I am not a Robot… }o; I think

There’s one main reason why I prefer using my MacBook Pro over my PC for most of my “internet surfing.” People still call it surfin’ the internet, right?

Anytime I buy something or create a username for any website I come across a CAPTCHA quiz where my computer gets to decide whether or not I am a human. What’s with all of the pop quizzes, internet?

Old School Time Vortex of Words Captcha

These quizzes used to consist of strange combinations of letters and numbers that have passed through some wild time vortex. Those were easier than the visual ones of today. Anytime I am forced to choose which boxes contain [the secret item of the day] I’m only about 50% sure I’m right.

Is the pole part of the traffic light? Do jetskis count as boats? Is a boat still a boat if it’s on a trailer and not in the water? If most humans wouldn’t eat it, is it still considered food?

I didn’t know I had to go through an existential crisis to sign up for Bed, Bath and Beyond’s email list, or to buy concert tickets. Why are all of these robots wasting their time buying concert tickets and joining mailing lists? Who programmed them to do this?

They also never flat out tell you when you’re wrong, instead they move on to a new word. Maybe you’re just a dumb dumb, try again to convince me you are not a robot.

Why MacBook over PC:

Back to my main point: On my PC I have to actually choose which pictures are boats, roads, crosswalks or whatever they’re asking for. My MacBook (most of the time) assumes it’s still me and not a robot hijacking my Mac. So, it rarely goes into the guessing game. Instead I check the box I am not a robot (checkmark), and I continue with my purchase or whatever it is I’m doing.

So, although Macs are more expensive than your normal everyday PC, it’s definitely worth paying that extra money, just because your MacBook will remember that you are not a robot. If you don’t mind your computer accusing you of being a robot time and time again, then go ahead and get that DELL (or HP, or whatever Windows PC).

When to Change your Oil in a Pandemic?

Anytime I’ve asked a mechanic, “How often should I change my oil?” The answer has always been every 5,000 to 7,000 miles — depending on what oil I’m using. I never really pay attention to the second part of their advice, “…or every three to six months.”

I’ve never had to listen to that part. I’ve always reached the mile goal before the time limit. Also, I always give it a few extra hundred or thousand miles — just to be safe. Even though the oil change recommendation sticker usually says “See you at [some number] miles OR [this date].” I’ve always taken it as, “See you at [some number] miles AND [this date].” Plus, some extra on both.

During the pandemic this whole oil sticker thing became a mess. While the time limit was way past due, I wasn’t even halfway to my mile goal. It didn’t make sense to me. How often do you change your oil when you’re not putting any miles on your car? Never…

I did eventually get my oil changed — possibly too late, as always. My car also has a meter that tells me my oil life in percentage. I don’t know how it works so I don’t truly trust it. I don’t think it’s actually testing my oil by reading any specific levels or anything like that. I believe it’s just a slow countdown in percentage.

The oil life meter is now at 30%-ish, so I guess it’s time for another oil change — soon.

If this helped at least one person realize that they need to get an oil change because they forgot that oil changes were a thing in this crazy year, then I have done my job.

Thank you and good night.

Remember Arm Wrestling…

Remember when arm wrestling was a thing in movies? There was a time where most movies had a scene (usually at a bar) where one character had to arm wrestle another person (usually a giant strong dude) for information, some form of goods or just to prove themselves. This was in the 80s and 90s.

Some companies were dedicated to making specialty arm wrestling tables where you’d strap in your elbow and grab a small handle with your non-wrestling hand to have a stable arm wrestling match.

These tables are completely useless for any other activity. You can’t put snacks
on a table with all of these arm wrestling pillows… it’s just stupid!

Arm wrestling was even a thing you would see on real TV sometimes (like how you see cornhole tournaments, grocery bagging championships and cup stacking competitions today on ESPN). There was an arm wrestling league where people would arm wrestle each other in tournaments to see who had the strongest dominant arm.

Side Note: I actually looked it up and WAL, aka the World Armwrestling League is still a thing and there’s a Buffalo Wild Wings Open, so I guess it’s time we all boycott Buffalo Wild Wings?

I bet becoming the arm wrestling world champ is much easier as a lefty — less competition.

I’m not saying we should bring back the practice of arm wrestling, in fact, I think the exact opposite is true. I hope I never have to see another arm wrestling match in a movie ever again. If I see two people trying to arm wrestle in a bar I’m leaving that bar and I will never return.

Arm wrestling is a stupid thing of the past and it should be made illegal and forever banned in the entire world. I’m sorry if you’re reading this and you happen to be a professional arm wrestler, because that means you’ve wasted your life and you’re just realizing that right now as you read this.

So, in conclusion, Arm wrestling sucks. Why not be a full-body wrestler instead? Well, not a “real” Olympic wrestler because that’s boring to watch, be in the WWE and have a fun backstory. Have a cool finishing move that doesn’t make sense, but people are still afraid of it. Get your hands on that championship belt.

Or, if instead you don’t want to be any type of wrestler that’s ok too. Just keep doing whatever it is you were doing before you read this.

Thanks for your time, bye bye.

Super Bowl LV in Review (Ad Edition)

Let me start off by saying that I am a trained advertiser. My certificate from the Miami Ad School will prove that to you. Check it out right here:

My Miami Ad School Diploma for Copywriting

I am an also award-winning copywriter. My Andy Award will prove it to you. (I’ve received other awards too, they just wanted us to pay to create a physical version, so we didn’t do that). Check it out right here:

My Andy Award for our student project — The Underground Library

So, I think I’m pretty qualified to analyze Super Bowl Ads. Now, I did not watch the entire Super Bowl, and there’s only one set of ads that I want to talk about — the T-Mobile ones. And although they were very clever and funny, the overall message just doesn’t work and I’ll tell you why. (I hope none of my friends from Ad School were involved with these).

Super Bowl LV – T-Mobile Ad – Gwen & Blake

First off, did you watch the video above? Ok, good…

The ad says, DON’T TRUST YOUR LOVE LIFE TO JUST ANY NETWORK. T-Mobile is blaming Adam Levine’s “bad network” for Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani ending up together. So, if Adam Levine would have been using T-Mobile 5G back “a few year ago” then we wouldn’t have Blake and Gwen together today.

A few weeks ago, Bill Maher talked about how America needs a couple like Blake and Gwen to show us that we can all get along. If Blake and Gwen, two people with completely different political beliefs, can find a way to love each other then we should all be able to love each other too (Of course, some people are racist and evil and you don’t have to love them). This ad shows me that T-Mobile supports a divided country and that’s not cool. I am so glad to be an AT&T customer and I hope to one day have a poor service, life-changing FaceTime call with someone.

Now onto the second ad in this series: Gronk and Brady

Super Bowl LV – T-Mobile Ad – Gronk & Brady

The second ad shows that a poor service FaceTime call between Tom Brady and Gronk is the whole reason Tom Brady didn’t retire and won another Super Bowl. It’s also the reason why Gronk was forced to come back and get another ring with him. So, again if these two dudes had T-Mobile at the time of this call they would have been living a boring retired life instead of adding to their Super Bowl bling collections.

So, what we have learned from these two commercials?
Sometimes, great things happen when you have crappy service.

For these ads to have worked in T-Mobile’s favor they should have reversed the messaging to:
Bad things happen when you have crappy service.

* * *

There is only one Super Bowl commercial that has ever mattered to me. It was for Colgate (even though I’ve always been a Crest person and now a Sensodyne person). The commerical basically said, “Hey! Turn off the water while you brush your teeth, dummy!” It’s been five years and I still think of that message whenever I leave the faucet on while brushing my teeth.

So, that and of course anything featuring talking M&M’s always wins as my favorite commercials.

Colgate Faucet Ad – Super Bowl (2016)

Side Note: *The truth is most people are stupid and they’ll just think, ‘Aw, those T-Mobile commercials were real funny. I think I’ll get T-Mobile.’ And they won’t over-analyze the whole situation like me and that’s fine. I don’t actually believe that T-Mobile supports a divided country, I believe they are just as evil as the rest of the phone companies (including AT&T).

Bowling is Weird(er now)

Come with me to a magical time. A time before this pandemic. A time where we could freely leave our homes to do things with other people and not be worried about masks, social distancing, being indoors, crowds… (I started writing this learning a few months ago, but never got to finish. And now I have completed it, but have added corrections due to the current situation we all find ourselves in).

___

Bowling always is was a fun thing to do. I don’t go very often, EVER! Up until this past weekend some time in February or March, the only time I’d go bowling was on Christmas day when my friend and his wife were in town. However, this weekend many, many months ago we went bowling with some friends, and it was a pretty fun time. (I call bowling a game and not a sport, because even the Pros drink beer while bowling — that’s still true).

There is however one thing that they can change about bowling will probably be changed whenever it comes back, if it isn’t back already. Any time that you have to share a bowling lane/area with another group of strangers they are always loud and annoying. I don’t think we’re going to be allowed to share bowling areas with strangers anymore, and that’s a great thing.

You always get grouped with a big, loud family, a birthday party full of unsupervised children who are high on cake and pizza or some other obnoxious group. It’s never a quiet old couple or a group you would actually get along with. No matter who you’re paired with in bowling, they are always going to suck.

Bowling would be much better if they treated it like an Asian private karaoke bar (these could still be open during the pandemic). Every lane is a private room and you don’t have to deal with another party or strangers (also a great idea during the COVID times). If bowling were like this everyone could be as loud or annoying as they want to be, to their own group. If the people you were bowling near hated you, it would be because your friends actually hate you.

Also, why is it that no one can ever remember which ball they were rolling with (this will always be a problem in bowling)? Any time you get up to bowl and there’s a mix of two groups, your ball is always missing. You end up trying out every ball on the belt. Why can’t people keep track of their balls? Anytime it’s my turn and my ball is missing, I almost always see the stranger in the next lane rolling it (This is my second time calling it “rolling a bowling ball,” is that really what it’s called?).

Also, these huge groups bring way too many balls to the bowling area. There are always several balls that no one is using that just stay there the entire night (yes, because only psychos go bowling in the day time).

And one more thing, why do bowling shoes look like that? They always have some ugly doo doo brown color mixed in. They have your shoe size in a large font, what if you don’t want people knowing how large your feet are? Do you ask for a smaller size and just deal with it all night?

I guess what I’m saying is Bowling is weird!
And, it’s about to get a lot weirder if it hasn’t already.

COVID DREAMS???

Has the Coronavirus infiltrated your dream world? For the most part my dreams haven’t contained much COVID yet (no masks or social distancing necessary). Most of my dreams have taken place in the past or possibly some alternate reality where this whole pandemic debacle hasn’t even happened (or maybe we had a real grown up president in my dreams who knew to listen to the smart people in the room and the whole thing has passed).

In my last dream, I discovered that I had a check for $1,500 from DMX (yes, that DMX the rapper AKA Earl Simmons). Maybe it came from one of his albums that I had owned
(It’s Dark and Hell is Hot? Flesh of my Flesh, Blood of my Blood? The Great Depression?) 

In my dream, I obviously went to the bank to check if this check was for real. I ran into a friend at the bank, helped start her car and from there the whole thing transformed into a murder mystery inside of the bank/haunted mansion (because now the bank had transformed into a haunted mansion). 

I never found out if that check from DMX was real or not. I definitely searched my room for it in the morning (Spoiler Alert! I found nothing but a few DMX CDs).
(…And then there was X, Grand Champ, The Great Depression)

I guess what I really wanted to say is, “Dreams are weird. Wear a mask and vote for Biden!”

-Also, I owned most of DMX’s discography, so maybe the dude does owe me a check.

SPIDERWEBS ARE BEAUTIFUL (BUT ALSO GROSS)

Spiderwebs are one of the true wonders of nature. They are so beautiful to see — in photos. However, one of the worst things that could happen to you in life is walking through a spiderweb.

One is never prepared to walk through a spiderweb. And the worst part is, you never know if the spider is home or not. What if some other creepy critter (“The Captured”) is around waiting to be dinner? Now they’re your problem.

The other day I walked through a spiderweb and it was not (and never is) a pleasant experience. I flailed my arms and it somehow always feels like some of the web is in your mouth. 

This event sparked multiple questions into my mind, but the main one was, “Where do spiderwebs come from?” 

Spiders! Of course, but how? 

How does something so tiny and spooky create such a marvelous work of art? The short answer (from Google) is using proteins to make silk. Wow, what a crazy world we live in.