I know many fools love St Patrick’s Day. They love wearing green, drinking green beer, swimming in green fountains and screaming out stupid things like, “Kiss me, I’m Irish.” That trick only works if you’re Irish, and it probably doesn’t really work too often, because about 90% of Irish people are Gingers. And who wants to kiss a Ginger? (I’m sorry, that was rude. I’m not here to attack the Gingers, I’m here to attack the fake Irish people. Also, I love Gingers, especially the lady kind).

So, yesterday was a big day for the drinking (or Alcoholics, as I like to call them). Back in Tallahassee (and probably every college town in America) the bars would open at 6am and stay open well into the evening. Who was there at 6 am? Probably the bros, who never attended class and lived in their FRAT houses, “No time for legs today, broseph. Gotta get to the Pub bright and early!”

In Miami, St. Patrick’s day is awful. It’s the one night of the year when the Irish bars and pubs actually charge a cover to get in (I’m talking about you Jonathan Martin’s). I would rather celebrate Irish heritage any other day and not pay extra money to eat some Fish n’ Chiops and drink a Guiness.

And since I’m on the subject of St. Patrick’s Day, why was St. Patrick such a drunk? And why did Jesus allow this drunk ginger to become a saint? Was he a sort of drunken Robin Hood, who would get drunk and help out the poor or others in need? What’s your story St. Patrick? And why is everyone drinking to celebrate it?

[this is the part where I ‘Googled’ St. Patty’s Day. I didn’t read much, just the first paragraph I found]

Apparently, St. Patrick was the Patron Saint of Ireland. He was a Christian missionary who brought Christianity to Ireland, and he wasn’t even Irish. But now there are so many Irish Patricks that it doesn’t really matter. I guess we celebrate his day with barrels of alcohol because he tricked the Irish people into Christianity, with the promise of free booze.

Think of all the parties or events you’ve been to just because they told you there would be “FREE beer and snacks.” Now imagine if they said “There won’t just be any beer, no. This beer will be green.” Of course you’re going to that party. And when you’re well and drunk you’ll sign whatever form or waiver they hand you. Congratulations, now you’re a Christian, enjoy your green beer and your green hangover fools!

The one thing I would like to see one St. Patrick’s Day…

“The Lord of the Dance”