Tag Archives: Ferdi

THE GREAT DEBATE(S)

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Ever since the late 1950’s, there has been an ongoing debate. According to my very quick internet research, that’s about the time the three point seat belt was created. We all know that seat belts save lives, however, a large amount of the population still chooses not to wear them.

Sure, they’re not very comfortable. They hurt your gut. Maybe you think you’re too cool for school (Well, I’ve got a newsflash for you, Walter Cronkite… You Aren’t!***). Guess what fools! It’s the law (in Florida and I’m guessing in some other states too. Because Florida is always way behind on the times.) 

That’s the clever slogan around here

The new version of the great seat belt debate is whether to wear a mask or not during the current pandemic. A mask is like a seat belt (for your face). Wearing one (when in public) can save your life (as well as others), but some people are fools or they just don’t care. Maybe they don’t believe the virus is real (It is very real. Just ask Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson). Maybe they just love the current president and think “that [idiot] doesn’t wear a mask, so I don’t have to either?”

Here’s a new slogan for you, “Wear a mask, you stupid idiot!”

By now every person should own at least one mask, so put it on your face. If you don’t own a mask that’s a different story, you should just stay in your home until you find one.

Another problem is that some people are carrying around a mask, but don’t know how to properly wear them. I’ve created a series of drawings so we could all learn together HOW TO and HOW NOT TO wear our masks when in public or crowded spaces.

CORRECT!
I wear my mask/seat belt. I care about my safety and the safety of others.

How to properly wear a mask. Cover both your mouth and nose holes, because these are the two places you can breathe from (Unless you are some sort of fish/human hybrid with gills. You would need an entirely different type of mask with gill covers, possibly two separate types of masks?)

WRONG!!
I only wear half of my mask/seat belt.

People wearing a mask with their nose out are wrong. It’s like wearing just the top or bottom part of your seat belt. It doesn’t count unless you’re wearing the whole thing. Did you know that you can breath out of your nose as well as your mouth? Even if you are predominantly a mouth breather, you still need to cover those two nose holes.

THE MOST WRONG!!!
Hey, look at my mask/seat belt. No, I will not wear it.

These are the worst kind of people. They have a mask on their person, but still choose not to wear it. If you need to take off your mask for some reason, get away from everyone and do it, then come back when you’re ready to be a member of society.

If you have your mask hanging around your neck or off your ear. That’s like driving drunk, you shouldn’t even be here. You’re unqualified to be in public. Who invited you to the party?

So, I guess the point of this week’s learning is WEAR YOUR MASK! And if you have been wearing your mask I tell you this, “Great job! Keep up the good work.”

Congratulations! You get a virtual internet high five! (or two because I couldn’t decide which one I liked more)

***Derek Zoolander (Ben Stiller) said this in the 2001 box office hit ZOOLANDER.

SPIDERWEBS ARE BEAUTIFUL (BUT ALSO GROSS)

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Spiderwebs are one of the true wonders of nature. They are so beautiful to see — in photos. However, one of the worst things that could happen to you in life is walking through a spiderweb.

One is never prepared to walk through a spiderweb. And the worst part is, you never know if the spider is home or not. What if some other creepy critter (“The Captured”) is around waiting to be dinner? Now they’re your problem.

The other day I walked through a spiderweb and it was not (and never is) a pleasant experience. I flailed my arms and it somehow always feels like some of the web is in your mouth. 

This event sparked multiple questions into my mind, but the main one was, “Where do spiderwebs come from?” 

Spiders! Of course, but how? 

How does something so tiny and spooky create such a marvelous work of art? The short answer (from Google) is using proteins to make silk. Wow, what a crazy world we live in.

A MILLION WRONG WAYS TO HIT A GOLF BALL

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Just as there is no wrong way to eat a Reese’s, there is no “right way” to hit a golf ball. This is something I’ve learned after years and years of hitting golf balls (notice I did not say “years and years of playing golf,” because most of my time golfing is spent on the shooting range, hitting balls and doing some chippy-putty afterwards).

In all these years of golf club swinging, I’ve figured out that there is no one “correct way” to hit a golf ball, but there are definitely millions of things that you can be and are doing wrong. I know this because every person who has ever tried to “improve my golf swing” with some hot tip or quick lesson has told me something different that I am doing wrong (and there’s a whole lotta wrong with my golf swing).

My golf career started back in high school. At first I would go to the shooting range with my golfer buddy and hit balls with his clubs. One day, my other “golf buddy” was getting new golf clubs the next day and offered to give me his old clubs. I offered him all of the money in my wallet at the time (which was ten dollars) and my fake Rolex (which I happened to be wearing at the time). I’m sure it stopped working very soon after. It was a great deal (for me).

To this day, these are still my current golf clubs. I did pick up some others along the way, which were also given to me. I added a putter and some woods to my collection, but never a driver. I picked up a sweet golf bag of holding, as well.

Golf lessons are a bigger sham than the McDonald’s Monopoly game back in the 1900’s. If you took a one hour golf lesson with five different people, I’m sure you’d have five totally different critiques on your golf game. Swinging a golf club is like jazz music, it’s not about the things you’re doing right, it’s about all the things you’re not doing at all (that may not make any sense, but maybe it does to a few people who like jazz music).

I think golf can probably be a relaxing activity, if you know what you’re doing (but I would never call golf a sport). Most people drive around in a little cart instead of doing the one part that can be considered a sport — walking. Pros have a bag boy who carries their stuff and tells them exactly what to do. Fans are told to be quiet (in a basketball game, I’m allowed to scream as someone tries to make a free throw, but in golf I can’t make any sound while someone is swinging their club?) There’s a fancy dress code. Sports don’t have fancy dress codes.

There is so much to think about when swinging any golf club, but once you’re actually playing nine or eighteen holes, you need to drop all the thinking and be able to rely on your muscle memory. I haven’t learned how to do that yet, so I will continue to whack balls at the shooting range and play chippy-putty afterwards.

YOU LOOK GREAT!

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I recently learned that anytime someone tells me I look like I’ve lost weight, or any compliments about my body, I end up using that information as a reason to eat whatever I want. This usually happens when I’m dressed nice for a wedding or a fancy event. I think fancy clothes makes me look better than I normally look, but I will stick to my normal clothes because I will always choose comfort over fashion (if it’s cold enough I will wear my fancy sweatpants to your fancy party).

I received multiple compliments on looking “skinnier” in 2019 (before the holidays), although I’m pretty sure I was stuck at around the same weight for most of the year. I haven’t been eating lots of fast food lately, but I also haven’t been eating that much “healthy” food either. I’ve struck a balance of good and bad food choices and enough exercise to stay at my current weight.

Of course, when a few people told me I looked good at a wedding, I decided to visit Burger King on my way home. There was pizza, garlic rolls, pasta, cake and a full-service ice cream bar at the wedding (which I totally ate), however I still found the need to get some BK, way later in the evening. I did eat all of those things pretty early, and by the time I went to BK it was already tomorrow (past midnight). I’m pretty sure I had only eaten two meals that day before BK — (1) a late breakfast and (2) the pizza, ice cream bar and all of those other goodies. So, I still kept it to the traditional three meals in a day.

The last few times I ate fast food, I was “forced” to by outside circumstances: (1) I went to a late movie and the concessions were closed when I got there, cancelling my popcorn and Buncha Crunch dinner. This left me starving when I got out of the movie, which led to a stop at Wendy’s. (2) We drove to Disney for Food & Wine and Star Wars Galaxy’s Edge for one day, after about 8 hours of driving and 10 hours of food, wine and traveling the world (plus, going off-planet) I had to stop for some Taco Bell on my way home. (3) At that wedding where three to four people (who hadn’t seen me in a while, so maybe they forgot what I looked like) told me I looked like I had lost weight, so I stopped at Burger King on my way home.

Maybe it’s a self-sabotage thing, or maybe my brain doesn’t enjoy compliments. I’m not really sure what it is, but for 2020 I’m going to try to make better choices when it comes to food late at night. Instead of eating fried chicken or pizza at midnight, I can try a soup instead, maybe even a salad (No one has ever chosen to eat a salad past midnight, and I don’t think I will be the first person to). 

I can’t make the right choice every time of course, because once it’s that late and you haven’t eaten dinner, the only thing you want to eat is the most unhealthy thing you can find on the menu. Tacos are an acceptable late night food choice, you get your veggies and meats and sometimes some cheese, too. Breakfast food late at night is also a good choice, that way you can skip breakfast in the morning since you had it before bed.

So, please stop telling me I look like I’ve lost weight or it will be your fault when I end up in the drive-thru line at Taco Bell later on that night.

NOT TODAY…

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FL title

I have an important announcement to make. I was very busy this week and am very busy today, so there will be no learning today.

Maybe there will be one this weekend, or on Monday. Maybe I will count this as one and you’ll just have to wait until next Friday?

Who knows? Maybe there won’t even be one next Friday.

Time to go back to work. See you all later.

To celebrate the release of the new Harry Potter book, and Harry Potter’s birthday, here’s a thing…

 

“Lost Learnings” Coming soon…

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A few weeks ago I found a book. A small note book. On the cover of this book are the words, “The Book.” Where did this book come from? I’ll tell you.

Back in High School, or probably College, I bought this tiny, fat notebook at an Office Depot. I began writing what I thought were going to one day become jokes, but they ended up being mostly joke titles for my future comedy album. Some titles were accompanied by a few meaningless bullet points to “explain” the premise. Reading through most of these I realized either (a) I have no idea what I was talking about anymore, or (b) I never had any idea what I was talking about when I wrote some of these. There are some that make a little sense to me. Others can be workshopped or made better.

Some of these are things I believe, things I’ve talked about to people in the past. Others are things I don’t really care for, but I thought might be funny so I wrote them down anyways. Some are rude and racist, and others are stupid and pointless. But I’m sure about 60% of these can be made into funny posts, somehow.

This notebook was filled out before I ever had an iPhone, because once I got an iPhone “Notes” took over for this book. Luckily, I filled it out completely before the iPhone was ever invented. So, now I have this whole book to go through, and once I’m done maybe I’ll go through my “Notes.” Why would I carry a fat notebook in my pocket all day, when I could just write anything on my iPhone and even send it to the internet for everyone to see instantly. Notebooks get lost, the internet is everywhere!

So, why am I telling you about this notebook? I’m going to start a second type of blog post called “Lost Learnings” which will consist of me reading everything on one page from the book (which will only take about < 1 minute) and trying to decipher some meaning behind what I read.

Ideally, I would like to do these “Lost Learnings” sometime during the beginning of the week and my “Original Learnings” on Fridays, like I’ve been doing.

I guess today’s Learning doesn’t really count as a “Learning,” but rather more of a “Finding,” since I found my lost notebook. (“Ferdi’s Findings” sounds cooler than “Ferdi’s Learnings” right? Oh well, too late. The blog, twitter, facebook page and everything else have already been named…)

So, since I didn’t really teach you anything, here’s my first stand-up special again from a few

years ago, in case you missed it. Look how stupid my hair looks! (Also, just trying to get some more video views).

Thanks, see you next week. Hopefully in the beginning of the week with a “Lost Learning.”

Cuban Food: It’s Out of this World!

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Being raised by and living with two real Cubans (my parents) for about 80% of my life, I’ve learned that most Cubans aren’t really into trying new food. They most definitely are not fans of anything spicy. And whenever it’s time for a birthday, graduation or a wake it’s always, “Let’s go to Versailles, La Carreta, Sergio’s, Havana Harry’s or any other Cuban restaurant.” Cuban food is magical and was invented to help us all deal with happiness, success and pain.

Another thing I’ve noticed, especially about my dad, is that anytime I do make him try a new place he always gives it the same review, “No es nada del otro mundo” (it’s nothing out of this world or nothing from another planet). I’ve heard this same review from plenty of other old Cubans in my family and some not in my family.

If you’re holding every new meal to that standard, then you’re never going to find something you like. I don’t know what they’re searching for, but whatever it is they probably won’t find it here on Earth. Where do Old Cubans think Cuban food comes from? A secret space station? The Millennium Falcon? Pandora?

Everything we have ever eaten so far has been “from this world.” None of the Old Cubans I know were ever astronauts, so I don’t know what kind of space cakes and moon pies they think they’ll find. I’m sure if we did try the cuisine from Mars or Venus it wouldn’t be very tasty. Did you see how much trouble Matt Damon went through just to grow plants on Mars (in The Martian)? An extraordinary amount of trouble.

I love Cuban food, especially croquetas and vaca frita and tres leches and flan and the bread is simply amazing (with and without butter, toasted and untoasted, it’s always great).

As a young whippersnapper I only ate hot dogs, chicken nuggets and pizza. It wasn’t until I watched Good Burger in the theater that I thought, Hey, I should give hamburgers another try! We went straight to Burger King, where I learned what burgers should taste like (or that’s what I thought at the time). Now, I enjoy trying all types of new cuisine from all over the world. (I’m no Andrew Zimmern or Anthony Bourdain, but I’ll try some stuff at Epcot Food & ‘Lines’ Festival).

Attempting to take my parents to a new place is tough, they just want something familiar. Anything not Cuban “sounds weird” to them. They like sticking to old Cuban restaurants or famous chains that they already trust. I feel this may be common in most Cubans who were born on that island.

Maybe someone (aka the government) was trying to poison everyone on the island, so they only ate at places they already trusted. Now, since coming to Miami, they’ve found their few safe restaurants and will continue dining at those and only those few spots.

Another thing with this older generation is that they were brought up on the crappy food pyramid and they have no idea what’s healthy and what isn’t. You try to explain what’s bad and why it’s bad, but they listen to idiots like Dr. Oz, Wolf Blitzer and GMA instead.

I know what’s healthy and what I should be eating. However, I choose to eat what’s not healthy because I am still kind of young and the healthy food isn’t as delicious. In fact, the healthy food usually tastes like butt and life is too short to waste it eating gross, healthy food (like quinoa and kale). But by eating that healthy, crap food you may have a longer life. But it won’t be much longer, so eat what you want. Just make sure to try new things along the way.


If you liked this Learning you should “Like,” “Comment” and/or “Share” it. That way other people will get to enjoy it too… Like DMX said, “Stop being greedy.”

ANGRY BERNIE AT BEST BUY

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Last Friday, I decided to go to Best Buy after work to check out the Wacom Tablets. After watching my work neighbor/partner, Jose, create an awesome piece of art in no time at all, I thought maybe I should buy one for myself. I owned a tablet for about a week in my time at Miami Ad School, but I returned it to get a GoPro which I haven’t used in a few years.

So, back to Best Buy. I walked into the store knowing I was in a rush. I had to go pick up a cake from Miss Patty Cakes, plus I also had to get home in time for dinner with my family. However, I still thought a quick stop at Best Buy would be fine.

There is no such thing as a “quick stop” at Best Buy for me. I took a quick 10-15 minute detour to check out movies, music and finally video games before finally making my way to the tablet section. I grabbed the Wacom Intuos Draw (the entry-level model) and walked over to the front of the store. I checked the Amazon price on my phone and it was only $0.01 cheaper so I put my phone away — no price matching necessary.

When I arrived at the front of the store I was greeted by a very long line of people. Way too long for a Friday at almost 7pm when I’m in a hurry to get home. I started walking towards the back of the line. I was on the verge of leaving the tablet in a random spot of the store, but I’m not that type of person. Also, I didn’t want to have to wait until next week to get it. I immediately noticed a second register was open with only the one person paying at it. This line was all for one register, or so I thought.

 

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I quickly skipped the long line and went straight for the other register with no line, where a customer was finishing their purchase.

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As I walked over to the non-line, an Old Angry Bernie Sanders-lookin’ Fool from the other line yelled out, “Uh, Excuse me. Don’t you see us all waiting in line?”

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*Side note: I was never going to vote for Bernie Sanders, but after this man yelled at me I will most definitely never support Bernie Sanders and it’s all because he will forever remind me of this guy. Hillary 2016! And if you don’t agree with that then you’re sexist. Also, she is the only candidate who has ever slept in the White House — for 8 years.

She’s been there, done that. She even knows which cupboard they keep the Diet Coke in. If you told Bernie where the the Diet Coke is, he’d probably forget within two hours. His whole presidency would be him trying to find where they keep the Diet Coke, with one of his White House servants constantly reminding him over and over again.

Once again, back to Best Buy. I told “Angry Bernie” that I did see him and the others waiting in a single line for the other register, but this one had no line and was fair game. Next, Angry Bernie tried to explain to me how lines work at Best Buy. I go to Best Buy a lot, like at least once a week, sometimes more. I know how the lines work. I’m a Premier Silver Reward Card Member, Angry Bernie! So, don’t try to tell me how lines work at Best Buy. It’s not a bank, there’s no velvet rope walkway. Each register has it’s own line.

Also, these two registers were on opposite sides of the same checkout counter [see exhibit a], if we would have had an [exhibit b] situation on our hands then I wouldn’t have skipped the line.

 

Whatever Angry Bernie said to me after that I cannot recall. I believe he called me rude at some point. But guess what, those people were Angry Bernie followers, and I’m my own person who chose to form my own line (in the interest of time). I’m not going to stand in his line just because they’re all afraid of Angry Bernie.

Once Angry Bernie paid he left and said nothing to me, which is how it should have been.One more thing happened after he left, though.

As I was paying, the girl who had been behind Angry Bernie had just finished paying. She walked right up to me and said, “I’m sorry about that guy. He was a real dick!” And I said, I know right! This made me feel much better, but I still had to call Elizabeth from the car to talk about this angry old idiot.

I guess the moral of the story is you don’t always have to listen to your elders, because some of them are just crazy, stupid fools. I guess you should just listen to your elder relatives, unless you know for sure that they too are crazy. In that case, don’t listen to anyone but yourself, unless you’re also crazy.

P.S. I made these artsy explanations with the help of my new Wacom Tablet, and I look forward to making more artwork with it and sharing it with you all.

Thanks, see you next week.

THAT NEW KYGO CD

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The time is now 12:10 AM and it’s Thursday. I have to post a new learning in about 9-10 hours and I have nothing. What should I write about? What have I learned this week? Last weekend I began watching the show LOVE on Netflix, created by Paul Rust and Judd Apatow (and maybe someone else). So far, the show is pretty weird, but also funny and I love Paul Rust and Britta from Community (especially because she is a completely different character in this show). I think I’ve watched 6 of 12-13 episodes and I plan to finish it this weekend.

The problem is that while I started watching this show I am still way behind on my other shows, like the New Girl, the Grinder, Modern Family, a bunch of other Netflix shows, I’m still somewhere in season 3 of Friends, and I’m 3 or 4 weeks behind on SNL. And who’s to say I won’t start season 2 of Gracie and Frankie this weekend, instead of finishing LOVE and my other shows.

I don’t have time for TV and exercise and video games and friends (real life, not the show) anymore. I now have time for either [tv] OR [exercise] OR OR [friends]. I have to choose what I want to do each night, because I only have so many free hours.

One thing I have had time for is the new Kygo album. I’ve been waiting for this guy to make a whole album because I really liked his first few singles. As I said on Twitter yesterday: “I never really listen to Robot-Deep-House-Dish Music, but this new Kygo is Chill as Fuuuuuuuuu…” (or something like that). The album dropped (because albums don’t “Come out” or “Get released” anymore, they DROP!) last Friday (also, now music drops on Friday, not Tuesdays like movies, because Best Buy said so). I didn’t know the album existed until Monday. Since Monday, I’ve listened to the album in its entirety at least 10 times, probably more than that.

The whole album has artists I never heard of on each track, but they all have Kygo’s killer beats and funky mixes with the artists singing. The only artist I did know on the album was John Legend, who sings Happy Birthday. Any song named Happy Birthday is going to be a hit, especially when featuring John Legend. Why will it be a hit? Because everyone has a birthday, and birthday’s are happening every day, and people are sick of the original happy birthday song and are always looking for some new version (The Beatles, 50 Cent, Uncle Luke).

For reals though, this album is super chill as Fuuuuuuuu…. And that’s the only way I can describe it. I plan on listening to it much more, maybe even while running. Definitely while grilling.

Just a few months ago I met Kygo, or I thought I was meeting him. It was just a kid wearing a Kygo hat, but I thought Hey, this Kygo guy isn’t that big of a deal yet, maybe this is really him. He did play along and pretend to be the real Kygo when I asked, “Oh, wait, you’re THE KYGO?” So, I will continue to tell people that I met the REAL KYGO.

Also the new M83 album is real dope. I’ve been listening to that one a lot too. Some of the songs may be weird, but overall the whole album is awesome. Ok goodnight, I’m about to play Kygo on my appleTV and go to sleep.

If you heard the new KYGO album, write a comment telling me if you think it’s “Chill as Fuuuuuuuu…” or not, and if you haven’t listened yet, then go listen. What are you waiting for? I’m not trying to tell you how to live your life, but seriously, go listen! Then comment.

*P.S. Please excuse any grammar errors, typos or whatever else is wrong with this. I wrote it when I was tired and even fell asleep somewhere in the middle for a bit with the computer on my chest. 

TAKE ME WITH YOU!

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This week I realized that the last heat game I went to was either during Year One of LeBron or Pre-LeBron. I can’t remember if LeBron was there or not. We were playing the Sixers and it was Black Friday. I know it was Black Friday because I had just mounted my new TV up on the wall that I bought that morning. Miss patty called me. The game had already started and she had just found out she had been given tickets. I kicked my friend out of my house telling him, “Get out! I’m going to Heat game!”  We arrived after or during halftime. So, the last time I went to a Heat game I only attended 50% or less.

Why am I telling you this? Because the playoffs have begun and I still haven’t been to a game this season (or the past four or five seasons). Someone needs to take me to a Heat playoff game before it’s too late, and I’m forced to wait for another season. You’re probably thinking I could just buy tickets, but they’re hard to find during the playoffs, plus they are extra expensive.

Even when we sucked it was impossible to get playoff tickets. You had to get a pre-pre-pre-sale code. One time I had a pre-sale code for Amex cardholders and they held like 2 or 3 pre-pre-pre-sales before they even got to the Amex one. By the time I was able to search on Ticketmaster everything was gone. I’ve gone down to the arena the morning of a game, with all the dirty ticket scalpers and that didn’t work out either.

As a kid I would watch every single Heat game on TV. Back when we were no good. I would sit in my room, wearing my Tim Hardaway jersey, holding onto my basketball, yelling at my TV while watching games. I was happy when we won, and very, very angry when we lost (which happened much more).


When I got to Tallahassee for college there were no more Heat games to watch. We were forced to watch the Magic and the Hawks, so I stopped watching basketball. I still had my ESPN updates and Gamecast to let me know what was going on. Some time after college I decided that sports weren’t as important as I thought they once were. With less free time I decided to waste my time watching my shows, movies and playing guitar and video games.

I still remember the day LeBron said those magical words, “I’ll be taking my talents to South Beach.” I’m sure he quickly realized that the Heat don’t actually play on South Beach, but instead in a much smellier, dirtier Downtown Miami. At first I was excited to have LeBron on our team. That first season I watched most of our games, and all of the playoffs. I would get extra angry any time we lost a game. We had LeBron, DWade and the Bosh-man. And all those other dudes too!

After that first season I decided I can’t watch all of these normal games, because I got too angry seeing us lose with the Big Three. I knew we would make the playoffs, even if we weren’t trying. So I waited until then to watch the games that actually counted.

That year we won, and the next year I went through the same thing. Since LeBron was here and even after he left I haven’t been able to follow a full Heat basketball season. This is why I need one of you to take me to a Heat Playoff game. Please, re-ignite the Heat down in my soul! I am ready to believe in the White Hot Heat again, but I just need to see it live to get excited.

Or maybe I’ll attend a game with a nice friendly friend who decides to take me. And afterwards I’ll decide that TV shows are more important. People actually work hard writing this stuff to entertain me. Sports are just a bunch of well-coordinated high school bullies who grew up and made a bunch of money (That’s not true, some of them are nice. Look at Chris Bosh, that guys a huge computer nerd).

I’m not going to say I’m done with sports, because I’m not. I still watch FSU and Dolphin football, because those are only once a week. And I will continue to watch my Chelsea Football (soccer) matches whenever I do wake up for them. However, movies and TV will take priority, and of course video games.
Thanks for listening. I look forward to hearing from one of you soon about going to one of these upcoming Heat games.