Warning: this Learning may not be as funny as the others, but it’s about something very important to me (I’ve attached some fun videos to keep you entertained).

This week I learned that Bill Hader will be leaving SNL after this season. I also learned that this saturday is the last show of the season. It’s so sad knowing that I may never see a new Stefon sketch again.

stefon!!!

First, Kristen Wiig left, which was a very sad day at the end of last season. Now, Bill Hader is leaving, and yes this makes me sad, but there are still some awesome cast members left.

Whenever I see a headline about SNL being over, because Hader is out, I think “whoever wrote this is retarded!” Sure it sucks that Bill Hader is leaving, but it’s Lorne Michael’s job to find the best talent and put them on this show to entertain us week and week.

We still have some superstars left. We got every bodies favorite drunk uncle, Bobby Moynihan. The man who can imitate any black actor, Jay Pharoah, who also does a killer impression of Stewie (Family Guy). All That’s Pierre Escargot, Kenan Thompson, who plays a better Charles Barkley than Charles Barkley himself. Taran Killam, master impersonator of Piers Morgan.

We also have some great new additions. Aidy Bryant, Tim Robinson and the girl you don’t want to have a conversation with at a party, Cecily Strong. Let’s not forget the amazing Kate McKinnon, who I believe is going to do some amazing stuff. Who doesn’t love Kate as Ellen?

I will definitely miss my dude Bill Hader, but I will continue to watch SNL until one of us dies. Thanks for all the great work, Bill, you EFFin’ Rocked our socks off!

Now watch these awesome sketches:

This week I learned about the greatest website ever created, and also an awesome movie. I’m not talking about Iron Man 3 people, which was also an amazing movie as I mentioned last week. I’m talking about ParaNorman.

ParaNorman was a great film, but I want to talk about the amazing website they made just for this movie. The website is really fun and interactive. You can learn a bunch before even watching the movie. The coolest part is the Stop Motion Zombie Lab. That is what I really wanted to do when I first heard about the site.

The Zombie Lab is the greatest internet invention ever made, because you can animate your own Stop Motion Zombie Dance Videos (or any kind of stop motion zombie videos). I have already created a few, but I was not able to save my most successful one, so I will have to try again this week.

If you have not been on this site stop reading this and go now. You can play on there for hours, unless you’re stupid and don’t understand how awesome it is. I just wanted to let the world know about this site.

Also, the movie is on instant Netflix, which pretty much everyone and their grandmother has now. So, watch the movie and play with the site and that is all for this week. If you are my friend on the Facebook you may see a sweet ass Zombie Dance Stop Motion video in a few days.

http://paranorman.com

Last time I moved to New York I learned that going to the movies costs way more here than it does back in Miami. Going to see a regular movie is maybe $2-3 more, which isn’t too bad. If you want to go to an IMAX, 3D or an IMAX 3D movie you need to plan ahead, and maybe not go out to eat for a week, so you don’t go broke.

We recently found a loophole to New York’s overpriced Cinema (many New Yorkers already know about this loophole). We learned that movies before noon are about $5-7 cheaper. This is where Super Saturday Morning Movies came from.

In the past two weeks I’ve seen two IMAX movies, Iron Man 3 and Oblivion. I have the rest of my time in the Big Apple planned out by which movie I will see each Saturday. Next weekend is the Great Gatsby, then Star Trek, then some more movies and we will finish with Man of Steel.

In college we would do Friday Morning Movies since we never had class on Fridays. Back then movies were $4 before noon, and we would sneak into another one so it would be like paying $2 a movie. Here it is harder to sneak in to a second movie. The theater by us is tough with security.

We could even bring in food (any kind of food), and they were OK with it, in Tallahassee. Last Saturday, I snuck in a muffin, but it was hard work. In the morning they should allow you to bring in outside food and beverages because they don’t serve breakfast food. I’m not going to eat a hot dog at 9am. The only breakfast-y thing they have at AMC theaters is probably cinnamon pretzels, but I don’t want to pay $6 for a breakfast pretzel.

The best part about Super Saturday Morning Movies is that I get to see a movie when I wake up and still have the whole day to do stuff. This Saturday we saw Iron Man 3 at 9am, went to eat breakfast, went to the park, took a nap in the sun, stole a bunch of free smart water, came home, showered, laid down for a bit, went to a BBQ, drank a few beers, ate a few hot dogs, went to a rock show, and then came home at around 3am. It was a long and awesome day, and it all started with IRON MAN 3.

So, I guess what I’m trying to say is, “GO SEE IRON MAN 3 NOW!”

This week I learned that Ben & Jerry’s loves me. I learned this because I was able to send the Ben & Jerry’s truck to a place in Miami, and I wasn’t even there. I also learned that some people are liars, but I will start with the B&J loving me first. After I’ll go into the thing about liars.

Why B&J’s loves me:

Earlier this week, the G-Unit asked me to tweet at the Ben & Jerry’s truck telling them to bring free ice cream to her at work (The G-Unit is my friend whom I will not name, but she is totally awesome, so I did what she asked).

I thought, sure I’ll tweet at them, but nothing is going to happen. WRONG! Something did happen. It only took about 5-10 minutes for Ben and Jerry’s Truck to answer. This is when I realized I AM AWESOME AT TWITTER. Later that day, I even told TG (another awesome friend of mine) that I AM REALLY GOOD AT TWITTER, which is totally true. When I tweet at someone, I get answers (about 36% of the time).

So, B&J’s answered me and said they would go to give the G-Unit and her co-workers some FREE Frogurt (Frozen Yogurt or FroYo or whatever you want to call it). The next day they went to give them FREE Frogurt at the time they said they would, and it was probably the best day ever for her and her whole office.

Why people are liars:

The next day I saw something on the G-Unit’s company Instagram. They put some pictures together of all the fun they had during their FREE ICE CREAM party (thanks to me). However, they did not give me any credit.

They wrote “We tweeted, they listened…” which is not true, because they weren’t the ones who tweeted. I was the one who tweeted for them. It’s awesome that Ben & Jerry’s listened to me and went to give these people FREE Ice Cream. I don’t need a thanks for doing it, but it’s not cool to take credit for what someone else does for you. That’s messed up.

Also, I’m kind of jealous that I wasn’t there to get my FREE Ice Cream on.

I am twenty-seven years old (shit!), and I have never owned a pair of Converse.

Well, I had some D.Wade Converse, but those don’t count as Converse. So, I still have never owned a pair of real Converse, UNTIL NOW!

I wanted to get my nephew his first pair of baby Jordan’s. My sister said her child would never wear baby Jordan’s, EVER!

So, for Easter I gave my nephew his first pair of Converse. That was when I realized I never had my first pair of Converse. I was going to buy them when I was still in Miami, but I decided I would wait until I came to New York to start my new life, as a Converse kid (Also, they would have taken up more room in my suitcase).

I went to DSW the other day just to see what they had. There was about seven pairs of Converse. For some reason the blue ones were more on sale than the others. So, of course I tried them on. Five minutes later I walked out of DSW with my first pair of Converse, blue Converse.

I looked at them the next morning and thought, I’ve made a huge mistake. Walking around the city in shoes with no support for my feet? I thought I would definitely get injured wearing these all day. I did not to wear them on Monday.

I wore them to work on Tuesday. I walked a few extra blocks to the second closest subway stop, just to break them in. I was surprised when I realized how comfortable these shoes were, especially on my first day using them.

The only problem was that I don’t have skinny jeans (Last Halloween my costume included skinny white jeans, and skinny jeans are actually really comfortable). The problem with my jeans is that the foot holes are too big for Converse and end up dragging my jeans on the ground and tearing them up.

I will continue to wear my Converse, I just need to (1) get new jeans, or (2) wear them with shorts. Uniqlo had some $20 skinny leg jeans, maybe I will go try those on and see how they work with my Converse. For $20 it just might be worth it.

This week I learned two things, but we will get to them in a bit. Ben & Jerry’s FREE CONE DAY is my 3rd favorite holiday of the year, (after my Bday and Christmas, of course). I have been celebrating this holiday for 3 or 4 years now. I usually get my FREE CONE with Elizabeth, because she loves B&Js as much as I do and she is awesome!

I was excited that I would be able to celebrate FREE CONE DAY with Elizabeth once again, before leaving to New York. I was WRONG! Apparently, Ben and Jerry have the power to change holidays (Jesus also has this power, since we celebrate Jesus’ bday in December, instead of whatever day it really happened). FREE CONE DAY is usually on the first Tuesday of April, but this year B&J decided to move it to the second Tuesday. This is why I wasn’t able to go at home with Elizabeth.

I still enjoyed FREE CONE DAY with my Razorfish Finterns, but I was disappointed with the New York version of FREE CONE DAY. There was a huge line to get my cone, but it moved rather quickly. I expected there to be a line, so I was ok with this. I was extremely disappointed with the flavor choices. We were only allowed to choose from 5 or 6 flavors here, but in Miami I was able to get whatever flavor I wanted on my cone.

The flavors to choose from were: Vanilla, the most plain flavor of ice cream, which is fine on any day except for FREE CONE DAY. Liz Lemonade Greek FroGurt, which sounds like a cool flavor to try, but it’s not called FREE FROGURT DAY is it? Caramel Chunk, sounded nice and was my second choice. Candy Bar Pie, was crossed off the list, but for some reason I was still able to get it. Some kind of Strawberry or Raspberry, I don’t want healthy crap in my ice cream. If there were any other flavors available they were probably not any good, because I can’t remember them.

On FREE CONE DAY I like to get some Americone Dream, Late Night Snack or something new that I’ve never tried. The flavors I choose usually have at least three ingredients other than ice cream, if not it ain’t worth it. I’m glad I had some Americone Dream in the freezer at home, from the weekend. I was able to go for FREE CONE DAY Round 2! In the end, FREE CONE DAY was still a great success (although it wasn’t as great as the last two years).

Last night was my first night going out in New York. We scored some FREE tickets to go see Phoenix in Brooklyn at 6pm (so it was already a good start to my time in the big apple city). After that we went to a nice looking bar, Barry Park. They had some good Germán beers, pretzels and FRICKLES (aka fried pickles! I don’t eat normal pickles, but I can pretty much eat anything fried or wrapped in bacon).

After that I went to meet up with some friends from school for dinner at a Latino place called Macondo. I had some rope vieja (old clothes) tacos, that were pretty amazing. We were given a FREE jug of wine infused with whiskey. It was a strange drink, but the experience of drinking out of this jug made it fun (it was like some funky Game of Thrones jug).

Next, I went to meet up with my friends who were here for a bachelorette party. They were at the Bowery Electric, a very small and crowded place in the Little East Side (aka LES, if you’re a cool New Yorker). This place was kind of like a long hallway, filled with too many people, that led to a tiny dance floor with a disco ball.

At this long tiny bar I learned something. I learned that I look like the guy from LOST. Which guy from LOST? I’m not sure, but according to some drunk person I look like “that dude from LOST.”

I was standing by the bar area, drinking my beer, and this drunken fool came up to me. He said, “Hey man, are you the dude from LOST?”

Now, I could have ruined his hopes and just said, “No sir, I am not the dude from LOST,” but that would be no fun. So instead, I made his night by saying, “Yes, I am that dude from LOST!”

He was so excited, “I knew it!” he screamed out and pumped his fist into the air, like he had just won a prize. I thought I had made his night, he has a story to tell his friends and family and this experience was over. WRONG! It wasn’t over. He still had some more questions to ask. “Dude, you must get laid all the time?”

“Yeah, I do.” I told him, which is not the truth at all, but like I said before, I didn’t want to let him down. After that I told him I was here to hang with some friends. He asked me if they were from LOST, (LOST ended years ago, man. I’m sure the cast has new friends) so I told him, “No. My friends are just normal humans like you.”

I wish I could have learned which character from LOST I look like. My guess would have been Hurley (he must have not seen Hurley on Californication this season, because he is still well over 300 pounds). I learned what it feels like to be a famous person in a bar, for a few minutes. I also learned why famous people must hate normal humans, because it’s always the idiots who come and talk to them, and ask them stupid ass questions.

This week I learned that you can easily get free stuff on Twitter. Actually, I learned this many moons ago, just this time I learned a different way to do it.

A few years back I started twittering lines to Astroglide. Most of them were stupid and rhymed with Astroglide, but some were funny. They were funny enough to get me a free shirt, from Astroglide (Thanks Astroglide).

The other day I was forced against my will to eat a Bubba Burger. Let me tell you that these things are not actually burgers. The package says “all natural” but they ain’t foolin’ nobody.

Back in high school I thought Bubba Burgers were great, but then I realized I was wrong. I only thought they were any good, because I was on a boat, drunk. Also, my friend would pour beer all over them while cooking them. When I bought them later on and cooked them sober I realized that they were horrible.

So, after being forced to eat Bubba Burgers this past weekend, I stated my opinion on the Twitter and this is what happened.

Next, they gave me an email where to reach them for “An offer I can’t refuse.” I told them to send it to my New York address, since I will be moving back there this week.

In my final email I let them know that they are a company with a horrible product, but great customer service.

So, I guess what I learned this week is that sometimes having great customer service is more important than having a great product?

This week I learned that the Lipton started again. I’m sorry I meant the Sony Ericsson. The tennis Tournament by my house that has been called many names since I have been here. First, it was the Lipton. Then, the Nasdaq and Sony Ericsson. I will always call it the Lipton, just as Dolphin stadium will always be known as Joe Robbie to me.

Living on Key Biscayne is awesome, except for these next two weeks. Every march the Lipton comes around and makes living on the key kind of annoying. It brings major traffic, lots of euro-trashers and more South Americans. I guess it’s good for business when all these tourists are around, but it’s annoying to the people who live here.

Now I have to choose the right time to leave and come home. If I choose wrong I will be stuck in an hour of horrible traffic, just to drive what would normally take 5 minutes. Coming home after work is tough, because you can’t really time when the right time is on week days, you just have to hope they aren’t letting people cross the street as you drive in.

I like to go to Winn Dixie and CVS late at night, so I don’t run into people. Now, with all these extra people here, there’s lines, traffic and longer wait times when ordering food. Plus, everything takes longer, because no one speaks English!

I do like the Lipton, when someone gives me free tickets and I get to go, but the years that I don’t get to go I am not a fan. If I don’t get to enjoy it, and have to deal with all the traffic and problems then no one should enjoy it. Maybe I should have voted NO when they asked if I wanted to keep it around.

This week I learned that Ultra “Music” Festival is going to be not one, but two weekends.

Dear Miami,

Prepare for crazy traffic, drugged up t’weens and the Neon Hippie Apocalypse.

I will just stay home for the next two weekends. I also learned that this week is called Miami “Music” Week. I write “Music” in quotations, because I don’t believe this qualifies as real Music. Music is something you do with your voice or some kind of instrument. Ultra DJs play “Music” the same way I am writing “Music” right now, with a computer keyboard.

Most of the mixes they play are prerecorded, so it technically isn’t even live. They can just have a speaker playing the noise, with no DJ standing there fist pumping.

The light shows may be fun (especially for all the drugged up t’weens), but I do not count Robot sounds as music. Some people have ROBOT EARS, which I believe is a condition found in most children born after the year 1997. These kids can hear these computer noises and think of it as “Music.”

Miami needs a real music festival, with real music and real people. Some kind of Bonnaroo, Voodoo Fest or Lollapalooza. Instead we have Robot festivals, Reggae festivals and House music. Real people live here, Robot Music must DIE!!!