Last night I was watching some TV and I saw a DUNKIN DONUTS commercial telling me to:

“Try the new caramel macchiato.”

Guess what DUNKIN! If that’s even your real name. If that’s an actual human’s name then your parents had shit spelling skills. So, as I was saying. Guess what Mr. DUNKIN! Starbucks created the Caramel Macchiato forever ago. Actually someone in Italy probably created it even before Starbucks. And tons of other coffee shops everywhere have them on the menu.

Next time you want to make a commercial introducing something new to your coffee menu, how about you actually introduce “something new.” Not something new for you, but old and regular to the rest of the world. Maybe a liquid donut coffee drink, or a munchkin hot chocolate. I don’t know, I’m just spitballing here.

Did PAPA JOHN’s make a commercial to first introduce their Pepperoni Pizza? I don’t think so. They were just like, “we got cheese and we got pepperoni,” at first. Now they make commercials to show off all the new pizzas. Six Cheese Tuscan. Three types of sausage. They even make commercials showing off that the Papa is friends with Peyton Manning.

If I learned anything from this Super Bowl a few weeks ago it’s that Peyton Manning loves Pizza and Budweiser. Also, that Puppy-Monkey-Baby is the creepiest thing I’ve ever seen. If that thing is real someone needs to kill it, like yesterday.

So, back to DUNKIN DONUTS. Next time you want to introduce me and the rest of the world to some new coffee drink, make sure I’ve never heard of it before. Or just say, “Now serving [Insert some coffee drink I’ve already heard of here] at our stores.” I’ve been drinking caramel macchiatos since the early 2000’s, bruh! (that’s how Kanye says it, right?)

Another thing DUNKIN DONUTS. I don’t know if you’ve changed your slogan yet, but “America Runs on Dunkin,” really? Eating or drinking anything from DUNKIN DONUTS has never made me feel like “Running.” It’s more like, “America walks on Dunkin,” or, “America sleeps on Dunkin,” or anything else that doesn’t require much physical activity. You’re welcome for your new slogan, now pay me.