FL title

As children we’re taught not to talk to strangers. Then we grow up to become one of two types of people: (1) those who talk to strangers, and (2) those who do not.

I’m the second type of person. I definitely do not talk to strangers. I have nothing to say to random people I run into at bars, in lines or at the grocery store. I barely even talk to the people I know, because most of you people are weirdos.

Some people think, now that I’m a grown up it’s ok to talk to strangers. And they are wrong!

Just because I rode one floor in an elevator with you, it doesn’t mean I have to tell you to have a good day. This elevator ride was less than a minute. Now let’s split up and go our separate ways, never to cross paths again. And if we do cross paths in the future, just pretend you don’t know me, because you don’t.

Don’t tell me what you’re about to order when I’m behind you in line at Shake Shack. I don’t care whether you get extra Shack Sauce or not. I don’t even care to ask the people I’m with what they ordered. I’m just here to get my Shack Burger, fries and frozen custard.

And definitely don’t try talking to me when you’re next to me at a urinal. I don’t know you, sir. And I definitely don’t want to get to know you right now, with my wiener in my hand and your wiener in yours. We’re both here to pee and leave.

Have you ever been at a car dealership, waiting on your vehicle and a veteran starts talking to you. Or any old person. It’s literally the worst thing that could ever happen. They start telling you all their racist political beliefs and you don’t give a damn, but you can’t say anything because they’re old and crazy and you don’t know what they’re capable of. You don’t know if this person is about to change your beliefs. So, you just shut up and nod your head in agreement. No, that’s never happened to you? Well it’s happened to me way too many times.

Maybe I don’t enjoy talking to strangers because only the strangest of the strange have talked to me. Maybe I should shave my face and stop looking like a homeless person with a job. Maybe it’s time for an extreme makeover to attract a different kind of stranger. A more normal, prettier type of stranger. One who will ask me interesting questions. Not someone who will tell me why they’re voting for Donald Trump, and why I should join the revolution.

Maybe it’s time to start talking to more strangers?

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