Tag Archives: Ferdi

NOT A FAN…

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This isn’t something I recently learned, it’s something I’ve always known (maybe not always, maybe just since I finally visited one). I’m not a fan of strip clubs, and there are a few reasons why.

You may think one reason is because I believe in Women’s Rights. That’s not true. Yes, I do believe in Women’s Rights, and that’s why I think that any woman can choose whatever job she wants. Even if she wants to be a stripper. Hey it’s your body, do what you want with it. If one of my dude friends told me he wanted to be a man stripper, I’d say go ahead. Go get your man stripping on. Just don’t invite me to your job!

The main reason I don’t like visiting strip clubs is because I don’t want to find out what kind of people some of my friends really are. I like to think that I choose “good” people as friends, with a few exceptions (you know who you are…). At strip clubs, dudes let out their real feelings about the world, women and nasty buffets (if you go to a strip club for the food, you are definitely a bad person and no one should be friends with you).

People will show their true “Donald Trump” side at a strip club. Saying horrible things about these sweet ladies who are taking off their clothes just for your entertainment. Most guys just become construction workers at a strip club. They yell out all kinds of things to these strippers that they would never say to any girl on the street (unless there happened to be outdoor strip clubs).

I don’t want to know if one of my friends is that creepy guy who stands right in front of the stage with one dollar in his hand, waiting as the stripper goes from guy to guy, collecting their dirty money with her mouth. These guys just continue standing there, like “Oh, I’m next! So exciting!” Forget about sloppy seconds, you’re in the sloppy 1000s, buddy.

I try to give everyone I meet a chance to show me they’re an OK person before I decide they suck. This is not true while driving, because everyone on the road sucks at life (and at driving). But if I meet someone in a strip club, that’s already weird. You don’t go to strip clubs to meet people, unless we’re discussing some type of law breaking activities while we’re there. I’m definitely going to decide that person is a crappy person just from that one encounter.

I could just go alone to the strip clubs I guess, but that would be super creepy. Also, what if I run into someone I know at the strip club? Someone who I probably don’t like, because “Nice” people don’t hang out at strip clubs on a Tuesday.

Now that person thinks I’m a dirtbag too and I already think the same about them. Plus, I have to go talk to them now, “I know it’s a Tuesday and I’m hanging out at this strip club, but I just want to let you know I’m not like a strip club regular.” and they’ll have to answer with the same thing, “Oh yeah, totally. Me either, just waiting for someone to meet me here, then we’re going to the Olive Garden.”

I also don’t feel very safe in a strip club. Anytime I’ve ever entered a strip club in a GTA (Grand Theft Auto) game the sh*t always goes down! Someone gets shot, people are killed and horrible things happen. Every time. It’s just not a safe place to be. Maybe I should blame video games and movies. Most strip club scenes in movies don’t end very happy either.

I love the women and support their rights, and also any career choices they make. But that doesn’t mean I have to go to a strip club to show my support. So, if I don’t go to a strip club with you there’s nothing wrong with me. There’s probably something wrong with you.

Ferdi’s Ice Cream History

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Last week I announced to the world that I am going to start making Ice Cream for everyone… [for Money]. So, now I have to come up with a whole business plan and all that jazz. I didn’t think people were going to be so excited, but they were. Now I kind of wish I had more hands so I could make more ice cream for more people (having more hands wouldn’t really help at all. What I really need is more Freezer bowls, or maybe an industrial ice cream machine. That would be pretty sweet).

How did I get into this whole Ice cream thing? I’ll tell you:

A few years ago I was given an ice cream machine (by Buttnessa*), so I could make ice cream for her. And I did. We made a Mascarpone Chocolate Chip Ice Cream (a la Giada) that was delicious. And I’ve made it a few more times since. After making that ice cream I used the machine a few more times and then it just sat there for a while.

I found a Ben & Jerry’s recipe book for only $5 with very simple recipes. That’s when I began experimenting with more ice cream creations. This book told me to just quickly mix my ingredients together and throw them in the ice cream machine and see what happens.

Later, I came across a new ice cream recipe book from Bi-Rite Creamery in San Francisco. I’ve never been there, but I hope to one day go visit them (and let them know that they either changed my life and maybe some others). This book taught me about “cooking” the cream before freezing it (like some Walter White Blue Magic chemistry experiment ice cream). This was a much longer process, but with much creamier and much more delectable results.

I made a few recipes from the book and created some of my own, starting with their bases and adding whatever I felt like throwing in there.

This Christmas I decided to make ice cream for my friends, because that’s cheaper than buying everyone gifts and I had no money. It was during Christmas that I developed my own ice cream base recipe (which I will not share with anyone). Everyone loved their ice cream, and some of them told me their friends were over and tried some and said they would pay money for it. (I even made an ice cream birthday cake for my best friend, sIsI*).

It was through all this ice cream making that I came up with the idea to sell my ice cream to strangers and friends (for money).

So, starting some time in May, I will make the announcement of how to place your orders, what the name of my ice cream will be, what you can order and all that other good stuff. So, be prepared world (or people in Miami, because I can’t ship ice cream across the world, YET… but dry ice does exist, so keep your fingers crossed non-Miami friends) because my ice cream is coming for you!
*The real names and identities of individuals named in this learning have been changed to protect those individuals.

BIRTHDAYS ARE WEIRD, RIGHT?

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This past Monday was my 30th birthday and if you didn’t say “Happy Birthday” by now, you’re already too late. I don’t care. Birthday’s are weird, right? Especially since the creation of the Facebook. I think Mark Zuckerberg created Facebook so he could have a database of all his friends’ birthdays. That’s not true. Mark Zuckerberg created Facebook because he had no friends and thought it would help, or was it because of his ex-girlfriend, Rooney Mara? It doesn’t matter why he did it, what matters is that he ruined birthdays.

Remember a time before Facebook? I’m talking pre-2004. When people had to remember their friends’ birthdays in their brain, or on a calendar. You would have to call your closest friends at 12:01 on their birthday, which later became a text anytime between 12:01 and 12:15. When you remembered someone’s birthday it was sweet, it could’ve even been enough to get someone to like you (not Facebook ‘Like,’ but like a real-life LIKE).

Then Facebook came along and ruined it. Now we’re bombarded daily with everyone’s birthdays and there’s no excuse to forget it. Also, you have to make a choice:

It’s Stacy’s birthday today! Hm, is Stacy a phone call friend? A text message friend? A Facebook post friend? A Facebook message friend? Do I give her a Facebook post and a text message? Do I call her at midnight, but then write on her wall tomorrow? What should I write on her wall? Just Happy Birthday? Happy Bday? Maybe just HBD, but that sounds like some weird kind of disease. Definitely not HBD. How about something more personal? Should I write a joke about that one time we kissed on the mouth? Should I make her an Instagram collage? Maybe a special tweet?

Facebook has now opened a can of birthday worms, and this can is opened daily. Some days there are like 10 birthdays, and I’m forced to choose my top 2 to 4 of them and write those people a message.

[TANGENT ALERT!] Do you know someone who gets really, really excited anytime they find out they share their birthday with someone else? Hey idiot! There are about 7.125 billion people in the world, but there’s only 365 days in each year, I think you’re going to share your birthday with a few people. Like million of them. (Also, I get excited about this too, unless it’s a shitty person).

When you think about it, birthdays shouldn’t really be that special. You didn’t do anything to be born. Birthdays are like buttholes, because everyone has one. Even Hitler had a birthday, and a butthole. So, that’s two things you now have in common with Hitler.

If anything we should give our parents gifts on our birthday, like the way Jesus does it. He sends his buddy, Scott Calvin a.k.a. Santa Claus to hand out gifts to everyone (as long as you’re a Cathy). I’m pretty sure this is how Santa got his job:

Hey Jesus! What you gonna do for your birthday?

Uh… I’m gonna give everyone presents!

Everyone?

Yup! Everyone! Well, everyone who believes in me.

Well, you better get started. You got a lot of followers.

I’m not gonna do it myself.

What? Who’s gonna give out presents for your birthday to other people?

Shoot! I’ll have that old dude that lives up North do it.

He’s got those magical deer.

You mean Old Saint Nick!

Yeah, him! What else is he gonna do on my birthday?

We don’t have to give presents to everyone for our birthday, just to our parents (but maybe not, because parents each have their own special day).

Even though birthday’s aren’t really that special I will continue to celebrate yours, mine and ours. And I will continue to post on your walls, text you, call you, Instagram collage you, and whatever new technology comes out. I’ll even WUPHF.com you if I have to. So, happy birthday to me and to everyone else this year.

THE END!

TOO MANY TV SHOWS!

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This week I came to a very important realization:

There are way too many TV shows and movies and I’ll never have enough time to watch all the good ones.

With all of these internet streaming services creating their own content, plus all the regular and premium channels — how are we supposed to watch all the good shows? You just can’t. There was a time — just a few months ago — where I would record and watch every episode of The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon. It started back with Late Night (way before I was a guest on the show). At some point I was watching every Late Night with Jimmy Fallon and every Conan. Sorry Coco, but I had to drop you a while back (I watch Conan clips on YouTube from time to time, like anytime there’s a Clueless Gamer. YouTube even has it’s own original movies and series now!). Now my DVR is filling up and I had to start screening guests on The Tonight Show. I even speed watch just to see the interviews. I skip monologues, pros and cons, even thank you notes.

I have a full season of Agents of Shield, the current season of Always Sunny and way more shows piling up on my DVR. Why is this happening? Every night I get in my bed and use my AppleTV instead to watch Netflix shows, Comedy Central Specials and everything else on there. And it’s not just the new original Netflix shows. As you already know (if you read my learning two weeks ago), I went back and started Friends (I finished season 1 last week. Only 216 episodes left). I started The X-Files, but have only seen about three or four episodes (22 minutes of Friends is way easier than 45 minutes of The X-Files).

Netflix has also brought back some of my favorites. They brought back Arrested Development, Wet Hot American Summer (as a series) and now Full(er) House! Netflix knows what they’re doing. Hulu tried to bring back The Mindy Project, but I’m not going to pay for Hulu just to see Mindy Lahiri and Doctor Castellano together (I don’t like them together, maybe because they were too mean to each other before. I don’t know what it is, but it makes me sick). I do miss Morgan and Dr. Peter though, and the British dude.

NBC even started a new streaming service, SeeSo, which has a lot of shows I want to watch but I don’t want to pay for. If I have cable why do I have to pay for more content from NBC? What the shit, Jack Donaghy, just let me watch what I want to watch.

I wish Netflix would bring back Pete and Pete. I never really understood that show, but I did love it. I’m sure if I saw it now I would either think it was great for reasons I was too young to understand back then, or I would think What the hell was wrong with me and everybody else who loved this show? (I still kind of want a Petunia tattoo though. How many Petunia tattoos do you think are out there?).

The best way to get a bit of all the good shows is to watch as many as you can and talk to friends about your shows and their shows. Of course, this is what always happens when comparing shows with friends: 

FRIEND A
I’m watching Breaking Bad. You gotta watch it!


FRIEND B
No man, Walking Dead is where it’s at.


FRIEND A


Dude, Walter White is a G! He invented Blue Meth.




FRIEND B


Please, Rick Grimes is a supercop, who kills zombies and calls his son Coral.




FRIEND A


Sounds stupid.




FRIEND B


Walter White sounds like a tool.


 


Instead of fighting about which show is better, we can exchange summaries with each other and it’s like watching all the shows.


The secret to true happiness is just to tell yourself this one thing:

I will never watch every TV show, and I’m OK with that. 

					

		
		
	


				
					
	

		

						
New Shorts! (kind of…)

			
						

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Last week I learned that my blue shorts I got a while ago that didn’t fit me at the time, finally fit me, so I wore them out. These shorts helped me realize that I have a lot of clothes that doesn’t fit me, yet. Mostly stuff that is too small for my large man body.


I started thinking why do I have all this clothes that doesn’t fit me? and I thought of a few reasons. The main reason is that I am usually too lazy to return things, so when I buy or receive clothes (as a gift) that doesn’t quite fit me, but almost does, I just keep it. I think, this will soon fit me.


When I do this it gives me a new goal in life, to fit into this clothes. It’s never really one of my main goals, it’s usually more of a long-term goal. It’s more like this will fit me, when it fits me. I’m not rushing into these new clothes, I still have a ton of old clothes that fits me right now. I’m preparing for the future, when I finally lose some weight.


Imagine losing a bunch of pounds (lbs), and one day you wake up and nothing fits you. All your shorts and pants just slide right off when you try them on. How are you supposed to go shopping for new pants, with no pants? My plan is when I start to fit into my smaller clothes that doesn’t fit right now (long-term goal clothes) I will go out in that clothes to buy smaller clothes, that will fit me later when I need to go shopping for even smaller clothes.


Whenever I wear this clothes for the first time, people ask if my shorts are new. I have to tell them, “No, they’re old, but I haven’t been able to fit into them until now. They have been sitting in my closet waiting for this wonderful day, where they get to go out and see the world.”


I think girls do this kind of thing on purpose, they buy clothes that doesn’t fit them in order to lose weight. For me it’s mostly about being lazy. I actually got some shorts as a gift that didn’t fit me, but they were about 10 sizes too small, because the hanger said one size, while the tag said a size that was 10 less than that. So, I went and exchanged those for a different pair in what I thought was my size (I was wrong). I was able to almost button up these shorts, and I had been running a lot, so I decided to keep them (because I am not going back to the store to make another exchange).


Now those shorts fit, and I was excited and I celebrated for a few seconds in my room by myself. Then I wore them for a whole day, and maybe this weekend I will wear them for a second time. Hopefully, I will soon fit into some of this other clothes I have that is too small for me. 

					

		
		
	


				
					
	

		

						
Couples Learning

			
						

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This week I learned a valuable lesson about single people and their non-single friends. This learning is based upon the ‘circle of friendship’ (is that a thing or did i just make that up? Let’s just pretend it is a thing and I won’t mention it ever again). 


I have been a lone wolf for a good portion of my life, but I do have a whole buttload of friends, (according to the Facebook) some single and some not so single. What I learned this week is the rules of being the “third wheel” (the single friend of the non-single friends: sometimes referred to as a couple). 


Sometimes it’s fine to be the “third wheel,” but other times it’s not cool. Some couples want the “third wheel” around, while others just keep thinking when is this idiot going to leave us alone? So, when is it cool to be the “third wheel,” turning a couple into a tricycle? 


It’s all good if you’re single to hang out with couples who have been dating for a while (there is no specific time measurement, because each couple is different). For some couples a while may be three days or one month, for others it may be years. Some couples may never want to have friends again (they usually move away to a new location and start a new life).


Sometimes you know when a couple is ready for a “third wheel,” because they are already sick of each other. In these cases the “third wheel” may be the glue holding the relationship together (as long as the “third wheel” is around there will be no fighting). You can tell this is the case if the couple is begging you to join them. Another warning sign is when the couple doesn’t talk to each other, but instead they both talk to the “third wheel” (this is a bad sign, and a horrible place to be for the “third wheeler”). 


Some couples are not ready for the “third wheel.” This is often the case with new or young couples, especially when they are super in love and can’t keep their hands off of each other (but what single person wants to be around that?). These people only want to be around each other, and even if you hang out with one of them alone they keep talking about how awesome the other person is. Later on, they will probably be complaining about how annoying the other is.


There is a third group. This group is made up of couples that love each other, but also love their friends. They are a strange group of people, but my favorite. These are the kinds of non-single people I enjoy being around. These people only suck when you have two tickets to see Dave Chappelle, and you want to take your best friend, but his wife won’t let him go without her, but then you still go and have an awesome time, so whatever… Other than that one specific example, I like these people all the time.

					

		
		
	


				
					
	

		

						
Best Buy Mystery Money

			
						

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Hello friends, so I haven’t posted a new learning in a while. That is because I haven’t learned anything worth posting since my last learning (I’ve been in a brain slump lately). That is, until earlier this week, where I learned a valuable life lesson.


As most people know Best Buy is my favorite place on earth. I try to go once a week to see what Movies, Music and other new gadgets were released. The only day I use the newspaper is on Sundays, and that is to see the Best Buy weekly ad (Although I kind of enjoyed not having the newspaper in New York, so every Tuesday was a surprise. Unless I went online to check the online version of the weekly ad).


So, what did I learn about Best Buy this week? I learned that they are a bunch of tricksters. I am a Premier Silver Member of the RewardZone, which means I get free money every few months, for spending money all my money there.


The other day I received an email for a secret “Mystery Coupon,” which got me excited. The “Mystery Coupon” states it could be worth anywhere from $5-$500, or you can receive $5,000 worth of reward points. Of course, every time I’ve gotten one of these “Mystery Coupon” emails, they end up being $5, which is cool, but I would rather just get a $5 “non-Mystery Coupon.”


On my way to Best Buy with my “Mystery Coupon” I began dreaming of all the cool stuff I can buy if I get the $500. I imagined myself walking up to the register with two items, and the lady tells me, “This is all you’re gonna get with your $500?” then I’m all like “WHAT? $500!” and we high five, I grab a cart and run through the store throwing everything in it.


This week I had a plan. If I would have won the $500, I wouldn’t have done a crazy shopping spree. The lady would have told me, “You won $500!” and I would have preordered my PS4 (yes, I decided PS4 is the way to go on my way to Best Buy that day. Thanks to my nerd friends).


In the end, the day did not go as I hoped. I walked up to the register with my Dream Theater “Live at Luna Park” Blu Ray, and the new Eminem CD and got $5 off of my purchase. If I get another “Mystery Coupon” for $5 I will write an angry letter to Best Buy, until then I will keep going there once a week to buy stuff.

					

		
		
	


				
					
	

		

						
Texting and Driving is Kind of Illegal Now (in Florida)

			
						

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On October 1, 2013 (it’s still 2013 right?) I learned that Texting and Driving was now Illegal in Florida (kind of). I wasn’t really sure what else was illegal though. Is it just texting? What about iMessaging? What about Facebook messenger? What about Instagramming or Snap Chatting? Can I still send the Tweets? Can I still Candy Crush in my car? Am I allowed to answer the phone? Can I change the music on my iTunes or Spotify, if I’m listening to it in the car? (All of these questions and more came into my head at once)


It took me about 10 days, but I finally looked up the actual law. What I found out is that texting and driving isn’t really “illegal,” it’s just “kind of illegal.” What this means is that you can’t be pulled over for texting and driving only, it’s a secondary offense (it can only be added on to something else you were doing). I’m pretty sure the cops can find pretty much any reason to stop you though once they see you texting, and you will go to jail! (Actually you won’t go to jail, I believe there is a small fine, and you might get a point or two on your license if you were within a school zone or your texting ended in an accident).


What exactly counts as “texting and driving?” ‘Prohibiting operation of a motor vehicle while using a wireless device for certain purposes.’ What are these certain purposes? 


You are not allowed to be manually typing or entering letters, numbers, symbols or other characters (so I guess no emojis).


What is still legal? 


Voice Communication: I can still talk on the phone, but can I enter in the numbers to call someone if I don’t have them saved on my phone? That’s a tough one.


Reporting emergency or crime: I’m still allowed to take a picture of a crazy accident to send to my friends, right? Does that count as reporting an emergency or crime?


Navigation: I can still use my phone to get me places, but how am I supposed to type in the destination?


Safety Alerts: I can still receive these strange amber and silver alerts I have been receiving on my phone while driving through sketchy neighborhoods.


Radio Broadcasts: I can listen to my podcasts while I drive to work still (which would be nice, if I actually listened to podcasts while driving…)


A discovery I made is that ‘A legally parked vehicle is not being operated.’ What makes a vehicle legally parked though? If I am at a red light and I throw it into park, am I legally parked and now able to send all the messages, read articles and play candy crush until the light turns green? Do I have to pull into an actual parking spot? Can I pull over to the side of the road? Can I throw my car into park in the middle of the highway if I receive a message? (That last one sounds really dangerous, don’t do that)


So, I guess what I learned is that I can still text and drive and do whatever I want on my phone, as long as I am doing everything else right. The moral of the story is don’t text and drive or you will crash and die, 100% of the time. Thanks for listening, safety first.

					

		
		
	


				
					
	

		

						
Ceelo’s Pajamas

			
						

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This week I learned that I want to be just like Ceelo (Green) when I grow up. No, I don’t want to be a judge on the voice, or make songs like “Forget You,” or be a part of the Dungeon Family. I want to be able to go out in public in my pajamas and have society be OK with it. 


This morning Ceelo was on the Today show with K. Lee and Hodi. He was there in his Pajamas. I guess the Today show is one place anyone can wear their pajamas, since it is a morning time show, but I bet if Ceelo was on a Late Night Talk Show, he still would have worn his pajamas. 


I would love to see Ceelo’s closet (I’m pretty sure I can if I search the MTV Cribs archives). I want to see if he has anything other than pajamas. If Ceelo was showing us his closet it would probably go something like this “Hey y’all, what’s up? I’m Ceelo Green. Here is my extravagant collection of pajamas. This section is my sleeping pajamas, here are my going out pajamas, these are my work pajamas, these are my recording studio pajamas, and these are my work out pajamas.” That is all he would have, Pajamas. I guess he would also have a sweet collection of slippers (You can’t wear your Jordan’s with your pajamas!).


So, basically all I want to do is be able to hang around in my pajamas all day. My pajamas are my boxers, so I guess that will never be acceptable in society. I would be satisfied with making it Sweatpants Sunday everyday, as long as it is the wintertime.

					

		
		
	


				
					
	

		

						
Racism on Elysium

			
						

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About two weeks ago I saw Elysium and it was awesome. However, I forgot to tell y’all what I learned. Watching Elysium, I learned that it was a racist movie, or a racist planet or space station or whatever you want to call it.


Sure the movie was full of action, sweet special effects and Matt Damon, but it was still kind of racist. How was it racist you ask? Well, let me tell you. Everyone who lived on Elysium was white (and had money), while all the Mexicans (and other South Americans, but mainly Mexicans because I believe the Earth part of the movie took place in East LA) were stuck here on Earth.


I still would recommend seeing this movie. Especially if you like watching people blow up in movies (because that happens quite a lot). I guess sometimes racism isn’t really a bad thing, because this movie (although a bit racist) still was very entertaining to see.


There was one thing I hated about this movie, and it wasn’t the racist-ness. Jodie Foster was the worst human ever. Not her character, but her, because of her bad acting. Usually Jodie Foster is pretty good in movies, but she tried to put on this French/English/Elysium accent which wasn’t working. Just talk in your normal voice Jodie and everything will be alright.


I still think you should watch this movie, if you haven’t already. Jodie Foster isn’t in the movie enough to ruin the whole movie, just the scenes she is in, where she talks. For the record, I would never go live on Elysium, I would totally stay on Earth.