Santa Claus: ThrowBack Learning (#TBL)

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In honor of ThrowBackThursday (#tbt), I give you a ThrowBack Learning, #TBL (yes that’s a thing, and if it isn’t, then it is now). I did not actually find a document written by me, from middle school, about learning that Santa doesn’t exist (if you’re a child or an idiot that still thinks Santa is real, he is. Also, stop reading this NOW!). This is more of a what I think I was feeling at the time.

The year was, nineteen ninety-something and it was the winter (in Miami, so think of summer, but later in the year). I was one of the last of my friends who still believed that Santa was real. I would argue with people and prove to them that Santa was real, “If he’s not real, where do the presents come from?” “Who drinks and eats the milk and cookies?” “Who’s pooping in the front yard?” (reindeer!).

My sister thought it was time to ruin my childhood, and Christmas for me. I got home one day and she told me Santa isn’t real, but I didn’t believe her. Then she told me to check my parent’s closet, and that’s where I found it. A bunch of presents that all said TO: (one of us), FROM: Santa (NOOOOOOO!).

Maybe he just doesn’t have time to deliver all these gifts? Maybe he brought them early? Maybe he has his own plans with Mrs. Claus on Christmas this year? Maybe he sent them via UPS or FedEx? Maybe he’s just not real?

After learning this terrible news, I started going into my parent’s closet every year and shaking my gifts to see if I could guess what was inside. After a while I began buying my own gifts and telling my mom to wrap them and put them under the tree.

Christmas is much better when you’re a kid and you believe Santa is bringing the presents, and his elves are making them. You don’t feel bad asking for a bunch of stuff when you think it’s being made by pointy-eared midgets (instead of thinking of your parents running around town at night while you’re sleeping fighting other parents to get everything on your never ending wish list).

Christmas is still the “most wonderful time of the year,” though (Unless you’re Jewish, then watch the video below).

I am a Mutant

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Lil’ Wayne says he’s a Martian, but I think he is actually a black robot. This week I learned that I am a Mutant, actually we all may be mutants (even Lil’ Wayne). I know for sure that I have Wolverine’s power and I’m pretty sure other people do too (healing power, not the stabbing people with your bones/metal skeleton).

The other day I burnt my finger taking some cornbread out of the oven. I had a burn mark for a few days, until my skin fell off and then I had an open wound. I covered it up with a band-aid for a few days, and now it is closed with a small scar, but I’m sure the scar will be gone soon.

I’m not sure if I can come back from a bullet to the head like Wolverine, and I don’t think I am willing to find out. Even if I do possess that power, I know it is still painful to get shot.

Think of how many times you have cut yourself. I’m sure some of the bad ones have left scars, but for the most part your skin went back to normal. Now, I am no scientist (What’s up, Scientist!), so I believe that there is no reasonable explanation for our bodies self healing factor, and that we are mutants (also, it’s way cooler to think that I’m a mutant).

Maybe this has to do with all the comic books I’ve been reading since I went to Super Con with my buddy, Worms. Maybe it’s all this nerd/geek stuff I’ve been doing lately. I hope I am able to discover some other mutant powers soon (Maybe one that’s more Bad Ass). If I do “learn” of some new powers I will definitely talk about them here.

Till then, stay clean and stay cool my humans (or mutants?).

Ceelo’s Pajamas

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This week I learned that I want to be just like Ceelo (Green) when I grow up. No, I don’t want to be a judge on the voice, or make songs like “Forget You,” or be a part of the Dungeon Family. I want to be able to go out in public in my pajamas and have society be OK with it. 

This morning Ceelo was on the Today show with K. Lee and Hodi. He was there in his Pajamas. I guess the Today show is one place anyone can wear their pajamas, since it is a morning time show, but I bet if Ceelo was on a Late Night Talk Show, he still would have worn his pajamas. 

I would love to see Ceelo’s closet (I’m pretty sure I can if I search the MTV Cribs archives). I want to see if he has anything other than pajamas. If Ceelo was showing us his closet it would probably go something like this “Hey y’all, what’s up? I’m Ceelo Green. Here is my extravagant collection of pajamas. This section is my sleeping pajamas, here are my going out pajamas, these are my work pajamas, these are my recording studio pajamas, and these are my work out pajamas.” That is all he would have, Pajamas. I guess he would also have a sweet collection of slippers (You can’t wear your Jordan’s with your pajamas!).

So, basically all I want to do is be able to hang around in my pajamas all day. My pajamas are my boxers, so I guess that will never be acceptable in society. I would be satisfied with making it Sweatpants Sunday everyday, as long as it is the wintertime.

WWJD? (What Would Justin Do?)

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This week I learned that Justin Timberlake is the coolest Motha(Shut yo Mouth!) on the planet Earth (and it makes me sad that I will never be as cool as him). I learned this when I watched the VMAs on Monday (Yes, the VMAs took place on Sunday, but I had better stuff to do, so I recorded it and watched Monday night).

I did see the Miley Cyrus/Robin Thicke Performance that everyone was ranting about this week, but I’m not going to talk about that. All I have to say is that I’m pretty sure Alan Thicke and Billy Rae Cyrus will get together this week (if they haven’t already), to talk about how to punish their children for their actions against the American people.

Back to JT. I saw JT’s performance and that was the only good thing that happened during the VMAs (other than Vanessa Bayer introducing Miley Cyrus, as Miley Cyrus).

Everyone was going crazy about the N’SYNC reunion, which wasn’t even a minute long, but it was pretty cool. The rest of JT’s performance around the whole Barclays Center is what made me realize how cool JT really is.

I always liked JT as a person, but I never really cared much for his music (until now). When I saw his performance at the VMAs I was mad that I didn’t go see him and the Jigga man at Dolphin Stadium a few weeks ago.

Although I will never be as cool as JT, that doesn’t mean I can’t try. From now on my new life philosophy will be WWJD (What Would Justin Do). Anytime I am going to do anything, I will think “WhatWouldJustinDo?” and I will do that instead.

I also learned (along with the rest of the world) that the lady who sings on “Same Love” with Macklemore is actually a white lady.

Racism on Elysium

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About two weeks ago I saw Elysium and it was awesome. However, I forgot to tell y’all what I learned. Watching Elysium, I learned that it was a racist movie, or a racist planet or space station or whatever you want to call it.

Sure the movie was full of action, sweet special effects and Matt Damon, but it was still kind of racist. How was it racist you ask? Well, let me tell you. Everyone who lived on Elysium was white (and had money), while all the Mexicans (and other South Americans, but mainly Mexicans because I believe the Earth part of the movie took place in East LA) were stuck here on Earth.

I still would recommend seeing this movie. Especially if you like watching people blow up in movies (because that happens quite a lot). I guess sometimes racism isn’t really a bad thing, because this movie (although a bit racist) still was very entertaining to see.

There was one thing I hated about this movie, and it wasn’t the racist-ness. Jodie Foster was the worst human ever. Not her character, but her, because of her bad acting. Usually Jodie Foster is pretty good in movies, but she tried to put on this French/English/Elysium accent which wasn’t working. Just talk in your normal voice Jodie and everything will be alright.

I still think you should watch this movie, if you haven’t already. Jodie Foster isn’t in the movie enough to ruin the whole movie, just the scenes she is in, where she talks. For the record, I would never go live on Elysium, I would totally stay on Earth.

The Death of SC’n’A

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This week I learned about the extinction of a group of Super Cool ‘n’ Awesome people, the SC’n’A (Super Cool ‘n’ Awesome) group.
In this sad time I do have some good news. The Ferding’s Learnings page will Rize (like the Fenix) from the ashes of the SC’n’A group (because knowledge is power).
I was sad to learn SC’n’A would be no more, but I was talking to Master Wallace (the creator/bossman of SC’n’A) and he told me “ain’t nobody got time fo dat!” (Nobody but me at least…)
Learning is very important (as Chris Ashton Kutcher told us this past weekend at the Kids Choice Awards). Being sexy is all about being smart, and learning is how we become smart. Therefore, I am going to continue writing down what I learn each week and share it with you, to help all of you stay or become sexy (if anyone is even reading this stuff).
So, I hope you’re all ready to learn some new stuff with me on this journey we call LIFE.
Till next week, stay clean, stay cool, stay in school (unless you graduated already, then you are free to do what you want).

C+J Learning

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crying movie

Last night I watched the movie Celeste & Jesse Forever, starring Andy Samberg and Rashida Jones. Last night I learned that this is the saddest movie I have ever seen. I really liked the movie, even though it made me depressed even after the movie had ended (for a few days).

Although I was sad most of the time while watching, there are still parts where you LOLimp (“Laugh Out Loud in my pants,” everything is better when you add “in my pants” to it).

Several people had told me this movie was really sad before I watched it, but I decided to watch it anyways because I love Andy Samberg and Rashida Jones.

I am writing this now after watching the movie Thursday night. Friday night I was telling a friend about the movie and just thinking about it made me a little sad, I just thought ‘why’d it have to be like that?’

I guess what I’m saying is you should watch Celeste & Jesse Forever, but be prepared to cry. Even when the movie is over be prepared to continue crying, and have something funny or happy ready to watch right after. Get ready to cry more than when you saw the Notebook for the first time.

Fake Learning

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ferdings learnings

This week I learned nothing, because I am on vacation and my brain is turned off. I have been reading a lot though on the beach. So I guess I learned a little. I read a book about a Steven Callahan, who was lost at sea for 76 days (the book is called ADRIFT). I learned some ocean survival tactics and also that I would probably die out there after a few days. All the dude had to eat was fish, and guess what, I don’t like fish.

I finished that book in 4 days (all 237 pages). That was a new record for me (previous record: hunger games in 8 days).

Since I finished reading that I started reading ?uestlove’s (drummer from the roots) book. So far it’s a good story about his life and the music that got him to where he is now. Now I have a lot of new, old music to listen to.

Lastly, I found out that my homeboy, JFalz just had his first baby, Winnie Fallon. I can’t wait to one day meet this baby.

So I guess I did learn some stuff this week. Even with my brain set on off.

Perm Week

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This week I learned that it was Perm Week on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. If you don’t know this already, I am a huge fan of James Tiberius Fallon and everybody at the LNJF show. Jimmy Fallon is the reason I know what Perms are. It was a few years ago when Perm week started that I realized “Oh, that’s what a Perm is!”

Perms are awesome, and we should bring them back. However, the Perm is not the all star of Perm week. The all star is the Perm Week song, sung by the great Tuba Gooding Jr. (of the Roots).

Now, I feel like I should have Permed my hair before cutting it (is that how you say it? Permed my hair?) Getting a perm would have been totally awesome. People tell me they like my new haircut, but I’m sure if I had a perm even strangers would compliment my sweet hairdo*.

*side learning: I just learned that hairdo is one word, using google. I was guessing it was either hair due or hair do, but I never thought it would be one word. That’s crazy. I guess I have never had to write that before.

This video is of the final perm of the week. Watch it to hear the official Perm Week song, but keep watching. I think Day 5 was the best Perm of the week (and so did JFalz).

http://www.latenightwithjimmyfallon.com/video/perm-week-2013-scott-dyke/n39151

Also check this out, the highlight of this week on LNJF. Jesse and the Rippers Reunite… What???

I hope you enjoyed Perm Week. You should probably look up the other Perm Week videos. Even the ones from last year. Enjoy your weekend, or whatever.

P.S. Google Rocks, Bing does not..

The Lost Learnings

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I call these “the lost learnings” because they are the things I have learned lately, but forgot to tell you about. Some of them I didn’t feel were important. Some were kind of stupid. Others I just forgot that I learned and have now been reminded of them (when I searched through my iPhone and iPad). So here comes a rapid fire short list of recent learnings:

–Fixies: I saw the movie Premium Rush recently, starring JGL (Joseph Gordon Levitt). In this movie he rides a fixie bike, with NO BRAKES! Some people say, “That’s stupid,” others say, “That’s Bad Ass!” I started off thinking it was Bad Ass, I did my research (online) to learn all about fixies, I was about to buy one, but I wasn’t ready (NO $$$). The other night I saw a good friend of mine from high school. I asked him about his bike, which looked like a fixie. He said “fixies are stupid” and he explained to me why. So, now I don’t think I want a fixie anymore (maybe a single speed or a roadie?)

–Florida SuperCON: This last weekend I went to Florida SuperCon, which is just a mini version of Comic Con that takes place in Miami (Comic Con is where nerds go to learn about nerd things). What I learned here is that there is now such thing as “sexy lady nerds.” I was expecting everyone there to be fat and smelly (well about 72% of the people there were fat and smelly). Of the 28% of people who weren’t fat and smelly, most of them were dressed as comic book people, movie characters or something I didn’t know about. Some were dressed in slutty halloween costumes (the nerd versions). It was really weird and awesome all at the same time. I can’t wait to one day go to a real San Diego Comic Con!

–Dogs Drinking: If you are ready to have your mind explode (from science) watch the video above. I was watching Time Warp videos one day at Razorfish (Time Warp is an awesome show from Discovery channel that shows you everything with slow motion cameras), and Sweet D told me to check this one out. How many of you thought that dogs drink water by making their tongue go up? WRONG! (Everyone thinks that, unless you seen this video, or are scientists). After seeing this video, not only was I amazed, but it made so much more sense. Have you ever tried to drink water like a dog, but the wrong way? Now try it like this (Tongue down) and see what happens.

–Doorwomen: In my building in New York we had a doorman, we actually had about 6 different doormen. Once you’re building has a doorman, or doormen you start to notice other buildings with doormen. One thing that I never saw in New York, a door woman.