Monthly Archives: July 2016

Summer Vacation

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[Warning: This week’s learning will be a short one, because I’m on vacation…]

This past week I’ve been in Siesta Key on vacation, like every summer of my life. I love coming here and spending the week at the beach, under a tent, hiding from the sun. I’m not excited to leave Saturday and go back to the real world, but I am excited for the Harry Potter and the Cursed Child midnight release party on Saturday night. And to finally sleep in my bed past 8 AM on Sunday morning.

What I learned this week is that I’ve come to Siesta Key for at least one week each summer, for the past 30 years, minus one or two years. That means I’ve lived in Siesta Key for about 28 weeks of my life, which is over half a year (because 52 weeks is a full year).

By now, I should be a resident of Siesta Key.

I should have a dual citizenship (Key Biscayne and Siesta Key).

I should have two voter’s registrations — one in Siesta Key, and one in Miami-Dade (that’s assuming I am already registered to vote in Miami-Dade County, which I’m about 36% sure I am).

I’ve lived in Siesta Key for the same amount of time that I lived in New York — 6 months.

When I’m old and rich I will move to Siesta Key and I will die in Siesta Key — That’s all…

National Conventions

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An opponent of the Republican National Convention Rules Committee's report and rules changes screams at the Republican National Convention in ClevelandFL title

This week I learned that the RNC, Republican National Convention, was happening. I haven’t watched much of the RNC, but I’ve seen enough to know that I don’t care for it. All I’ve really seen so far was Stephen Colbert attending and interviewing guests dressed like Caesar Flickerman (from the Hunger Games), and a few other people who were there to mock it.

Last night, I watched about two minutes of Trump talking when I walked by a TV that was playing it. I only watched two minutes because I can’t watch Trump for too long. He’s an idiot who is full of crap (I don’t get how some people AKA “True Republicans” don’t see that). I guess every politician ever has been full of crap, that’s how you get into politics in the first place. Before becoming a mayor, governor or senator of anything you have to first prove that you are a dirtbag who is full of crap. Once you prove that, you’re free to hire a team to do all your work for you while you show your dumb face at some events.

I don’t want to talk about the politicians (anymore) or tell you who to vote for (however, I will tell you who you shouldn’t vote for, Donald Trump). I want to talk about the crazy people who attend these National Conventions. Whether talking about Republicans or Democrats, the attendees at both conventions are crazy people.

Have you ever been to an Insane Clown Posse concert? I haven’t, but I have seen some YouTube videos of what goes down there. At an ICP concert (or rally), “fans” AKA juggalos paint their faces, show off their pointless tattoos, start fires, get hammered drunk and probably do tons of meth.

I imagine that these National Conventions (AKA Election rallies) are the same as an ICP concert (AKA Juggalo Rally), except the people dress nicer, they hide their tattoos (but I’m sure they are also stupid tattoos), the fires probably happen at some hidden after party, they also drink alcohol, but maybe some more expensive alcohol and instead of meth they use more expensive high-class drugs like pills, heroin and cocaine.

Have you seen how crazy these people at the National Conventions? They just scream and yell and cheer as some politician tells them lies. They act like teen girls in the 60’s seeing the Beatles live for the first time. Or like this guy…

 

Here are some opinions I have about stuff:

If you pay money to go to a National Convention of any kind, then you are an idiot.

Why? Spend your money on a concert or a Comic Con or literally any other type of convention. Go to a antique furniture roadshow, a home and garden convention, anything but this crap.

 

If you put the sticker of any presidential candidate on your car, then you are an idiot.

Why? If that person loses, everyone will know that you are a loser for the next 4, 8 or however many years you keep your car. I saw a car with a John Kerry sticker the other day and the first thing that came to my mind was “Loser.”

 

If you give money to a presidential candidate, then you are an idiot.

Why? Do you know how much money these people are wasting each day? And how much money they probably already have? Keep your money to yourself, or give it to a real charity, not some rich white folk running for president.

 

And now, I will leave you with this…

HOW POKEMON GO SAVED MY LIFE!

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Last weekend I installed PokemonGO on my iPhone before visiting (my not-best friend), Worms. He told me he would teach me how to PokemonGO once I got to his house. So, I quickly installed it on my phone while playing MGS on my PS4 and then didn’t touch it until I arrived at his house.

I went to his house and me, Rizzdoggs and (my not-best friend) Worms went walking around the Granada golf course with our phones, two dogs and my beer. After finding a few Pokemon and wasting about half of my phone battery I was addicted, but also hungry. So, I ran back to Worms house for my sushi.

I’ve heard so many people hating on PokemonGO. They’re angry that it’s taking over the scene. There’s one thing all the haters have in common — they haven’t played the game yet. They haven’t even installed it on their phones. These haters are the same people who hate the idea of an all female Ghostbusters movie, but guess what haters… I’m watching that this weekend and I’ll probably play some PokemonGO, too.

Why do these people hate PokemonGO without ever trying it? I don’t know, but my guess is they’re scared. They’re scared of it taking over their life and becoming all that they do. The game has become a curse for some, but that’s because some people are idiots. Don’t PokemonGO while you’re driving in your car on the highway. (1) There’s no Pokemon hiding on the highway, Niantic has conveniently placed them in parks, malls and places where people walk. (2) It’s not safe to stare at your phone for that long while driving a car.

You don’t need to be staring at your phone while PokemonGo-ing. If you’ve run into a pole, wall or other obstacle then you are also dumb. When searching for Pokemon be smart about it. Open the app, and put your phone down, but keep it in your hand, once it vibrates you’ll know that a Pokemon is nearby. There’s no need to walk around with your phone at your face covering the real world. Also, once you find one stay still, look around using your camera, catch it and be on your way. There’s no need to run around behind it, if you don’t move the Pokemon won’t either.

I still haven’t gotten into how PokemonGO saved my life, but don’t worry I’ll tell you about it now. For the past few weekends I haven’t been waking up early to exercise, or doing any type of physical activity at all. I wake up and eat food and play video games and watch TV, all day. But last Sunday that changed and it changed because of PokemonGO. Last Sunday I decided to ride my longboard around Key Biscayne for 2 hours searching for Pokemon. I must have rode my longboard for 5 km (whatever that means in miles) or more, because I incubated a few eggs on my journey.

Since Sunday I’ve also woken up earlier this week to work out everyday except yesterday. The last few weeks I’ve woken up once or twice and slept in the rest of the week. When I wake up early on the weekdays I don’t do it to search for Pokemon (like other people I know), but I have found some in a few places.

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PokemonGO may not be for everyone, but if you’re hating on it without ever trying it, maybe you should try it out. And if you’re playing and can’t drive in the car without using it, maybe you should delete it.

Culinary Critics

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There are some rumors going around insinuating that chefs are crazy. If you watch Kitchen Nightmares or Hell’s Kitchen or any Gordon Ramsay show, you may agree (I do not watch those shows, so I hope he’s on at least one of them). You might believe in a world where all chefs have exploding personalities and you should just leave them alone. I don’t think this is true and I’ll tell you why.

Last week, I began watching Chef’s Table on Netflix and I’m now on the 6th or 7th episode. If you aren’t watching this show yet, you need to start now. Take a break from OITNB and watch some Chef’s Table, then get back to OITNB if you really need to. I like that each episode of Chef’s Table keeps you jumping around the world following one master chef at a time (not to be confused with the Master Chief). Also, each episode is completely different from the last because each chef has a different story, personality and culinary style.

If you want to know who the real crazies are, it’s definitely not the chefs. Of the 6 or 7 chefs I’ve seen so far, only one was a little crazy. He wasn’t exactly crazy though, he was just an Argentinian hippie. Another one was a bit angry, but he did say he needed to work on that. So, at least he acknowledged his faults.

The real crazy people are the food critics who make a living talking about these chefs. Who are these hipster food scientists, dissecting each meal to write a column about it? And what gives them the authority to say what food is better than the rest?

I’m asking because I would like to have this job. Just eat food and talk about it, all day. I’d also get to create my own strange wardrobe by taking stuff from Urban Outfitters and thrift stores into a secret lair, then sewing them together and create a hybrid clothing line specifically for myself. According to the food critics I’ve seen so far, If you’re all about writing about food, you also have to be all about fashion, but not other people’s fashion. You must create your own weird costumes, that only you can pull off.

Maybe the food critics create these outrageous outfits in order to stand out when they come into restaurants. They want the chef to know who they are. I’m a critic, give me the good food! These aren’t this new breed of yelp reviewers, Chef’s Table doesn’t believe in yelp (and neither do I!). These critics probably attended culinary school, but not to learn how to make wild dishes. They wanted to be able to write about other people’s wild dishes.

Of all the food critics I’ve seen in 6 or 7 episodes, I think only one of them looked like an everyday human. The rest look like they belong at Mos Eisley’s Cantina. They aren’t weird-shaped or goofy-faced, it’s mostly just their clothes that makes them seem different. “And people always scared of what’s different,” someone said that in Remember the Titans (and probably some other movies too).

Since I’ve only seen 6 or 7 episodes, that’s all I’ve learned so far. Also, just from watching Chef’s Table my culinary skills may be improving. Last week I bought some sashimi tuna at the Fresh Market and I made a super gourmet, culinary chef experience out of it. I even had a beautiful presentation worthy of a Kaiseki dining experience. (Episode 4: Niki Nakayama – n/naka)
Watch Chef’s Table and learn some stuff…

HORRIBLE JOB(S)

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Earlier this year, I learned that someone’s actual job at Target is to collect the items that crappy customers leave out of place, returning them to their actual spot. I guess I always knew this was a job at most retail stores, but it wasn’t until I saw the guy doing it that I felt bad for him. I especially felt bad because I was with my friend who had just left an item two aisles away from where she got it when we ran into the guy.

It was kind of sad and happy at the same time, because her leaving the item meant he had to find it and figure out where it belonged, but it also gave him something to do. Imagine if he just cruised the aisles each day never to find anything out of place, what a boring job. What makes his job fun is that he’s like a pirate searching for a treasure, but once he finds this treasure he has to go on a new adventure to find it’s true home.

So, maybe that’s not such a crappy job, but I did think of something way worse now…

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A few months ago I went to Dadeland Mall to kill time between work and going to the movies. I don’t remember exactly where I went in the mall to kill time, but that’s not important. The important thing is that once I arrived at the mall I really had to make a pee pee. I walked in through Nordstrom because I thought, Nordstrom should have a clean bathroom, right? WRONG! I was way, way wrong.

When I head into any public restroom (is it a restroom or bathroom? I’ll keep restroom, because there’s no bathtub), I usually head into the handicapped stall. And that’s for one reason — there’s way more room in there. Regular stalls are so small today, you can barely close the door without standing on the toilet (and it’s usually quite a dirty toilet). Also, in my mind, the handicapped stall is used less, because there are less handicapped people than non-handicapped people in the world (although I’m sure most non-handicapped people use this stall when no one else is around — I mean I do it).

In case a handicapped person ever does catch me in their stall I already have my story. I’ll tell them this, “Sorry, I’m Claustrophobic and these other stalls are so small that I freak out in there,” I think it’s believable. And if it’s not believable that’s fine, you can wait a few minutes for me, I’m sure I’ve waited behind you in plenty of lines in my life.

Back to Nordstrom. The first thing I noticed was that the women had a “lounge,” not a “bathroom” or “restroom.” Even though the men still only had a restroom and not a lounge, I still thought I was pretty safe in choosing the cleanest bathroom in the mall (which I said before. Just wanted to make sure you’re still paying attention). Well, don’t ever judge a bathroom by it’s store (as some people say…). I walked into the men’s restroom to find loose turds everywhere. There was one on the toilet seat, which I can kind of understand kind of, but also not really. How does someone make it all the way to the toilet and still not make it a swoosh? That hole is pretty big, even when the seat’s down.

There was also poop on the floor almost by the front door. When I saw this I turned on my detective mode in my brain. This means someone either pulled their pants down as they walked in because they couldn’t hold it in anymore and poop just started coming out, like a frogurt machine, since the moment they entered the restroom. Maybe they thought they were done and started leaving the bathroom but were surprised by one last turd that hadn’t made it’s way out yet.

Either way, who’s the sick person who couldn’t clean up their own poop? And how did this person poop all over the floor and toilet seat of a bathroom and go on with their day? Someone has to clean shit that up, literally. Apparently, in Nordstrom it’s someone very lazy, because it hadn’t been picked up yet. Or maybe the person walked in right before me, saw what I saw and quit right on the spot, never telling a soul.

I didn’t even make my pee pee in Nordstrom. I just left in search of a new bathroom. Dadeland has a new wing, so I decided to make my way over there. New wing = new, clean bathrooms, right? Maybe not so right. I practically speed walked over to the bathroom, because I could barely hold my pee pee anymore.

I finally made it to the bathroom and some stupid foreigner was standing in the entrance, playing on his phone. MOVE YOUR SHIT! Is what I yelled in my head, but I just kind of knocked him out of the way with my shoulder, instead. What I found in this bathroom was not as gross, but very confusing. I walked into the first stall I found, because the pee pee was about to come out.

As I finally began peeing, I noticed a mountain of toilet paper on the ground to the left of the toilet. It was almost two feet high, but created out of clean toilet paper (which is much better than dirty toilet paper). Detective mode back on! Did someone come in with a baby, but no stroller, so they created this makeshift baby changing station out of soft-sandpapery, public restroom toilet paper? Or was a stupid kid in here who just wanted to unroll all the TP, but had nowhere to put it? Either way whatever had happened in there was much better than the Nordstrom situation, but I still find myself thinking about it now and this happened months ago.

So, I guess what I’m trying to say is, if you’re a Public Bathroom Terrorist and you’re reading this, clean your shit up! But if you are a Public Bathroom Terrorist, then you are probably not reading this, because if you don’t know how to poop into a toilet, or clean up after yourself in a bathroom then you probably can’t read either.

Have a happy day and don’t forget to clean up after yourselves…