Tag Archives: trump

UBER DRIVERS aka THE WORST DRIVERS

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This week I learned a valuable lesson, and it’s not just that all Uber drivers are horrible drivers. I also figured out why all Uber drivers are horrible drivers. I don’t ride in many Ubers (I’ve probably ridden in less than ten Ubers, and zero of those were by myself). I prefer to drive my own car. Key Biscayne is way too far from anywhere in Miami to ride through all those mangroves in the back of a strange car with a stranger. It’s not that I wouldn’t feel safe, I’m a boy, I feel safe pretty much anywhere (except for rollercoasters, parasailing, shark infested waters…). It’s not a question of safety, I just don’t want to talk to a creepy driver — it would be a very awkward situation.

I enjoy driving myself around, unless I’m stuck in traffic. I like to listen to my podcasts or music while driving in my own car. When someone else drives me around, even a friend, I get annoyed by whatever they’re listening to (I may even like the music they chose, but I’m annoyed because I didn’t pick it myself). I love being in my comfy car with leather seats and even bum warmers, if needed (which I don’t because I live in Miami). That’s enough reasons for why I don’t use Uber, but I’m not trying to tell you not to use Uber, just that the drivers suck at the one thing they should know how to do — drive!

Back in the day, (B.U.) Before Uber most cars on the road that drove too slow, didn’t use their turn signal, slammed their brakes in the middle of traffic or did any other stupid thing all had one of two things in common. (1) They either had a UM license plate or sticker on their car, or (2) they were an elderly person, and sometimes they were both.

Lately, there are two new signs that may indicate you’re dealing with a horrible driver. (3) They have a Trump bumper sticker, or (4) they are an Uber driver. And some of these horrible drivers are UM-lovin’ Trump-huggin’ Elderly Uber Drivers. If you fall under all four categories you should have never been given a license to drive.

The other day, I started to thinking to myself, Hey, why are Uber drivers are so bad at driving? And I realized what the problem is. Uber drivers are so bad at driving, because they have no idea where they are going (Think about it!). Imagine if you just got into your car and started driving to no specific destination, because you were waiting for your phone to tell you exactly where to go. Most Uber drivers don’t know where they are going 90% of the time. They are just driving aimlessly, staring at their phone for a clue on where to go. Their phone that’s sticking to the windshield by that silly suction cup holder.

Uber drivers don’t know where they are going until you request them. And any time they receive a request they are either headed the wrong way or on the wrong side of the street. Picking up or dropping off the person to get a good rating is the most important thing in their life, so much so that they don’t pay attention to anyone else on the road. They are always in our way.

Uber drivers will instantly stop in the middle of traffic to drop off their passengers, and I have no shame honking at them. I have no problem giving them a good old-fashioned “Fotutazo*” for blocking my way. There are two types of drivers I don’t respect, (1) children in golf carts and (2) Uber drivers — Because they both don’t belong behind the wheel.

If you’re a LYFT driver, this also applies to you. I just used Uber because it’s like the Kleenex of driving companies, however LYFT may take over, like the whole Oreo v. Hydrox thing (If you don’t know about Hydrox, google it!)

 

*FOTUTAZO: Coming from the Cuban word Fotuto, meaning car horn.

**ADDITIONAL NOTE: Did you see the Uber driver in the title image? He’s not even watching the road, he’s laughing with his passengers. Look at the damn road, driver!

Trump or No Trump, Life is Still Pretty Neat

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I decided to make a new learning today because I know many of you are sad to see O’Bama leave today.

This morning, I turned on the Today Show expecting to see my normal everyday Matt, Savannah, Al and the whole gang, but instead it was Matt and two strangers in Washington D.C. going on about our new president. It made me angry at first, but then I began to think of a few reasons why life is still pretty neat. And here are a few of those reasons:

 

1 Mister Ed on YouTube

I was listening to the Harmontown podcast the other day, when Jeff B. Davis started talking about Mr. Ed (the black & white talking horse show). I remember watching this on Nick at Nite or somewhere as a kid. Jeff was talking about how the show introduces the idea of a talking horse, but never explains it.

I went on YouTube that night and searched for Mr. Ed and found a playlist of all the episodes. Remember in Anchorman (the first one) when Ron Burgundy said “How now brown cow,” for his warmup? That came from Mr. Ed! Next time you’re feeling sad, watch some Mr. Ed on YouTube and that will cheer you up right away. Unless you’re a big time feminist, since the show is from the 60’s.

 

2 New Star Wars Movie Every Year, Forever

Whether Trump likes it or not, Disney is giving us a new Star Wars adventure each and every year, until forever. Along with 2-3 new Marvel movies each year, and of course Pixar, Disney Animation and live action remakes. Like Drake and Future said, “What a time to be alive.”

Of course some people are whiners, and will never be happy with all these remakes and reboots. The great thing about all these Star Wars movies is that they are made by Star Wars fans. All these directors that are chosen for the next movies grew up loving Star Wars, most of them were even inspired to become directors by Star Wars. It’s like fan fiction, but they have all the real toys and resources to use.

 

3 O’Bama Gets a Break

Although I’ll miss seeing Barrack O’Bama in the White House, at least he finally gets to be retired, and play basketball with other old dudes like Shaq and Charles Barkley. He can finally catch up on everything he missed these past 8 years, like Breaking Bad, Stranger Things and even the Kung Fu Panda Trilogy (which began in 2008, when he took office).

 
It doesn’t matter who the President is, we still live in America and America is Great the way it is.

Also, if these 3 reasons don’t cheer you up maybe you should buy some Ice Cream or Nana Puddin’ from Ferdi’s Ice Cream…

 

P.S. This song’s for O’Bama:

 

Debate Night: Part II

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Last Sunday, I was tricked into watching the second Presidential debate. How did I get tricked into watching a debate? I’ll tell ya. On my way to a birthday celebration I stopped by my friends’ new home to gift them some special coffee beans, because I am a great friend! We had some magical coffee and I helped them organize the house a bit (or maybe just watched them do that while drinking my coffee).

When it was time for me to leave they told me to return after the birthday celebration to watch the debate, and I said, “only if we can also watch Westworld episode 2.” I came back for the debate with beers and I was fed delicious food, but I got no Westworld episode 2. I had to wait a whole extra day until Monday night to watch Westworld episode two. Luckily Westworld is not at Game of Thrones status yet, or it would have been spoiled.

The debate was stupid. Just two grown ups acting like little baby kids. Each candidate would begin with “He/she said this…” then the next one would go saying, “Uh, I never said that, but you did say this…” and on and on it went for two whole hours! It was stupid and I didn’t learn a thing about either candidate during the whole thing.

Donald would say things like, “She’s a liar,” or “She’s a thief,” but would never explain why. And Hillary would say words, I’m just not sure what they all meant. Both candidates would try to talk the most when it wasn’t their turn. That’s why this second debate needed not one, but two moderators to try to stop the candidates from speaking out of turn, which did not work out very well.

They were featuring some hot tweets on the screen, so I immediately began tweeting to try and get featured on TV. Here’s some of my better tweets from the debate:

 

 

I began tweeting too late, because once I began they took down the Twitter feed and replaced it with, WATCH THE DEBATE ONLINE, even though if you’re seeing that message it’s too late, because that means you are already watching the debate.

The one thing I did learn during this debate, because I was guilty of it too, is that the only reason anyone watches these debates or any other live event on TV is to have an opinion to share on social media. Any time there’s a  live event is on TV, your social news feeds get filled with people talking crap about any little thing they notice (which is exactly what I did on Twitter that night).

I heard there’s supposed to be another debate, and I for one will not be watching it. In fact, I’ll boycott it if anyone tries to make me watch it. I don’t have to watch it, I already voted. And in case you’re wondering, the answer is YES! I did vote [Fill in the Blank], and I wrote “OBAMA” in the blank. If we all write OBAMA as our fill in the blank, then he can win! Yes We Can, everyone! #OBAMA2016

Also, in case you missed the debate, we all know who the true winner was last Sunday night…

#BONEZONE

National Conventions

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An opponent of the Republican National Convention Rules Committee's report and rules changes screams at the Republican National Convention in ClevelandFL title

This week I learned that the RNC, Republican National Convention, was happening. I haven’t watched much of the RNC, but I’ve seen enough to know that I don’t care for it. All I’ve really seen so far was Stephen Colbert attending and interviewing guests dressed like Caesar Flickerman (from the Hunger Games), and a few other people who were there to mock it.

Last night, I watched about two minutes of Trump talking when I walked by a TV that was playing it. I only watched two minutes because I can’t watch Trump for too long. He’s an idiot who is full of crap (I don’t get how some people AKA “True Republicans” don’t see that). I guess every politician ever has been full of crap, that’s how you get into politics in the first place. Before becoming a mayor, governor or senator of anything you have to first prove that you are a dirtbag who is full of crap. Once you prove that, you’re free to hire a team to do all your work for you while you show your dumb face at some events.

I don’t want to talk about the politicians (anymore) or tell you who to vote for (however, I will tell you who you shouldn’t vote for, Donald Trump). I want to talk about the crazy people who attend these National Conventions. Whether talking about Republicans or Democrats, the attendees at both conventions are crazy people.

Have you ever been to an Insane Clown Posse concert? I haven’t, but I have seen some YouTube videos of what goes down there. At an ICP concert (or rally), “fans” AKA juggalos paint their faces, show off their pointless tattoos, start fires, get hammered drunk and probably do tons of meth.

I imagine that these National Conventions (AKA Election rallies) are the same as an ICP concert (AKA Juggalo Rally), except the people dress nicer, they hide their tattoos (but I’m sure they are also stupid tattoos), the fires probably happen at some hidden after party, they also drink alcohol, but maybe some more expensive alcohol and instead of meth they use more expensive high-class drugs like pills, heroin and cocaine.

Have you seen how crazy these people at the National Conventions? They just scream and yell and cheer as some politician tells them lies. They act like teen girls in the 60’s seeing the Beatles live for the first time. Or like this guy…

 

Here are some opinions I have about stuff:

If you pay money to go to a National Convention of any kind, then you are an idiot.

Why? Spend your money on a concert or a Comic Con or literally any other type of convention. Go to a antique furniture roadshow, a home and garden convention, anything but this crap.

 

If you put the sticker of any presidential candidate on your car, then you are an idiot.

Why? If that person loses, everyone will know that you are a loser for the next 4, 8 or however many years you keep your car. I saw a car with a John Kerry sticker the other day and the first thing that came to my mind was “Loser.”

 

If you give money to a presidential candidate, then you are an idiot.

Why? Do you know how much money these people are wasting each day? And how much money they probably already have? Keep your money to yourself, or give it to a real charity, not some rich white folk running for president.

 

And now, I will leave you with this…

ST PADDY’S DAY IN AMERICA

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I know many fools love St Patrick’s Day. They love wearing green, drinking green beer, swimming in green fountains and screaming out stupid things like, “Kiss me, I’m Irish.” That trick only works if you’re Irish, and it probably doesn’t really work too often, because about 90% of Irish people are Gingers. And who wants to kiss a Ginger? (I’m sorry, that was rude. I’m not here to attack the Gingers, I’m here to attack the fake Irish people. Also, I love Gingers, especially the lady kind).

So, yesterday was a big day for the drinking (or Alcoholics, as I like to call them). Back in Tallahassee (and probably every college town in America) the bars would open at 6am and stay open well into the evening. Who was there at 6 am? Probably the bros, who never attended class and lived in their FRAT houses, “No time for legs today, broseph. Gotta get to the Pub bright and early!”

In Miami, St. Patrick’s day is awful. It’s the one night of the year when the Irish bars and pubs actually charge a cover to get in (I’m talking about you Jonathan Martin’s). I would rather celebrate Irish heritage any other day and not pay extra money to eat some Fish n’ Chiops and drink a Guiness.

And since I’m on the subject of St. Patrick’s Day, why was St. Patrick such a drunk? And why did Jesus allow this drunk ginger to become a saint? Was he a sort of drunken Robin Hood, who would get drunk and help out the poor or others in need? What’s your story St. Patrick? And why is everyone drinking to celebrate it?

 

[this is the part where I ‘Googled’ St. Patty’s Day. I didn’t read much, just the first paragraph I found]

 

Apparently, St. Patrick was the Patron Saint of Ireland. He was a Christian missionary who brought Christianity to Ireland, and he wasn’t even Irish. But now there are so many Irish Patricks that it doesn’t really matter. I guess we celebrate his day with barrels of alcohol because he tricked the Irish people into Christianity, with the promise of free booze.

Think of all the parties or events you’ve been to just because they told you there would be “FREE beer and snacks.” Now imagine if they said “There won’t just be any beer, no. This beer will be green.” Of course you’re going to that party. And when you’re well and drunk you’ll sign whatever form or waiver they hand you. Congratulations, now you’re a Christian, enjoy your green beer and your green hangover fools!

 

The one thing I would like to see one St. Patrick’s Day…

“The Lord of the Dance”