Category Archives: Ferdings Learnings

Culinary Critics

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There are some rumors going around insinuating that chefs are crazy. If you watch Kitchen Nightmares or Hell’s Kitchen or any Gordon Ramsay show, you may agree (I do not watch those shows, so I hope he’s on at least one of them). You might believe in a world where all chefs have exploding personalities and you should just leave them alone. I don’t think this is true and I’ll tell you why.

Last week, I began watching Chef’s Table on Netflix and I’m now on the 6th or 7th episode. If you aren’t watching this show yet, you need to start now. Take a break from OITNB and watch some Chef’s Table, then get back to OITNB if you really need to. I like that each episode of Chef’s Table keeps you jumping around the world following one master chef at a time (not to be confused with the Master Chief). Also, each episode is completely different from the last because each chef has a different story, personality and culinary style.

If you want to know who the real crazies are, it’s definitely not the chefs. Of the 6 or 7 chefs I’ve seen so far, only one was a little crazy. He wasn’t exactly crazy though, he was just an Argentinian hippie. Another one was a bit angry, but he did say he needed to work on that. So, at least he acknowledged his faults.

The real crazy people are the food critics who make a living talking about these chefs. Who are these hipster food scientists, dissecting each meal to write a column about it? And what gives them the authority to say what food is better than the rest?

I’m asking because I would like to have this job. Just eat food and talk about it, all day. I’d also get to create my own strange wardrobe by taking stuff from Urban Outfitters and thrift stores into a secret lair, then sewing them together and create a hybrid clothing line specifically for myself. According to the food critics I’ve seen so far, If you’re all about writing about food, you also have to be all about fashion, but not other people’s fashion. You must create your own weird costumes, that only you can pull off.

Maybe the food critics create these outrageous outfits in order to stand out when they come into restaurants. They want the chef to know who they are. I’m a critic, give me the good food! These aren’t this new breed of yelp reviewers, Chef’s Table doesn’t believe in yelp (and neither do I!). These critics probably attended culinary school, but not to learn how to make wild dishes. They wanted to be able to write about other people’s wild dishes.

Of all the food critics I’ve seen in 6 or 7 episodes, I think only one of them looked like an everyday human. The rest look like they belong at Mos Eisley’s Cantina. They aren’t weird-shaped or goofy-faced, it’s mostly just their clothes that makes them seem different. “And people always scared of what’s different,” someone said that in Remember the Titans (and probably some other movies too).

Since I’ve only seen 6 or 7 episodes, that’s all I’ve learned so far. Also, just from watching Chef’s Table my culinary skills may be improving. Last week I bought some sashimi tuna at the Fresh Market and I made a super gourmet, culinary chef experience out of it. I even had a beautiful presentation worthy of a Kaiseki dining experience. (Episode 4: Niki Nakayama – n/naka)
Watch Chef’s Table and learn some stuff…

HORRIBLE JOB(S)

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Earlier this year, I learned that someone’s actual job at Target is to collect the items that crappy customers leave out of place, returning them to their actual spot. I guess I always knew this was a job at most retail stores, but it wasn’t until I saw the guy doing it that I felt bad for him. I especially felt bad because I was with my friend who had just left an item two aisles away from where she got it when we ran into the guy.

It was kind of sad and happy at the same time, because her leaving the item meant he had to find it and figure out where it belonged, but it also gave him something to do. Imagine if he just cruised the aisles each day never to find anything out of place, what a boring job. What makes his job fun is that he’s like a pirate searching for a treasure, but once he finds this treasure he has to go on a new adventure to find it’s true home.

So, maybe that’s not such a crappy job, but I did think of something way worse now…

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A few months ago I went to Dadeland Mall to kill time between work and going to the movies. I don’t remember exactly where I went in the mall to kill time, but that’s not important. The important thing is that once I arrived at the mall I really had to make a pee pee. I walked in through Nordstrom because I thought, Nordstrom should have a clean bathroom, right? WRONG! I was way, way wrong.

When I head into any public restroom (is it a restroom or bathroom? I’ll keep restroom, because there’s no bathtub), I usually head into the handicapped stall. And that’s for one reason — there’s way more room in there. Regular stalls are so small today, you can barely close the door without standing on the toilet (and it’s usually quite a dirty toilet). Also, in my mind, the handicapped stall is used less, because there are less handicapped people than non-handicapped people in the world (although I’m sure most non-handicapped people use this stall when no one else is around — I mean I do it).

In case a handicapped person ever does catch me in their stall I already have my story. I’ll tell them this, “Sorry, I’m Claustrophobic and these other stalls are so small that I freak out in there,” I think it’s believable. And if it’s not believable that’s fine, you can wait a few minutes for me, I’m sure I’ve waited behind you in plenty of lines in my life.

Back to Nordstrom. The first thing I noticed was that the women had a “lounge,” not a “bathroom” or “restroom.” Even though the men still only had a restroom and not a lounge, I still thought I was pretty safe in choosing the cleanest bathroom in the mall (which I said before. Just wanted to make sure you’re still paying attention). Well, don’t ever judge a bathroom by it’s store (as some people say…). I walked into the men’s restroom to find loose turds everywhere. There was one on the toilet seat, which I can kind of understand kind of, but also not really. How does someone make it all the way to the toilet and still not make it a swoosh? That hole is pretty big, even when the seat’s down.

There was also poop on the floor almost by the front door. When I saw this I turned on my detective mode in my brain. This means someone either pulled their pants down as they walked in because they couldn’t hold it in anymore and poop just started coming out, like a frogurt machine, since the moment they entered the restroom. Maybe they thought they were done and started leaving the bathroom but were surprised by one last turd that hadn’t made it’s way out yet.

Either way, who’s the sick person who couldn’t clean up their own poop? And how did this person poop all over the floor and toilet seat of a bathroom and go on with their day? Someone has to clean shit that up, literally. Apparently, in Nordstrom it’s someone very lazy, because it hadn’t been picked up yet. Or maybe the person walked in right before me, saw what I saw and quit right on the spot, never telling a soul.

I didn’t even make my pee pee in Nordstrom. I just left in search of a new bathroom. Dadeland has a new wing, so I decided to make my way over there. New wing = new, clean bathrooms, right? Maybe not so right. I practically speed walked over to the bathroom, because I could barely hold my pee pee anymore.

I finally made it to the bathroom and some stupid foreigner was standing in the entrance, playing on his phone. MOVE YOUR SHIT! Is what I yelled in my head, but I just kind of knocked him out of the way with my shoulder, instead. What I found in this bathroom was not as gross, but very confusing. I walked into the first stall I found, because the pee pee was about to come out.

As I finally began peeing, I noticed a mountain of toilet paper on the ground to the left of the toilet. It was almost two feet high, but created out of clean toilet paper (which is much better than dirty toilet paper). Detective mode back on! Did someone come in with a baby, but no stroller, so they created this makeshift baby changing station out of soft-sandpapery, public restroom toilet paper? Or was a stupid kid in here who just wanted to unroll all the TP, but had nowhere to put it? Either way whatever had happened in there was much better than the Nordstrom situation, but I still find myself thinking about it now and this happened months ago.

So, I guess what I’m trying to say is, if you’re a Public Bathroom Terrorist and you’re reading this, clean your shit up! But if you are a Public Bathroom Terrorist, then you are probably not reading this, because if you don’t know how to poop into a toilet, or clean up after yourself in a bathroom then you probably can’t read either.

Have a happy day and don’t forget to clean up after yourselves…

“Lost Learnings” Coming soon…

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A few weeks ago I found a book. A small note book. On the cover of this book are the words, “The Book.” Where did this book come from? I’ll tell you.

Back in High School, or probably College, I bought this tiny, fat notebook at an Office Depot. I began writing what I thought were going to one day become jokes, but they ended up being mostly joke titles for my future comedy album. Some titles were accompanied by a few meaningless bullet points to “explain” the premise. Reading through most of these I realized either (a) I have no idea what I was talking about anymore, or (b) I never had any idea what I was talking about when I wrote some of these. There are some that make a little sense to me. Others can be workshopped or made better.

Some of these are things I believe, things I’ve talked about to people in the past. Others are things I don’t really care for, but I thought might be funny so I wrote them down anyways. Some are rude and racist, and others are stupid and pointless. But I’m sure about 60% of these can be made into funny posts, somehow.

This notebook was filled out before I ever had an iPhone, because once I got an iPhone “Notes” took over for this book. Luckily, I filled it out completely before the iPhone was ever invented. So, now I have this whole book to go through, and once I’m done maybe I’ll go through my “Notes.” Why would I carry a fat notebook in my pocket all day, when I could just write anything on my iPhone and even send it to the internet for everyone to see instantly. Notebooks get lost, the internet is everywhere!

So, why am I telling you about this notebook? I’m going to start a second type of blog post called “Lost Learnings” which will consist of me reading everything on one page from the book (which will only take about < 1 minute) and trying to decipher some meaning behind what I read.

Ideally, I would like to do these “Lost Learnings” sometime during the beginning of the week and my “Original Learnings” on Fridays, like I’ve been doing.

I guess today’s Learning doesn’t really count as a “Learning,” but rather more of a “Finding,” since I found my lost notebook. (“Ferdi’s Findings” sounds cooler than “Ferdi’s Learnings” right? Oh well, too late. The blog, twitter, facebook page and everything else have already been named…)

So, since I didn’t really teach you anything, here’s my first stand-up special again from a few

years ago, in case you missed it. Look how stupid my hair looks! (Also, just trying to get some more video views).

Thanks, see you next week. Hopefully in the beginning of the week with a “Lost Learning.”

COMMENT ALL YOU WANT… I DARE YOU

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This week I learned that anyone can comment on my FerdingsLearnings WordPress posts, well anyone with a WordPress login, but trust me that pretty much means anyone. There’s no screening process here on WordPress. I have 3 or 4 different WordPress blogs and I don’t even know the login info for two of them. So basically, anyone in the world can comment on these posts.

I actually learned about the commenting thing a while back, like when I started writing these and first received a comment. Something else I figured out at the time was that I have all the power. I am the god of my own WordPress. You can comment all you want, but I have to approve your comment before anyone else can read it.

I usually do approve comments once I see them. They are usually from people I know saying things like, “Keep up the good work man!” “Wow, these are soooo cool and awesome!” and “So True! So True!” among other stuff.

There was one comment that I did not approve when first reading it a few months ago (I actually approved it last week, but there’s a twist. Wait for it!).

Someone had written a very negative comment about a post I made over a year ago about Racism on Elysium.

Side Note: If you go back and read it you may notice that I called out Jodie Foster for bad acting, but I was just being a jerk. She may have been not that good in Elysium, but she has been amazing in everything else I’ve seen her in. So, when re-reading about Racism on Elysium, please disregard my mean comments on Jodie Foster, she is an American Legend and I totally admire, respect and love her.

So I took this guy’s angry comment and finally approved it last week. (See angry comment below)

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The thing is (here comes the twist!), before approving it I found out that I can edit any comment that is written on my page. So, instead of posting the comment as you see it above I edited it to what you see below.

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Now people will read that this person loved my post about Racism on Elysium, instead of reading that I’m a racist jerk, from a guy who calls me a Mexican a bunch of times. I was born in the USA, plus I have never been to Mexico, plus my parents are Cuban.

With so many angry people all over the internet it’s nice to know that we can change that on WordPress just by editing our angry comments or burying them deep within WordPress purgatory, never to be approved.

Now, that you know of all my WordPress power you can write a comment below. Call me racist, or an idiot or a racist idiot. Say whatever you want, and don’t worry, I’ll edit it to say what you really meant.

Was it dumb of me to change the comment, making it positive and then telling everyone about it? Who knows, but it’s funny to me that I can do it. So, as I said above, hit me with your best shot.

Now, I leave you with this, to celebrate the #USMNT win in the #CopaAmerica and also to celebrate the fact that I was Born in the USA!

 

STOP WASTING TIME ON FACEBOOK

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I’m a bit late on this, but I’m glad Facebook added reaction emojis to their repertoire. We’ve moved a long way from only being able to “Like,” “Comment” or “Share.” Now we can “Like” “Love” “Haha” “Wow” “Sad” “Angry” and “Comment” or “Share.” And that’s an extra-large leap forward, but there is still a great deal missing.

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There have been many times in the past (pre-reaction buttons) and lately (post-reaction buttons) where I’ve seen people post or share sad stories on Facebook. It happens every day. Many times these stores are too sad for the “sad” reaction emoji.

We need some “I feel yous,” or maybe a Justin Bieber “I’m sowry,” and even some “that sucks man.” There are so many emojis out there, that Facebook can even add a “Make Your Own Reaction,” where you pick an emoji and write a one word explanation for it. If this was a thing we would definitely see a lot of “poop” on Facebook.

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It’s already awkward when someone posts, “My cat just died…” with a picture of their dead cat (hopefully a before death picture. However, if someone posted a living or dead cat picture you probably wouldn’t be able to tell the difference because cats don’t do anything, ever). You don’t want to make it more awkward by “Liking” that dead cat photo. So, what do you do? “Sad,” “Angry?”

I enjoy giving people “sad” or “angry” reactions to posts that don’t deserve it. This really confuses them and they begin to wonder how they’ve offended me. If I did this to you then you probably didn’t offend me, I was just messing with you (because that’s what the internet is for).

Twitter and Instagram need to step it up with reactions and emojis. Facebook is way ahead of the curve, but still behind in the world as I said earlier. Maybe I’m the one who’s behind in the world, because I’m writing yet another learning about Facebook.

We waste so much time on Facebook, but now I’m wasting extra time, writing an article about wasting time on Facebook, which I will later share on Facebook so you people will read it. Thus, wasting your time while you sit around and read this article not really learning anything. So, I guess it’s all just a big time-wasting circle jerk. But isn’t that what life is? Just finding new ways to waste time? Anyways, get back to work and go be productive.

See you next time.

 

If you found this helpful leave a comment or like it or do something to show me you care.

Thank you.

Cuban Food: It’s Out of this World!

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Being raised by and living with two real Cubans (my parents) for about 80% of my life, I’ve learned that most Cubans aren’t really into trying new food. They most definitely are not fans of anything spicy. And whenever it’s time for a birthday, graduation or a wake it’s always, “Let’s go to Versailles, La Carreta, Sergio’s, Havana Harry’s or any other Cuban restaurant.” Cuban food is magical and was invented to help us all deal with happiness, success and pain.

Another thing I’ve noticed, especially about my dad, is that anytime I do make him try a new place he always gives it the same review, “No es nada del otro mundo” (it’s nothing out of this world or nothing from another planet). I’ve heard this same review from plenty of other old Cubans in my family and some not in my family.

If you’re holding every new meal to that standard, then you’re never going to find something you like. I don’t know what they’re searching for, but whatever it is they probably won’t find it here on Earth. Where do Old Cubans think Cuban food comes from? A secret space station? The Millennium Falcon? Pandora?

Everything we have ever eaten so far has been “from this world.” None of the Old Cubans I know were ever astronauts, so I don’t know what kind of space cakes and moon pies they think they’ll find. I’m sure if we did try the cuisine from Mars or Venus it wouldn’t be very tasty. Did you see how much trouble Matt Damon went through just to grow plants on Mars (in The Martian)? An extraordinary amount of trouble.

I love Cuban food, especially croquetas and vaca frita and tres leches and flan and the bread is simply amazing (with and without butter, toasted and untoasted, it’s always great).

As a young whippersnapper I only ate hot dogs, chicken nuggets and pizza. It wasn’t until I watched Good Burger in the theater that I thought, Hey, I should give hamburgers another try! We went straight to Burger King, where I learned what burgers should taste like (or that’s what I thought at the time). Now, I enjoy trying all types of new cuisine from all over the world. (I’m no Andrew Zimmern or Anthony Bourdain, but I’ll try some stuff at Epcot Food & ‘Lines’ Festival).

Attempting to take my parents to a new place is tough, they just want something familiar. Anything not Cuban “sounds weird” to them. They like sticking to old Cuban restaurants or famous chains that they already trust. I feel this may be common in most Cubans who were born on that island.

Maybe someone (aka the government) was trying to poison everyone on the island, so they only ate at places they already trusted. Now, since coming to Miami, they’ve found their few safe restaurants and will continue dining at those and only those few spots.

Another thing with this older generation is that they were brought up on the crappy food pyramid and they have no idea what’s healthy and what isn’t. You try to explain what’s bad and why it’s bad, but they listen to idiots like Dr. Oz, Wolf Blitzer and GMA instead.

I know what’s healthy and what I should be eating. However, I choose to eat what’s not healthy because I am still kind of young and the healthy food isn’t as delicious. In fact, the healthy food usually tastes like butt and life is too short to waste it eating gross, healthy food (like quinoa and kale). But by eating that healthy, crap food you may have a longer life. But it won’t be much longer, so eat what you want. Just make sure to try new things along the way.


If you liked this Learning you should “Like,” “Comment” and/or “Share” it. That way other people will get to enjoy it too… Like DMX said, “Stop being greedy.”

‘LIKE’ IF YOU READ THESE

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I’ve been writing these things for some time now, and I don’t really know how many people are actually reading them. Facebook tells me that my posts reach anywhere from a few hundred to a thousand people, but that’s just people seeing the post I share, and what I learned from my job in advertising is that only about 1% of those people actually click on what you’re sharing.

I came up with a test. If you actually clicked on the link from Facebook, Twitter or anywhere else and proceeded to read this thing, “Like” the article. This way I can see how many people actually read this. Remember, this is a science experiment, and I don’t think it tells me who likes each post. I won’t know who liked it. I’ll only know that a person liked it, if that makes you sad then you can always write in the comments. Maybe something like, “I liked this.”

That’s all I have for today, it’s Memorial day and I got stuff to do, and by stuff I mean nothing. I got nothing to do. Watch some Netflix, play some games, do some work before tomorrow morning.

A few people have told me they love the Learnings. So, from those “real life reviews” I would say about 4 to 5 people are actually reading all or most of these. That’s pretty cool, but I’m trying to find out if there’s more. If I have a good amount of readers maybe I should start posting more, maybe a learning a week but also something else. I’m trying to change the world here with these learnings, so keep reading.

ANGRY BERNIE AT BEST BUY

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Last Friday, I decided to go to Best Buy after work to check out the Wacom Tablets. After watching my work neighbor/partner, Jose, create an awesome piece of art in no time at all, I thought maybe I should buy one for myself. I owned a tablet for about a week in my time at Miami Ad School, but I returned it to get a GoPro which I haven’t used in a few years.

So, back to Best Buy. I walked into the store knowing I was in a rush. I had to go pick up a cake from Miss Patty Cakes, plus I also had to get home in time for dinner with my family. However, I still thought a quick stop at Best Buy would be fine.

There is no such thing as a “quick stop” at Best Buy for me. I took a quick 10-15 minute detour to check out movies, music and finally video games before finally making my way to the tablet section. I grabbed the Wacom Intuos Draw (the entry-level model) and walked over to the front of the store. I checked the Amazon price on my phone and it was only $0.01 cheaper so I put my phone away — no price matching necessary.

When I arrived at the front of the store I was greeted by a very long line of people. Way too long for a Friday at almost 7pm when I’m in a hurry to get home. I started walking towards the back of the line. I was on the verge of leaving the tablet in a random spot of the store, but I’m not that type of person. Also, I didn’t want to have to wait until next week to get it. I immediately noticed a second register was open with only the one person paying at it. This line was all for one register, or so I thought.

 

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I quickly skipped the long line and went straight for the other register with no line, where a customer was finishing their purchase.

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As I walked over to the non-line, an Old Angry Bernie Sanders-lookin’ Fool from the other line yelled out, “Uh, Excuse me. Don’t you see us all waiting in line?”

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*Side note: I was never going to vote for Bernie Sanders, but after this man yelled at me I will most definitely never support Bernie Sanders and it’s all because he will forever remind me of this guy. Hillary 2016! And if you don’t agree with that then you’re sexist. Also, she is the only candidate who has ever slept in the White House — for 8 years.

She’s been there, done that. She even knows which cupboard they keep the Diet Coke in. If you told Bernie where the the Diet Coke is, he’d probably forget within two hours. His whole presidency would be him trying to find where they keep the Diet Coke, with one of his White House servants constantly reminding him over and over again.

Once again, back to Best Buy. I told “Angry Bernie” that I did see him and the others waiting in a single line for the other register, but this one had no line and was fair game. Next, Angry Bernie tried to explain to me how lines work at Best Buy. I go to Best Buy a lot, like at least once a week, sometimes more. I know how the lines work. I’m a Premier Silver Reward Card Member, Angry Bernie! So, don’t try to tell me how lines work at Best Buy. It’s not a bank, there’s no velvet rope walkway. Each register has it’s own line.

Also, these two registers were on opposite sides of the same checkout counter [see exhibit a], if we would have had an [exhibit b] situation on our hands then I wouldn’t have skipped the line.

 

Whatever Angry Bernie said to me after that I cannot recall. I believe he called me rude at some point. But guess what, those people were Angry Bernie followers, and I’m my own person who chose to form my own line (in the interest of time). I’m not going to stand in his line just because they’re all afraid of Angry Bernie.

Once Angry Bernie paid he left and said nothing to me, which is how it should have been.One more thing happened after he left, though.

As I was paying, the girl who had been behind Angry Bernie had just finished paying. She walked right up to me and said, “I’m sorry about that guy. He was a real dick!” And I said, I know right! This made me feel much better, but I still had to call Elizabeth from the car to talk about this angry old idiot.

I guess the moral of the story is you don’t always have to listen to your elders, because some of them are just crazy, stupid fools. I guess you should just listen to your elder relatives, unless you know for sure that they too are crazy. In that case, don’t listen to anyone but yourself, unless you’re also crazy.

P.S. I made these artsy explanations with the help of my new Wacom Tablet, and I look forward to making more artwork with it and sharing it with you all.

Thanks, see you next week.

THAT NEW KYGO CD

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The time is now 12:10 AM and it’s Thursday. I have to post a new learning in about 9-10 hours and I have nothing. What should I write about? What have I learned this week? Last weekend I began watching the show LOVE on Netflix, created by Paul Rust and Judd Apatow (and maybe someone else). So far, the show is pretty weird, but also funny and I love Paul Rust and Britta from Community (especially because she is a completely different character in this show). I think I’ve watched 6 of 12-13 episodes and I plan to finish it this weekend.

The problem is that while I started watching this show I am still way behind on my other shows, like the New Girl, the Grinder, Modern Family, a bunch of other Netflix shows, I’m still somewhere in season 3 of Friends, and I’m 3 or 4 weeks behind on SNL. And who’s to say I won’t start season 2 of Gracie and Frankie this weekend, instead of finishing LOVE and my other shows.

I don’t have time for TV and exercise and video games and friends (real life, not the show) anymore. I now have time for either [tv] OR [exercise] OR OR [friends]. I have to choose what I want to do each night, because I only have so many free hours.

One thing I have had time for is the new Kygo album. I’ve been waiting for this guy to make a whole album because I really liked his first few singles. As I said on Twitter yesterday: “I never really listen to Robot-Deep-House-Dish Music, but this new Kygo is Chill as Fuuuuuuuuu…” (or something like that). The album dropped (because albums don’t “Come out” or “Get released” anymore, they DROP!) last Friday (also, now music drops on Friday, not Tuesdays like movies, because Best Buy said so). I didn’t know the album existed until Monday. Since Monday, I’ve listened to the album in its entirety at least 10 times, probably more than that.

The whole album has artists I never heard of on each track, but they all have Kygo’s killer beats and funky mixes with the artists singing. The only artist I did know on the album was John Legend, who sings Happy Birthday. Any song named Happy Birthday is going to be a hit, especially when featuring John Legend. Why will it be a hit? Because everyone has a birthday, and birthday’s are happening every day, and people are sick of the original happy birthday song and are always looking for some new version (The Beatles, 50 Cent, Uncle Luke).

For reals though, this album is super chill as Fuuuuuuuu…. And that’s the only way I can describe it. I plan on listening to it much more, maybe even while running. Definitely while grilling.

Just a few months ago I met Kygo, or I thought I was meeting him. It was just a kid wearing a Kygo hat, but I thought Hey, this Kygo guy isn’t that big of a deal yet, maybe this is really him. He did play along and pretend to be the real Kygo when I asked, “Oh, wait, you’re THE KYGO?” So, I will continue to tell people that I met the REAL KYGO.

Also the new M83 album is real dope. I’ve been listening to that one a lot too. Some of the songs may be weird, but overall the whole album is awesome. Ok goodnight, I’m about to play Kygo on my appleTV and go to sleep.

If you heard the new KYGO album, write a comment telling me if you think it’s “Chill as Fuuuuuuuu…” or not, and if you haven’t listened yet, then go listen. What are you waiting for? I’m not trying to tell you how to live your life, but seriously, go listen! Then comment.

*P.S. Please excuse any grammar errors, typos or whatever else is wrong with this. I wrote it when I was tired and even fell asleep somewhere in the middle for a bit with the computer on my chest. 

Stoner Tendencies

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Last night, I went to see Disney’s Zootopia with my BEARica. We walked into the dark theater and it was filled with moms and their horrible children. How do I know these children were horrible? The one behind me kicked my seat a few times and even started to yell and cry.

We were the only two non-parent, “young” adults (I guess I’m now classified as an adult? 30 years old is an adult, right?).

All the mothers’ eyes were staring at the two of us as we entered. I knew they all had the same thought on their minds, look at these silly stoners, coming in here to ruin our family-friendly, movie-experience.

First off, I am not a stoner. I just happen to love animated films. Especially those films created by Disney and/or Pixar (but also those created by Dreamworks and anyone else). Of course, it didn’t help that we walked in with a giant oversized soda, some popcorn, a hot dog, chicken fingers and an order of fries. We had so much food the food concierge gave me a cardboard platter to carry it all.

With the movie taking place during my dinner time (7:30-9:30), you better believe I brought a full meal in there with me. I would have snuck in some candy too, if I had more time before the movie. Movie candy is way too expensive. Movie everything is way too expensive. Only at sporting events, movie theaters, theme parks and Manhattan will people not question paying $12 for a soda.

This isn’t a movie review article, but Zootopia was totes awesome sauce! Just like every other Disney or Disney/Pixar movie ever made.

I guess what I’m saying is that although I am no stoner, I do have a few (or even more than just a few) stoner tendencies. And, I know that anytime I perform any of these stoner-type activities, people are always watching and judging. Do I care? No, not really. But, I can feel their thoughts and that’s enough to make me write about it (plus, I didn’t learn anything else this week).

Here are a few other stoner-ish pastimes I have been known take part in:

[1]
I will go to CVS or 7-11 past midnight just to buy a candy bar. And when I get there I will end up buying 2 to 3 candy bars when I notice that it’s buy two, get one FREE. I also will go to CVS at midnight or the next day after any “big candy” holiday. You have your Day after Valentine’s Day sale, your Easter Monday sale, your All Saints Day sale, and of course the big After-Christmas Clearance! My freshman year of college I had no car in Tallahassee and my birthday was Easter Monday, so as a birthday gift I made a friend drive me to CVS for cheap Easter candy.

[2]
I may also end up at Winn-Dixie 10 minutes before they close to buy ice cream making ingredients. To a stranger, it may look as if I’m going to throw a bunch of candy and sweet things in a blender with milk and heavy cream and drink away my sorrows. I mainly go to Winn-Dixie right around closing time to avoid the unwanted conversations with people I don’t want to run into.

[3]
I may end up at a FroGurt store, filling my bucket to the point where the scale can’t even read it. And I may be there with a friend. Also, we may be giggling like idiots at something stupid. But, trust me, we are not on drugs, we’re just hungry for some delicious sweetness.

We used to go to Cold Stone, but now it cost more than a normal meal. So, let me get this straight Cold Stone? You expect me to pay the same amount of cash as I just paid for a burger, fries and a beer? No thank you. I’m headed to FroGurtland or Gelatotown instead.

 

So, if you see me out and suspect me of being high on drugs, just remember, I’m not on drugs. I’m just fat, and love sweets and animated films, but I also love live-action films and regular food too.

So deal with it.

 

[Also, you should share this with people, so they can learn it’s ok to enjoy sweets and things without being on drugs.]