Tag Archives: toilet

Urinals & Bathroom Humor

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This first question is for the dudes. Have you ever found yourself in the middle of a pee in a public restroom and you hear female voices coming from outside and immediately think you may be in the wrong bathroom? Then, you look down and realize you’re peeing at a urinal and they don’t have those in women’s bathrooms — or at least that is what we’ve been told.

Do women even know what a urinal looks like in real life? I guess from TV and movies, right? But I bet they would look weird in real life if you weren’t used to seeing them all the time.

I remember back in middle school the boys thought it was funny to lock each other in the girls bathroom. It was like the scariest thing that could happen, because that is exactly where you would go to catch the cooties. One day our teacher got annoyed and split the class into two groups: girls and boys.

She then took the girls on a field trip to the boys bathroom and the boys on a field trip to the girls bathroom to show us they were basically the same. I think one boy asked, “hey, where’s the urinals?” I remember the girl’s room having pink tiles on the wall, while we had blue — like a gender reveal party.

Here’s another bathroom thing I hear all the time lately. Any time the line for the Men’s bathroom is longer than the Women’s, I hear about seventeen different people say the same thing, “Wow, the men’s line is longer than the women’s? That never happens.”

What I noticed lately is that this does happen, often. Usually at places like the movies, after watching a big action movie. Something like Top Gun: Maverick or any new Marvel or Star Wars. It happens at sporting events and at rock concerts. It even happens at casinos (last time I was at the Hard Rock).

I’m pretty sure the men’s line is longer than the women’s line in most bathrooms, other than bars. And even there, lately the men have had a longer line. It was in college when women’s lines were always longer.

That’s all the bathroom thoughts I’ve had lately. I hope you enjoyed them. Thanks and I’ll be back later this week or next week with a special new post if everything goes as planned.

Doing Too Much

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A Short Story:

Back when I was a student at the Miami Ad School, they’d bring in a weekly “Industry Hero” (someone working in advertising or something adjacent) to do a sort of Ted Talk for the student body. Afterwards, the person would stick around to teach the “Heroes” class, where they’d assign a week-long project based on their specific area of expertise. Most of these “Heroes” were former Ad School alum.

We had a few professional photographers as guest “Heroes.” I noticed that most of them used Canon cameras and products, and so did most of the students. I had a Nikon. The Miami Ad School was sort of like going to Hogwarts, but instead of visiting Diagon Alley for a wand, animal companion and magical broomstick, you’d instead go to Best Buy for a MacBook, Adobe Suite and a DSLR camera.

Back to the point, there was one “Hero” photographer who was an older gentleman one week and he happened to use Nikon products. One student asked, “Why do you use Nikon over Canon?” As if he were using the wrong camera. His answer was great, he said, “Nikon makes lenses and telescopes. Canon makes printers. Would you rather take pictures with a telescope or a printer?” As a fellow Nikon-user I thought that was a pretty sweet answer. All of the Canon folks thought the guy was a big D-hole.

I chose Nikon because (years earlier) looking at DSLR cameras with my friend we asked, “What’s the difference?” We were told, “Nikon is better for photos of stuff, while Canon is better for people.” Is that true? I don’t know, but I do know that I prefer to take photos of stuff (mountains, outdoors, oceans and cities), because any time you take a picture of a person they immediately say, “Let me see,” and “Uh, I hate it!”

Animals and babies are cool to take pictures of because they don’t do that. So, why am I telling you this story? I started thinking about companies and brands that work in multiple industries, and how it always seems weird when seeing a company’s name on some product knowing what unrelated product they also create.

Too Many Things:

For example, Yamaha makes musical instruments, but also motor vehicles*. When I was a kid there was a car company named Daewoo, at the same time my friend’s TV in his room was made by Daewoo. Dove makes chocolates and soaps — ok, I googled it and those are two different Doves, but it’s still confusing — it would be odd if one Dove product went inside and one went outside of your body, right?

*After some more googling I found out that Yamaha Music and Motors are two separate companies, but originated and are owned from the same mothership.

At the movie theater the other day I noticed the urinal pad read “Royal Company” and I thought I hope that’s not what RC in RC Cola stands for, because I don’t want my urinal pads coming from the same factory as my soda. I don’t drink RC Cola, but if I did and this were true it would have most definitely changed my soda drinking habits.

There are companies like Sony and Microsoft that have gaming consoles, computers, TVs and all types of divisions. Samsung makes TVs, appliances and all sorts of electronics. These are all in the same sector so that doesn’t really bother me.

I started thinking of people I know, especially fellow castmates from my improv theater. We all have different jobs and backgrounds, but that’s what makes us funny when we’re put on stage together to make stuff up. We have lawyers, accountants, bankers, firefighters, teachers, designers, writers and more… No Doctors though, doctors are never funny. If you have a funny doctor, you need a new doctor. Ken Jeong (aka Mr Chang – Community and Leslie Chow – The Hangover movies) was a funny doctor once and he had to leave that profession behind to become a successful actor/comedian instead.

I for one wear many different hats each day. I work as an accountant during the day, I freelance as a writer, copywriter, photographer and graphic designer sometimes. I write and create content for my two blog/sites (this one and myVGBC.com) each week. I also sometimes make ice cream, banana pudding and sweet treats to sell to people (Ferdi’s Ice Cream — returning soon?). You can also catch me on stage at Just the Funny making people laugh every once in a while. Do any of these take away from the others? I don’t think so.

While multiple separate companies can be owned by one singular brand/company, that doesn’t mean the same two people are working on each product. It just means that the executives (aka Overlords) running the show are watching over everything. These smaller companies are just operating under one bigger umbrella, but separately. As long as you trust one of those companies, I’m pretty sure you can give the others a chance. At least until they prove you wrong. We are all more than just one thing, and I guess companies and brands can be too.

The main thing though is to definitely keep the toilet stuff and food stuff separate. Urinal pad and soda manufacturing don’t belong in the same building, warehouse, city or even state… Ever!

HORRIBLE JOB(S)

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public-bathroom-rules

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Earlier this year, I learned that someone’s actual job at Target is to collect the items that crappy customers leave out of place, returning them to their actual spot. I guess I always knew this was a job at most retail stores, but it wasn’t until I saw the guy doing it that I felt bad for him. I especially felt bad because I was with my friend who had just left an item two aisles away from where she got it when we ran into the guy.

It was kind of sad and happy at the same time, because her leaving the item meant he had to find it and figure out where it belonged, but it also gave him something to do. Imagine if he just cruised the aisles each day never to find anything out of place, what a boring job. What makes his job fun is that he’s like a pirate searching for a treasure, but once he finds this treasure he has to go on a new adventure to find it’s true home.

So, maybe that’s not such a crappy job, but I did think of something way worse now…

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A few months ago I went to Dadeland Mall to kill time between work and going to the movies. I don’t remember exactly where I went in the mall to kill time, but that’s not important. The important thing is that once I arrived at the mall I really had to make a pee pee. I walked in through Nordstrom because I thought, Nordstrom should have a clean bathroom, right? WRONG! I was way, way wrong.

When I head into any public restroom (is it a restroom or bathroom? I’ll keep restroom, because there’s no bathtub), I usually head into the handicapped stall. And that’s for one reason — there’s way more room in there. Regular stalls are so small today, you can barely close the door without standing on the toilet (and it’s usually quite a dirty toilet). Also, in my mind, the handicapped stall is used less, because there are less handicapped people than non-handicapped people in the world (although I’m sure most non-handicapped people use this stall when no one else is around — I mean I do it).

In case a handicapped person ever does catch me in their stall I already have my story. I’ll tell them this, “Sorry, I’m Claustrophobic and these other stalls are so small that I freak out in there,” I think it’s believable. And if it’s not believable that’s fine, you can wait a few minutes for me, I’m sure I’ve waited behind you in plenty of lines in my life.

Back to Nordstrom. The first thing I noticed was that the women had a “lounge,” not a “bathroom” or “restroom.” Even though the men still only had a restroom and not a lounge, I still thought I was pretty safe in choosing the cleanest bathroom in the mall (which I said before. Just wanted to make sure you’re still paying attention). Well, don’t ever judge a bathroom by it’s store (as some people say…). I walked into the men’s restroom to find loose turds everywhere. There was one on the toilet seat, which I can kind of understand kind of, but also not really. How does someone make it all the way to the toilet and still not make it a swoosh? That hole is pretty big, even when the seat’s down.

There was also poop on the floor almost by the front door. When I saw this I turned on my detective mode in my brain. This means someone either pulled their pants down as they walked in because they couldn’t hold it in anymore and poop just started coming out, like a frogurt machine, since the moment they entered the restroom. Maybe they thought they were done and started leaving the bathroom but were surprised by one last turd that hadn’t made it’s way out yet.

Either way, who’s the sick person who couldn’t clean up their own poop? And how did this person poop all over the floor and toilet seat of a bathroom and go on with their day? Someone has to clean shit that up, literally. Apparently, in Nordstrom it’s someone very lazy, because it hadn’t been picked up yet. Or maybe the person walked in right before me, saw what I saw and quit right on the spot, never telling a soul.

I didn’t even make my pee pee in Nordstrom. I just left in search of a new bathroom. Dadeland has a new wing, so I decided to make my way over there. New wing = new, clean bathrooms, right? Maybe not so right. I practically speed walked over to the bathroom, because I could barely hold my pee pee anymore.

I finally made it to the bathroom and some stupid foreigner was standing in the entrance, playing on his phone. MOVE YOUR SHIT! Is what I yelled in my head, but I just kind of knocked him out of the way with my shoulder, instead. What I found in this bathroom was not as gross, but very confusing. I walked into the first stall I found, because the pee pee was about to come out.

As I finally began peeing, I noticed a mountain of toilet paper on the ground to the left of the toilet. It was almost two feet high, but created out of clean toilet paper (which is much better than dirty toilet paper). Detective mode back on! Did someone come in with a baby, but no stroller, so they created this makeshift baby changing station out of soft-sandpapery, public restroom toilet paper? Or was a stupid kid in here who just wanted to unroll all the TP, but had nowhere to put it? Either way whatever had happened in there was much better than the Nordstrom situation, but I still find myself thinking about it now and this happened months ago.

So, I guess what I’m trying to say is, if you’re a Public Bathroom Terrorist and you’re reading this, clean your shit up! But if you are a Public Bathroom Terrorist, then you are probably not reading this, because if you don’t know how to poop into a toilet, or clean up after yourself in a bathroom then you probably can’t read either.

Have a happy day and don’t forget to clean up after yourselves…