This week I learned that Ultra “Music” Festival is going to be not one, but two weekends.

Dear Miami,

Prepare for crazy traffic, drugged up t’weens and the Neon Hippie Apocalypse.

I will just stay home for the next two weekends. I also learned that this week is called Miami “Music” Week. I write “Music” in quotations, because I don’t believe this qualifies as real Music. Music is something you do with your voice or some kind of instrument. Ultra DJs play “Music” the same way I am writing “Music” right now, with a computer keyboard.

Most of the mixes they play are prerecorded, so it technically isn’t even live. They can just have a speaker playing the noise, with no DJ standing there fist pumping.

The light shows may be fun (especially for all the drugged up t’weens), but I do not count Robot sounds as music. Some people have ROBOT EARS, which I believe is a condition found in most children born after the year 1997. These kids can hear these computer noises and think of it as “Music.”

Miami needs a real music festival, with real music and real people. Some kind of Bonnaroo, Voodoo Fest or Lollapalooza. Instead we have Robot festivals, Reggae festivals and House music. Real people live here, Robot Music must DIE!!!