Earlier this year, I learned that someone’s actual job at Target is to collect the items that crappy customers leave out of place, returning them to their actual spot. I guess I always knew this was a job at most retail stores, but it wasn’t until I saw the guy doing it that I felt bad for him. I especially felt bad because I was with my friend who had just left an item two aisles away from where she got it when we ran into the guy.

It was kind of sad and happy at the same time, because her leaving the item meant he had to find it and figure out where it belonged, but it also gave him something to do. Imagine if he just cruised the aisles each day never to find anything out of place, what a boring job. What makes his job fun is that he’s like a pirate searching for a treasure, but once he finds this treasure he has to go on a new adventure to find it’s true home.

So, maybe that’s not such a crappy job, but I did think of something way worse now…

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A few months ago I went to Dadeland Mall to kill time between work and going to the movies. I don’t remember exactly where I went in the mall to kill time, but that’s not important. The important thing is that once I arrived at the mall I really had to make a pee pee. I walked in through Nordstrom because I thought, Nordstrom should have a clean bathroom, right? WRONG! I was way, way wrong.

When I head into any public restroom (is it a restroom or bathroom? I’ll keep restroom, because there’s no bathtub), I usually head into the handicapped stall. And that’s for one reason — there’s way more room in there. Regular stalls are so small today, you can barely close the door without standing on the toilet (and it’s usually quite a dirty toilet). Also, in my mind, the handicapped stall is used less, because there are less handicapped people than non-handicapped people in the world (although I’m sure most non-handicapped people use this stall when no one else is around — I mean I do it).

In case a handicapped person ever does catch me in their stall I already have my story. I’ll tell them this, “Sorry, I’m Claustrophobic and these other stalls are so small that I freak out in there,” I think it’s believable. And if it’s not believable that’s fine, you can wait a few minutes for me, I’m sure I’ve waited behind you in plenty of lines in my life.

Back to Nordstrom. The first thing I noticed was that the women had a “lounge,” not a “bathroom” or “restroom.” Even though the men still only had a restroom and not a lounge, I still thought I was pretty safe in choosing the cleanest bathroom in the mall (which I said before. Just wanted to make sure you’re still paying attention). Well, don’t ever judge a bathroom by it’s store (as some people say…). I walked into the men’s restroom to find loose turds everywhere. There was one on the toilet seat, which I can kind of understand kind of, but also not really. How does someone make it all the way to the toilet and still not make it a swoosh? That hole is pretty big, even when the seat’s down.

There was also poop on the floor almost by the front door. When I saw this I turned on my detective mode in my brain. This means someone either pulled their pants down as they walked in because they couldn’t hold it in anymore and poop just started coming out, like a frogurt machine, since the moment they entered the restroom. Maybe they thought they were done and started leaving the bathroom but were surprised by one last turd that hadn’t made it’s way out yet.

Either way, who’s the sick person who couldn’t clean up their own poop? And how did this person poop all over the floor and toilet seat of a bathroom and go on with their day? Someone has to clean shit that up, literally. Apparently, in Nordstrom it’s someone very lazy, because it hadn’t been picked up yet. Or maybe the person walked in right before me, saw what I saw and quit right on the spot, never telling a soul.

I didn’t even make my pee pee in Nordstrom. I just left in search of a new bathroom. Dadeland has a new wing, so I decided to make my way over there. New wing = new, clean bathrooms, right? Maybe not so right. I practically speed walked over to the bathroom, because I could barely hold my pee pee anymore.

I finally made it to the bathroom and some stupid foreigner was standing in the entrance, playing on his phone. MOVE YOUR SHIT! Is what I yelled in my head, but I just kind of knocked him out of the way with my shoulder, instead. What I found in this bathroom was not as gross, but very confusing. I walked into the first stall I found, because the pee pee was about to come out.

As I finally began peeing, I noticed a mountain of toilet paper on the ground to the left of the toilet. It was almost two feet high, but created out of clean toilet paper (which is much better than dirty toilet paper). Detective mode back on! Did someone come in with a baby, but no stroller, so they created this makeshift baby changing station out of soft-sandpapery, public restroom toilet paper? Or was a stupid kid in here who just wanted to unroll all the TP, but had nowhere to put it? Either way whatever had happened in there was much better than the Nordstrom situation, but I still find myself thinking about it now and this happened months ago.

So, I guess what I’m trying to say is, if you’re a Public Bathroom Terrorist and you’re reading this, clean your shit up! But if you are a Public Bathroom Terrorist, then you are probably not reading this, because if you don’t know how to poop into a toilet, or clean up after yourself in a bathroom then you probably can’t read either.

Have a happy day and don’t forget to clean up after yourselves…