later. Or sometimes you just think of something that’s kind of funny or may work as a Ferdings Learnings, so you have to take out your phone to write it down in your notes.

I know that using your phone while driving is “kind of” illegal, but there are some small emergencies that require you to use your phone while driving. Let’s try to keep it to when we’re at red lights. Also, don’t go overboard and start scrolling through Instagram. Those posts will still be there when you get to the movie, and you can look at them before or during the previews, but when that movie starts you better put your damn phone away or I will throw it at the screen.

BEER MAKES ME FAT

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From January 6th to February 20th I drank zero beers. I did have some glasses of wine and a few whiskeys on certain occasions, but I definitely had zero beers in that time. This wasn’t a challenge I put on myself, there was just a period where I felt like I was starting to get sick, and I didn’t want to be sick, so I decided not to drink alcohol. I even went to a wedding in this time period and had about 17 glasses of water with zero alcohol in them.

What I learned from not drinking beer is that beer is the main thing that makes me gain weight. And I now know this because in this one month +14 days of not drinking beer I dropped a few pounds and finally made it under 200 (like right under, like 199.9, but it still counts).

Since this one month +14 days of no beers, I had a few beers last weekend and I’m now back over 200 (like 201-204 depending on the morning). And yes, I weigh myself in the morning before I put anything into my body. That’s how you know you’re getting your lowest weight. It’s not cheating if you only weigh yourself in the morning (if you weigh yourself one night then a few days later in the morning and brag about all the pounds you lost, that is cheating. Who are you cheating? Yourself!).

Everyone’s body is different and what works for one person may not work for someone else. And for me not drinking beer seems to be working. I’m not forever quitting beer though, just maybe have it every once in a while (also, going out to dinner and not having a beer can take about 30-50% off of your bill). Next, I just need to work on eating a bit better.

Lately, I haven’t been eating the healthiest of meals, but I somehow still ended up losing weight, so I keep eating not so great. It also doesn’t help when people tell you, “You look like you’ve lost some pounds.” Whenever someone tells me that it makes my brain say, Great! Now we’ve earned some pizza/taco bell/burger king or all of the above. That’s why I rarely tell people they look skinnier, I don’t want to trigger that voice in their brain.

You don’t have to tell me I lost some weight. I know I’m a bit skinnier, and not just because the scale told me so. I know I actually lost some weight because I can now fit into my skinnier jeans.

In my closet, I have my three or four pairs of regular jeans for when I’m feeling a bit hefty. I also wear these when I’m going out to eat a whole bunch of junk. I also have a few pairs of thinner jeans. The ones that are just one size too small. I don’t fit into all of these pairs right now, but I do fit well into at least one of them and that’s a major improvement. When I can fit into all three of my thin jeans, then it will be time to turn those into my “heavier” jeans and buy a pair in the next size down (but let’s not get ahead of ourselves).

Since learning that beer is my Kryptonite, I haven’t had too many. But, I still have been stuffing my gob with some not so healthy food, as you’ve all seen (on Instagram and Facebook). I’m still making delicious burgers, tacos, pizzas and cookies and all kinds of stuff. There’s also all of those late night eats after shows and rehearsals (bagel bites, dino nuggets, pizza rolls and more) which aren’t very shareable and no one sees, but me.

My next test will be to continue not drinking beer, but also to eat a little better and see what that does to my body. John Mayer once said, “Your body is a wonderland,” but that’s not true. All of our bodies are not Wonderlands. In fact, all of our bodies are just little science experiments that we get to borrow while we’re here on Earth. And the best way to find out what works for you is trial and error.

LOW BATTERY

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I don’t know if anyone else feels this way, but any night that I go to sleep with my iPhone’s battery life at over fifty percent is a good night. I think I actually sleep better, and that’s not because of the Melatonin. I feel like I deserve a prize for not spending the entire day playing on my phone.

I’m not one of those people who is constantly looking for a place to charge my iPhone. I don’t carry around a portable battery pack, either (although I hear those are pretty nifty). I do keep a charger and wall plug in my backpack, but that’s more for my iPad. I also have an Apple cable in my car for emergencies, or road trips when I’m running maps, Waze, podcasts and all my apps at once.

I try to only charge my phone in the morning. Once I wake up, or my first alarm goes off, I plug it in until it’s time to go to work. That usually gets my phone to 100% (sometimes I only get to 90%). I used to charge my old phones overnight, every night, but I did notice the battery life getting worse and worse over time. One of my phones ended up having a ghost battery that would jump back and forth between numbers (90% to 30% to 60% to 10% to dead).

Why am I telling you about my iPhone charging habits? Am I some sort of Apple spokesperson?

Most of us are spending too much time on our phones. It’s fine if you’re waiting in line at the DMV or maybe if you’re at lunch with someone you don’t really like. But you definitely don’t have to whip out your phone while at the movies. You just paid over ten dollars to watch this movie, plus popcorn, drinks and other snacks (unless you’re a sneaker and you bring in your own snacks), and now you’re about to spend the whole movie playing on your phone?

Guess what? That bright light is annoying to everyone. Put your phone on silent, do not disturb or just turn it off. No one’s going to call you. And if they do and you answer your phone in the middle of a movie, I will want to grab it and throw it across the theater. Instead, I may just ask, “Is everything ok?” I set my Apple watch to theater mode, just so the light won’t bother me or anyone else.

Of course, any time my phone reaches 20% or less I do have a panic attack on the inside. Also for some reason, I catch myself unlocking the screen over and over for no reason at all. Maybe I want my phone to die.

Although it is scary to have your phone die and be unreachable to the world, it’s also very liberating when your phone dies. I love my Apple Watch, because I can go running with no phone (I have the model 2, so no cellular). I can listen to my music and have no one bother me while running. I am completely free.

A new thing I recently tried was turning off my phone while I sleep. Of course, I don’t recommend this to everyone because some people are doctors, or may receive important phone calls late in the night. I have no important matters happening late at night, so I am fine to turn off my phone while I sleep. I’ll find out what stupid thing the president did in the morning. I don’t do it every night, but if you can afford to do it, you should definitely try it. You may even sleep better.

What did we learn today? Stop playing on your phone all the time. Leave your phone behind sometimes and go do stuff. Leave your phone in the car while you explore, unless you’re exploring the great wilderness and there’s a chance you might get lost or attacked by a wild animal, because you may end up needing your phone in these situations. There was a time when no one had cell phones and guess what?

Most of us survived.

WEIGHT GAIN & RUNNING

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south-park-s01e02c08-94-pound-beefcake-16x9FL title

One thing I learned this week was that it’s much, much easier to gain weight than it is to lose weight. Since the end of November, I’ve been running three times a week (Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays). I started a running program that would hopefully get me to run TEN miles (all at once) over this coming weekend.

After making  it to SEVEN whole miles (all in one run), two weeks ago, I decided to take a week off from running. I don’t know exactly what I did, but it felt like I broke my back. After the SEVEN mile run, I had to lay in bed for two hours with a heating pad on my back just to be able to leave my house that night. During the whole week that followed I also used the heating pad at least twice a day, once when I woke up in the morning and once again before going to bed (sometimes somewhere in between those two times).

Each day, for about a week, I woke up with back pain. That’s why I decided to take one week off. I didn’t run or do any exercise for a whole week. I even abandoned my semi-healthy eating diet (Which wasn’t really a diet at all. I just sometimes would tell myself things like, “Hey, maybe I shouldn’t eat a whole calzone for lunch today.”)

In that one week of eating whatever I wanted and not doing any physical activity at all, I gained about ten pounds (It may have been only five pounds, but it felt like ten).It’s crazy that in one week alone I gained five to ten pounds. However, in the eight weeks of running prior, I had probably only lost less than five pounds (I don’t really know. I haven’t been keeping count). Of course, if I was on a strict diet, I may have lost more weight. But just running and eating whatever I want allows me to remain at the same weight (or lose some weight, very slowly).

This week I got back into it. I did some kettlebell exercises on Monday morning. Ran FIVE miles on Tuesday morning, did some yoga and stuff on Wednesday and Thursday I ran THREE miles in the freezing cold Miami weather (It was like 40 degrees out there). Friday is supposed to be a day of rest, but I will most likely try to do some Runner’s Yoga with Adrienne to get ready for Saturday’s EIGHT miler.

EIGHT miles will be the longest I’ve ever run in my entire life (all at once), and if I succeed it’s not over. I will have to attempt TEN miles next weekend, that’s if this EIGHT mile run doesn’t put me in the same position as the SEVEN mile run did (taking me out for an entire week).

All I really wanted to share is how I learned how much easier it is to gain weight than lose weight. If I really tried I’m sure I could easily gain ten or more pounds in one week (But I am not Morgan Spurlock, so I won’t test this theory).

 

What’s the most you’ve ever run (all at once) in your life? Comment below or say it to yourself out loud and maybe someone nearby will hear your answer.

UBER DRIVERS aka THE WORST DRIVERS

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This week I learned a valuable lesson, and it’s not just that all Uber drivers are horrible drivers. I also figured out why all Uber drivers are horrible drivers. I don’t ride in many Ubers (I’ve probably ridden in less than ten Ubers, and zero of those were by myself). I prefer to drive my own car. Key Biscayne is way too far from anywhere in Miami to ride through all those mangroves in the back of a strange car with a stranger. It’s not that I wouldn’t feel safe, I’m a boy, I feel safe pretty much anywhere (except for rollercoasters, parasailing, shark infested waters…). It’s not a question of safety, I just don’t want to talk to a creepy driver — it would be a very awkward situation.

I enjoy driving myself around, unless I’m stuck in traffic. I like to listen to my podcasts or music while driving in my own car. When someone else drives me around, even a friend, I get annoyed by whatever they’re listening to (I may even like the music they chose, but I’m annoyed because I didn’t pick it myself). I love being in my comfy car with leather seats and even bum warmers, if needed (which I don’t because I live in Miami). That’s enough reasons for why I don’t use Uber, but I’m not trying to tell you not to use Uber, just that the drivers suck at the one thing they should know how to do — drive!

Back in the day, (B.U.) Before Uber most cars on the road that drove too slow, didn’t use their turn signal, slammed their brakes in the middle of traffic or did any other stupid thing all had one of two things in common. (1) They either had a UM license plate or sticker on their car, or (2) they were an elderly person, and sometimes they were both.

Lately, there are two new signs that may indicate you’re dealing with a horrible driver. (3) They have a Trump bumper sticker, or (4) they are an Uber driver. And some of these horrible drivers are UM-lovin’ Trump-huggin’ Elderly Uber Drivers. If you fall under all four categories you should have never been given a license to drive.

The other day, I started to thinking to myself, Hey, why are Uber drivers are so bad at driving? And I realized what the problem is. Uber drivers are so bad at driving, because they have no idea where they are going (Think about it!). Imagine if you just got into your car and started driving to no specific destination, because you were waiting for your phone to tell you exactly where to go. Most Uber drivers don’t know where they are going 90% of the time. They are just driving aimlessly, staring at their phone for a clue on where to go. Their phone that’s sticking to the windshield by that silly suction cup holder.

Uber drivers don’t know where they are going until you request them. And any time they receive a request they are either headed the wrong way or on the wrong side of the street. Picking up or dropping off the person to get a good rating is the most important thing in their life, so much so that they don’t pay attention to anyone else on the road. They are always in our way.

Uber drivers will instantly stop in the middle of traffic to drop off their passengers, and I have no shame honking at them. I have no problem giving them a good old-fashioned “Fotutazo*” for blocking my way. There are two types of drivers I don’t respect, (1) children in golf carts and (2) Uber drivers — Because they both don’t belong behind the wheel.

If you’re a LYFT driver, this also applies to you. I just used Uber because it’s like the Kleenex of driving companies, however LYFT may take over, like the whole Oreo v. Hydrox thing (If you don’t know about Hydrox, google it!)

 

*FOTUTAZO: Coming from the Cuban word Fotuto, meaning car horn.

**ADDITIONAL NOTE: Did you see the Uber driver in the title image? He’s not even watching the road, he’s laughing with his passengers. Look at the damn road, driver!

MY THOUGHTS ON JIMMY BUFFETT

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This week’s learning isn’t about something that I recently discovered. This week I’m talking about something that I’ve known for quite some time. Before I go any further, let me just tell you that I am only expressing my opinion on this particular subject. If you do not agree with me, that is fine, you may just be an idiot.

What I’ve known for a while now is this:

Jimmy Buffett’s music is garbage!

It’s basically “The Wiggles,” but instead of being created with children in mind, he’s catering to a much different crowd — Drunken older white people (A.K.A. Parrotheads).

Any time Jimmy Buffett writes a new song, he uses the same formula as Barney, the Wiggles and all the other musical children’s TV shows. He asks himself these questions:

1 What does my audience like?

Cheeseburgers, Margaritas, Not Math

 

2 How can I make a catchy song about this subject?

Cheeseburger in Paradise, Margaritaville, Math Sucks


Two of these three songs became global restaurant chains.

Jimmy Buffett’s music may suck (like Math, according to him — I actually think math is awesome, and knowledge is power), but he is a killer business man. He has restaurants, bars, hotels, books, beers, blenders, drink mixes, sauces and all kinds of swag. He’s in Jurassic World (Spoiler Alert!) and there’s even a fake Margaritaville in the fake park in the movie.

Buffett is neither an “artist” nor a “musician,” he’s an entrepreneur who enjoys drinking, chilling outdoors and drinking some more. I just wanted to share my opinion about his music being for simple children who grew up to be simple adults. But you gotta give the man some credit, he is a genius who lived through a plane crash.

To demonstrate my point, watch this video for Fins.
What a dumb song…

JIMMY BUFFETT – FINS

 

Ok, maybe it’s not that bad, and it is kind of catchy. Look how much fun the drunk old white people are having. And the song comes with it’s own cool and easy-to-follow dance moves, like Soulja Boy but way simpler.

Maybe I was wrong.

Maybe Jimmy Buffett doesn’t suck so much.

DOGS @ DISNEY

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This past week I realized something. I haven’t been to Disney in a long time — like three or four months. That isn’t very long to a non-Florida resident, but when you’re only three and a half hours away, that’s a long time. After opening my 2017 with four or five visits to Disney, it feels like I haven’t been there in half a year.

My pass is “Blacked Out” during the summer time, meaning I’m not allowed to use it from June to mid-August. And that’s fine, because, “Who wants to go during to Disney during the summer when it’s so hot and crowded,” which is something all Silver and Gold Passholders say. I do intend to return to Disney some time this month or next, definitely for Food and Wine (a.k.a. Food and Lines Festival, because all you do is eat food and wait in line, for more food).

In my last visit to Disney, some time in April or May, I noticed something. I saw a blind person with their guide dog. At first I thought, Aw, cool. That dog gets to go to Disney, but later I thought about all of the other dogs. The ones who don’t get to go to Disney, and that made me sad. Plus, this dog who does get to go to Disney doesn’t get to enjoy any of it because he or she is at work.

Imagine a dog in Disney. A free, non-working dog in Disney. They would love it. But, the only dog that gets to go to Disney is one who doesn’t get to enjoy it at all — the service dog. They walk their owner back and forth and all around the parks, and have to wear a huge sign on their back that basically says, “I’M NOT HERE!”

It’s nice that some dogs get to have jobs, other than filling our hearts with joy and loving us forever no matter what. Some dogs get to be police, others get to be mascots and still others get to be basketball players (Air Bud). It’s cool that guide dogs are helping out a blind human, but it’s probably a depressing life for the dog. And why don’t any of these dogs get paid for their work?

Enough about equal wages for dogs, let’s get back to dogs at Disney. It’s also sad that the dog owner doesn’t get to truly experience Disney either, since they are blind. They just get to walk around and listen, but they don’t get to fully experience the attractions. The rides must be terrifying when you’re blind, everything must feel like space mountain.

It’s too bad that the only dogs that will ever get to enjoy Disney parks are Pluto and Goofy, and both of those are humans in sweaty dog costumes, because this is Florida and it’s super hot every day except for maybe one or two days of the year. I’m not even going to get into the fact that Mickey owns a dog while also being best friends with a dog.

Also, why are there so many ducks in Disney? Ducks get to enjoy the parks, terrorize the children for leftovers and eat all of the fallen turkey legs, ice cream and garbage people leave behind. The ducks are like the biker gang of Disney Parks. So, the ducks are allowed but man’s best friend has to stay home while we go visit the happiest place on Earth.