I hear a lot of people say we’re in the golden age of film and television, but the 90’s were filled with some of the greatest movies and TV shows of all time. I’m just going to talk about a few great 90’s movies. Not my favorite ones, just three that I recently rewatched and got a whole new experience from them.

MAN OF THE HOUSE

In case you haven’t seen this movie it stars a young teen idol from back in my day named JTT (Jonathan Taylor Thomas). For you young ones, he was sort of like the High School Musical Zac Efron from my childhood. For you even younger ones he was like the Justin Bieber of child actors, but before Bieber got his driver’s license and made all those terrible mistakes. Every girl in my class was obsessed with him, and all of the boys were jealous of him. Why couldn’t the girls be obsessed with me? Because I didn’t have that perfect haircut? Because I wasn’t Tim “The Toolman” Taylor’s sarcastic son? Because I wasn’t the voice of young Simba?

The plot of MAN OF THE HOUSE involves a young JTT and his mom (the lovely Farrah Fawcett), who have just moved to a new town after his D-bag dad left them (or maybe he died). Mom meets a new dude, Chevy Chase and JTT’s new purpose in life becomes to ruin this guy’s life.

Seeing this movie as a child you sympathize with JTT. This guy’s trying to sleep with your mom, dude! Get him the hell out of your house. EFF this goofy, old yuppie! Chevy Chase thinks he’s gonna come into JTT’s house with his silly old man jokes and win him over? I think not!

Seeing this movie as an “adult” you feel kind of bad for Chevy Chase. Why does this lady have to have such a little sh*t for a son? Can’t he just leave Chevy alone? Your mom can’t be alone forever, JTT. You’re gonna grow up and find someone to love and leave her one day and she’ll be all alone because you ruined her one chance at love. Chevy Chase should punch this stupid kid in the face.

If you haven’t seen Man of the House it might still be on HBOgo/HBOnow and you should definitely check it out. Along with every other JTT movie.

(See also the TV Series – Home Improvement)

VARSITY BLUES

Varsity Blues stars James Van Der Beek with a bunch of other stars, including a young Paul Walker, Amy Smart and Scott Caan. This is the “High School” movie that every parody high school movie was based on. You know, “the jocks with the footballs and the drinking the beers and the partying hard and doing whatever they want,” because small towns are run by high school athletes.

Watching this movie before entering high school was like being that kid in Billy Madison, “Gee, Billy. I can’t wait ‘til I go to hike school!”. You can join the football team (which I never did), and rule the campus (which I also never did). You’re excited to drink beer at all the crazy keg parties, and break stuff in stranger’s houses (which we maybe did a little bit). Go to a strip club and find out one of your teachers is a stripper (never happened). Get a girl to show you her whipped cream bikini (the only whipped cream bikini I’ve seen to date is Amy Smart’s in Varsity Blues. I’m starting to think these things don’t really exist in real life).

Watching this movie after high school and college it becomes a sad movie. All these small town hilly-billy kids had to live for was high school football. High School was their prime, after that it’s working at some crap store in that same town. Then one day you’ll have kids and you get to relive the “glory days” when they’re high school football players. I’m about to turn 30 and I still haven’t reached my prime. And these 15-18 year olds are throwing in the towel after three to four good years. Varsity Blues went from “the dream” to a nightmare of a movie.

Dear Mox (aka James Van Der Beek),

“I don’t want… your life.”

DROP DEAD FRED

This is a movie my sister and I loved to watch. A woman in her 20’s is revisited by her terribly inappropriate imaginary friend. So many jokes in this movie that we didn’t understand until later in life. Drop Dead Fred is one of the dirtiest kid movies I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen it way too many times as a kid. Maybe it wasn’t even a kids movie. Here are some horrible quotes from the movie:

Fred: [Looking up Polly’s skirt] Wow.

[Looks at Elizabeth and points up]

Fred: Cobwebs.

Young Elizabeth: Daddy, why don’t we throw mommy out the window? It won’t hurt her. She’ll land in the gladiolas.

Nigel: You shouldn’t say things like that about your mother… She might cut your head off.

[Fred looks up a woman’s dress]

Fred: No panties. No panties.

Fred: I’m not afraid of the megabeast!

Young Elizabeth: I’m not either, when she comes in here we’ll make her eat up all this mud!

Fred: Yeah… and then we’ll cut her head off…

Young Elizabeth: with scissors…

Fred: Yeah… and then we’ll make her eat it

Young Elizabeth: …make her eat her own head… with what?

Fred: Oh yeah, well I’ll eat her head then.

Young Elizabeth: And I’ll eat the rest of her!

Fred: Yeah! And then we’ll get up and poo her all over the table cause we’re not afraid of anything

Fred, Young Elizabeth: yeah, yeah YEAH!

All this freaky British imaginary friend does is get this poor girl into trouble the whole time. It’s still a great movie, I just can’t believe I was able to watch it so many times as a kid.

I’m sure there are other movies out there just like these, where your opinion changes depending on where you are in life. Watching Home Alone once you’re a parent may be totally terrifying. Instead of cheering on Kevin McCallister as he outsmarts the burglars, you’re just worried for the poor mom who has to deal with leaving her kid in a different country (and get ready for Home Alone 2, because the same mom is about to mess up once again). This is why movies are great, you can watch them over and over again and get a different message every time. So, for your homework this week* go back and re-watch an old movie from your childhood and see how it makes you feel now compared to when you first saw it.

*First ever Ferdi’s Learnings Homework assignment. I’m sure there’s a comment section below where you can tell me all about what movie you re-watched.

Last week I learned how to easily get FREE money from food delivery services like Eat24, GrubHub, Delivery Dudes and all the new up-and-comers. These food ubers are taking over the delivery scene. They deliver food from almost any restaurant, including those that don’t deliver themselves — making it that much easier to stay on the couch in sweatpants watching Netflix waiting for the food to come directly to your mouth-hole.

The future is here — now! Back in the day you had to make reservations, dress up in nice clothes and bring your whole crew out for a fancy meal. Now you can order it to literally anywhere, have your friends come over and save on gratuity (Your 15-20% tip just went down to $2 – $5, based on how generous you are).

So, last week I made two orders using two different services. One day Eat24 and the other day a different one. The first day I ordered a breakfast sausage, egg and cheese bagel sandwich and it took almost two hours to get here. Plus, when it arrived they had brought the wrong bagel and a few other wrong things in my order. I opened up the chat on their website and was instantly given a $9 credit for the next time I order from that place. That’s pretty cool, but I will probably have to wait two hours next time again, and hope they get it right. If not it will just be a vicious cycle of FREE $9 orders.

The second order was from some other place and I have no idea what I ordered, but I do remember it taking too long and missing some items. I think this was from the other service, probably GrubHub. I used their chat and they also granted me a credit to my account. Now I have free money food millionaire on both GrubHub and Eat24 (just for this week, unless it happens again and again).

I only complained because it was through an online chat, so it was effortless and I didn’t have to talk to a real person. And both times I received a credit. Now I know that you can just make any complaint up and they will award you with something just to shut you up. There’s no real way for these delivery companies to check if you’re lying. They go through so many orders each day at lunch time, from so many different restaurants, you don’t even have to make an order. Just create a random order number, and they’ll probably say, “Oh we can’t find your order, it must’ve been lost in transit.” BOOM! Free meal!

One last tip I have for you. Don’t try this with Jimmy Johns. Last week my Jimmy Johns order took well over an hour and a half. An order of two sandwiches that has never taken over 21 minutes (I’ve timed each order). It took almost two hours, because of the rain. I instantly tweeted my complaints to the world and I received a phone call from a Jimmy Johns social media manager, who asked me a whole bunch of questions, but gave me nothing.

So, sometimes you waste your time with your complaints. And other times you win and you get free money, but as long as I don’t have to physically talk to someone it’s all good. If you do end up talking to someone who happens to be from a middle eastern country, you always win with free money or gifts. I even got a free Wii U the other day by talking to an online help chat, but that’s a whole different story.
Thanks Rajeev!

Last week Barrack O’Bama finally passed his gun control bill, law or whatever it’s called. I started reading all about it, but there were too many rules, so I quit halfway through (The only guns I own are a Nerf and a BB gun, so this doesn’t apply to me). I bet one of my gun loving friends will tell me all about it real soon. I want to talk about another big problem in our country right now. A problem that may affect way more Americans than guns do each day (just a guess, I did zero research on the subject).

Automobile control is a big issue that not many US presidents have touched on (remember, no research. That’s why I said ‘not many’ instead of ‘not one’). Each day driver’s’ licenses are handed out to young tweens who are guaranteed to text/tweet/snapchat while driving. And it’s not just the tweens, everyone is texting, tweeting and snapchatting while driving. Everyday there are too many accidents on the road. Think of when you’re leaving your home in the morning, and the traffic lady comes on the TV telling you about five different accidents that are going to keep you from getting to work on time. Some people walk away just fine, some injured, but some don’t walk away at all. But why are there so many accidents you ask?

Think about how easy it was to get your driver’s license. They just hand those things out. All you need to do is take a test, a test that has had the same questions for decades. The internet is filled with driver’s license exam questions. Everyone cheated their way into the driver’s seat of a car. I sure did and so did most of my friends.

Over the years, I have become a much safer driver (even though my driver’s license has always claimed me to be a SAFE DRIVER), but I have lots of friends who still drive just as crazy and stupid as they did in high school. Every driver on the road thinks they are always right, and every other driver on the road is wrong, 110% of the time. Think of all the times you’ve almost been in an accident and how many of those times you’ve actually thought, that was my fault, I guess (About ZERO times, it’s always this assholes fault).

I know there are a lot of idiot drivers out there, and not O’Bama, not Marco Rubio, not Hillary, not even Donald Trump is going to do anything about it (I really hope our next president isn’t Donald Trump). This is why I’ve decided as part of my New Year’s resolution I will be more alert and aware on the road. No more texting while driving. Unless I’m at a red light, or stuck in traffic, or if I really have to send this message before I forget whatever dumb thing I just thought of while driving. I will stop Facebook-ing and IMDb-ing while driving, too. That’s just irresponsible.

If we were all a little nicer on the road we could make the world a better place. Next time some idiot wants to get in front of you don’t be a dick, just let them go. You don’t have to let the whole town in front of you, just one car is fine. When someone is rude to you on the road don’t get up their ass about it and give them the finger, instead drive up next to them at a ride light and put your window down and tell them, “I forgive you, for you know not what you do,” and sure, you can finish it off with an ‘asshole’ under your breath. By becoming just a little kinder behind the wheel, you will live a longer and happier life.

Sometimes I just don’t understand popular music (that’s what the POP in POP Music stands for, right?). I’m not talking about understanding why people like it, or why it’s classified as music (those are the complaints of an older generation). Most of the songs are catchy with a nice groove to bust a move to. I get that. I’m saying sometimes I just don’t understand the words.

The other day I heard the song “Hotline Bling” for the first time (without seeing the video along with it). Everyone loves making fun of Drake and his silly Canadian/Salsa dance moves. Ever since the song came out I’ve had no idea what a “Hotline Bling” was, until I finally heard the song while running and actually listened to the words.

In the chorus he says, “I know when that Hotline Bling,” and I’ve always heard it as “I know when you high like me,” and I thought I guess this girl only wants him when she’s high or drunk, and he only comes over when he’s also high or drunk (kind of like the premise of the song “Self-Esteem” by The Offspring). That is not what he’s saying at all, he’s saying this “Hotline Bling” line, but it sounds like he’s saying “hotline blink” which makes more sense to me. Office phones don’t BLING, they BLINK and they RING — maybe this BLING is a mix of the two BLink +rING = BLING?

Another song that I had trouble understanding is “Lean On” by Major Lazer. What is a Major Lazer? Is it a person? Is it a black Mr. T looking cartoon guy? Is his name Marcus? Why would I think his name is Marcus? I’ll tell you why. This song has been out for a while now and up until the other day I thought the girl who sings (I think her name is Mo) was saying “Marcus. Fire a gun.” So, I thought the Major Lazer’s name was Marcus, he even looks like a Marcus. Marcus Tureaud (Mr. T’s real last name. He’s a French?).

What she’s really saying is, “Blow a kiss. Fire a gun.” What does that even mean? Who are you blowing a kiss at before shooting them? That’s super rude. Oh, look this girl is blowing me a kiss. That’s sweet. BOOM! Shot in the face. Not as nice anymore.

There are other songs that I completely understand, like beyond the lyrics. Like the song “Sorry” by Justin Bieber. He wants you to think he’s saying sorry to a girl, but he’s really saying sorry to us, his fans. Sorry for messing up all those times, for being a little shit, for kidnapping that monkey or whatever he did to it. And No, Justin it’s never too late to say Sorry. How can he say Sorry like an American? I thought he was a Canadian, shouldn’t he be saying Su-ri?
Maybe my next learning won’t be about understanding and not understanding music. Is it too late now to say Sorry?

There’s a lot of people out there who hate Black Friday and say that it’s ruining Thanksgiving, especially now that Black Friday starts on Thanksgiving Thursday. This is kind of true for the crazies who line up Thursday early morning and afternoon — skipping the turkey, stuffing, pies and all that goodness just to save a few dollars on a new giant TV that they don’t even need.

For me Black Friday is about tradition. One of my best friends only comes to town two times a year, Thanksgiving and Christmas. For the past 4 or 5 years we’ve gone Black Friday shopping together late Thursday night. We both enjoy our family Thanksgiving meals, then once our bellies are full and the families are gone, I drive over to his house and we hit up Best Buy, Target, Sports Authority and whatever is open in Dadeland Mall. His girlfriend is now a part of our Black Friday Crew (BFC) and we will continue doing this until we die or Black Friday is killed off by Thanksgiving-loving hippie-Christians.

What else are you supposed to do after Thanksgiving? You can’t have a good night’s sleep on such a full belly. At least we’re walking around the mall, up and down stairs (Ok, we’re most likely using the elevator, but there are still some stairs involved).

What are we even looking for on Black Friday? We get there so late the doorbusters and super deals are all gone by the time we arrive. That’s fine with me. We’re just looking for cheap video games, movies and maybe some random cool stuff that we wouldn’t normally buy, but hey, it’s on sale (and like really on sale, like well over 50% off!) This year I got a sweet ass Nightmare Before Christmas Christmas sweater (and no it’s not ugly, all Christmas sweaters are created beautifully by Santa’s little helpers).

Of all the things I bought, the best deal of the night was Adele’s newest album, 25, for only $9.99 at Best Buy. You might be thinking, $9.99 is how much new albums cost at Best Buy, and yes, that’s true. However, I know this was the best deal of the night because at Target the album was $12.99, that’s a whole $3 more for the same album on Black Friday? That’s crazy! $3 doesn’t sound like much, but that’s like 30% off of this amazing album. And I now know it’s amazing, because I listened to it 3 times in my car so far.

I bought Adele’s last album, 21, unless there was a 22, 23 and/or 24 in between that I wasn’t aware of. I loved 21, sure the songs are sad sometimes, but that’s only if you really listen to the words. We’ve all read the reviews of 21 and I’m not here to criticize it or anything, I’m going to talk about 25, or better yet about the first song on the album “Hello.”

Who is she talking to in this song? An ex-lover, we know this much, but is the guy dead? But now she regrets not talking to him when he was alive? You had your chance Adele! It’s too late now. The dude is dead and there’s nothing you could do about it. Except write a song about it, so in case he isn’t dead he will hear the song on the radio and finally get your message to him.

She must have called a thousand times. What’s the time table on these phone calls? Was it 1,000 in a year? A month? A week? SInce they broke up? 1,000 phone calls is a whole heap, that’s an expensive phone bill. I didn’t even talk to my mom that many times when I was away in college, and I talked to her almost every day. In one year that would still be around 3 phone calls a day. In a month, 33 times a day. That’s more than one call each hour. Did she leave messages? I’m sure she filled up his voicemail box real fast.

What I get from the song, “Hello,” is that Adele may be a crazy stalker of ex-lovers. It’s ok Adele, I still love you and your music. You have a wonderful singing voice. From Adele’s laugh alone you can tell that she would be a little nutty. She laughs like an evil stalker, but in a fun way (like those bad guys in movies who are laughing with you one second and then BOOM! Punch to the face).

I haven’t analyzed any of the other songs from the album 25, but I hope she keeps the music coming. I’ll keep buying your albums Adele, especially when they come out near Black Friday.

If you don’t know the song “Hello” or Adele, you can learn more here… Adele – Hello