A few weeks ago I downloaded Tinder, and it wasn’t just to meet strangers. I have always wondered why no one has made a Tinder-parody out of Pitbull and Ke$ha’s Timber. It would be so simple:
“It’s going down.
I’m on that TINDER.
Two swipes to the left.
Then one to the right.
Let’s make a night
I’m yellin’ TINDER!
This girl is fine,
She got three kids
(Pitbull: Left Swipe)”
And that only took me less than one minute. Imagine what Weird Al could do with that song.
I’m not writing this to tell you how to write a parody song. I actually learned a lot from using Tinder for one or two weeks. Here are the ten things I learned about Tinder, in Orlando:
1 80% of the girls on Tinder (in Orlando) work for Disney.
I thought Disney was a magical place, full of love and happiness. I guess it’s just a place where lonely people work, so they can have no time to go out and meet new people. Instead, they are forced to make Tinder profiles showing off how much they love Disney.
2 10% of the girls on Tinder are fake sex robots
Sometimes you find a match and you get a message right away, with a link. “Meet me at my SexDojo.com if you’re down to fool around.” (but much dirtier than that…). Don’t click on the link! Your phone will blow up, literally.
3 Sometimes you run into a familiar face on the Tinder
The other day I found a girl I actually know, we are even Facebook friends. I swiped like, because someone I know is less likely to murder me. She didn’t swipe like on me, or she hasn’t found me yet, cause we still aren’t a match. :0(
4 Every 21 year old that says, “Not here to hook up” has at least 3 kids
You probably said that to the last three dudes you met, and now they’re your three baby daddies. That’s way too many kids for a 21 year old. One kid is probably too many kids for a 21 year old.
5 Sometimes you get random dudes that show up.
Hey Gays, You have you’re own Tinder, it’s called Grinder. Get back on the Grind and leave me alone. I don’t have time to be swiping on dudes.
6 If I have something in common with any girl it’s usually that we both “like” Buddy the Elf on Facebook
Back in college I “Liked” a page on Facebook called Buddy the Elf, and apparently so did every girl in Orlando. Now that is what most of us have in common, that or liking Bradley Cooper, Chris Pratt, or JGL.
7 After too many swipes to the NOPE side, you start to feel really bad about yourself
Sometimes you go on a hot streak of swiping to the left (NOPE) too many times and you instantly feel like you’ve done something wrong. ‘Who am I to judge all these women from just one picture?’ I am no King. Seeing a big red NOPE doesn’t make it any better.
8 A good amount of the girls on Tinder are just trying to gain more Instagram followers
“Follow me on Instagram and Snapchat!” is something you see on many profiles. This isn’t a social media networking app. Tinder is for serious people who want to meet new friends in real life, or who want to lie to strangers over their phone using a third-party text messaging app.
9 There are a lot of liars on Tinder
Sometimes you find a girl and her age says 25 or something appropriate, but once you click to learn more the first thing you read is “Actually 16, but who’s counting.” Go meet people in the real world you young floozie.
10 If they have a picture with a kid and it’s not there’s you will see “Relax! That’s just my nephew.”
This is just a test. These girls are putting the picture of them with a child to make sure you actually read what they wrote about themselves in the profile. When you match with them they will probably say to themselves, ‘Aw, he read my cute bio…’
When you think about it, Tinder is just a modern day AOL chat room, but it’s on your phone and local and usually with real people (not just pedophiles). You meet new people, you lie about everything, and sometimes you get to see them in real life and hopefully not get murdered. So, overall Tinder is a fun way to waste time. It’s sort of like the new Candy Crush for me, but I’m actually interacting with real people, sometimes.