Cuban Food: It’s Out of this World!

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Being raised by and living with two real Cubans (my parents) for about 80% of my life, I’ve learned that most Cubans aren’t really into trying new food. They most definitely are not fans of anything spicy. And whenever it’s time for a birthday, graduation or a wake it’s always, “Let’s go to Versailles, La Carreta, Sergio’s, Havana Harry’s or any other Cuban restaurant.” Cuban food is magical and was invented to help us all deal with happiness, success and pain.

Another thing I’ve noticed, especially about my dad, is that anytime I do make him try a new place he always gives it the same review, “No es nada del otro mundo” (it’s nothing out of this world or nothing from another planet). I’ve heard this same review from plenty of other old Cubans in my family and some not in my family.

If you’re holding every new meal to that standard, then you’re never going to find something you like. I don’t know what they’re searching for, but whatever it is they probably won’t find it here on Earth. Where do Old Cubans think Cuban food comes from? A secret space station? The Millennium Falcon? Pandora?

Everything we have ever eaten so far has been “from this world.” None of the Old Cubans I know were ever astronauts, so I don’t know what kind of space cakes and moon pies they think they’ll find. I’m sure if we did try the cuisine from Mars or Venus it wouldn’t be very tasty. Did you see how much trouble Matt Damon went through just to grow plants on Mars (in The Martian)? An extraordinary amount of trouble.

I love Cuban food, especially croquetas and vaca frita and tres leches and flan and the bread is simply amazing (with and without butter, toasted and untoasted, it’s always great).

As a young whippersnapper I only ate hot dogs, chicken nuggets and pizza. It wasn’t until I watched Good Burger in the theater that I thought, Hey, I should give hamburgers another try! We went straight to Burger King, where I learned what burgers should taste like (or that’s what I thought at the time). Now, I enjoy trying all types of new cuisine from all over the world. (I’m no Andrew Zimmern or Anthony Bourdain, but I’ll try some stuff at Epcot Food & ‘Lines’ Festival).

Attempting to take my parents to a new place is tough, they just want something familiar. Anything not Cuban “sounds weird” to them. They like sticking to old Cuban restaurants or famous chains that they already trust. I feel this may be common in most Cubans who were born on that island.

Maybe someone (aka the government) was trying to poison everyone on the island, so they only ate at places they already trusted. Now, since coming to Miami, they’ve found their few safe restaurants and will continue dining at those and only those few spots.

Another thing with this older generation is that they were brought up on the crappy food pyramid and they have no idea what’s healthy and what isn’t. You try to explain what’s bad and why it’s bad, but they listen to idiots like Dr. Oz, Wolf Blitzer and GMA instead.

I know what’s healthy and what I should be eating. However, I choose to eat what’s not healthy because I am still kind of young and the healthy food isn’t as delicious. In fact, the healthy food usually tastes like butt and life is too short to waste it eating gross, healthy food (like quinoa and kale). But by eating that healthy, crap food you may have a longer life. But it won’t be much longer, so eat what you want. Just make sure to try new things along the way.


If you liked this Learning you should “Like,” “Comment” and/or “Share” it. That way other people will get to enjoy it too… Like DMX said, “Stop being greedy.”

ANGRY BERNIE AT BEST BUY

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Last Friday, I decided to go to Best Buy after work to check out the Wacom Tablets. After watching my work neighbor/partner, Jose, create an awesome piece of art in no time at all, I thought maybe I should buy one for myself. I owned a tablet for about a week in my time at Miami Ad School, but I returned it to get a GoPro which I haven’t used in a few years.

So, back to Best Buy. I walked into the store knowing I was in a rush. I had to go pick up a cake from Miss Patty Cakes, plus I also had to get home in time for dinner with my family. However, I still thought a quick stop at Best Buy would be fine.

There is no such thing as a “quick stop” at Best Buy for me. I took a quick 10-15 minute detour to check out movies, music and finally video games before finally making my way to the tablet section. I grabbed the Wacom Intuos Draw (the entry-level model) and walked over to the front of the store. I checked the Amazon price on my phone and it was only $0.01 cheaper so I put my phone away — no price matching necessary.

When I arrived at the front of the store I was greeted by a very long line of people. Way too long for a Friday at almost 7pm when I’m in a hurry to get home. I started walking towards the back of the line. I was on the verge of leaving the tablet in a random spot of the store, but I’m not that type of person. Also, I didn’t want to have to wait until next week to get it. I immediately noticed a second register was open with only the one person paying at it. This line was all for one register, or so I thought.

 

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I quickly skipped the long line and went straight for the other register with no line, where a customer was finishing their purchase.

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As I walked over to the non-line, an Old Angry Bernie Sanders-lookin’ Fool from the other line yelled out, “Uh, Excuse me. Don’t you see us all waiting in line?”

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*Side note: I was never going to vote for Bernie Sanders, but after this man yelled at me I will most definitely never support Bernie Sanders and it’s all because he will forever remind me of this guy. Hillary 2016! And if you don’t agree with that then you’re sexist. Also, she is the only candidate who has ever slept in the White House — for 8 years.

She’s been there, done that. She even knows which cupboard they keep the Diet Coke in. If you told Bernie where the the Diet Coke is, he’d probably forget within two hours. His whole presidency would be him trying to find where they keep the Diet Coke, with one of his White House servants constantly reminding him over and over again.

Once again, back to Best Buy. I told “Angry Bernie” that I did see him and the others waiting in a single line for the other register, but this one had no line and was fair game. Next, Angry Bernie tried to explain to me how lines work at Best Buy. I go to Best Buy a lot, like at least once a week, sometimes more. I know how the lines work. I’m a Premier Silver Reward Card Member, Angry Bernie! So, don’t try to tell me how lines work at Best Buy. It’s not a bank, there’s no velvet rope walkway. Each register has it’s own line.

Also, these two registers were on opposite sides of the same checkout counter [see exhibit a], if we would have had an [exhibit b] situation on our hands then I wouldn’t have skipped the line.

 

Whatever Angry Bernie said to me after that I cannot recall. I believe he called me rude at some point. But guess what, those people were Angry Bernie followers, and I’m my own person who chose to form my own line (in the interest of time). I’m not going to stand in his line just because they’re all afraid of Angry Bernie.

Once Angry Bernie paid he left and said nothing to me, which is how it should have been.One more thing happened after he left, though.

As I was paying, the girl who had been behind Angry Bernie had just finished paying. She walked right up to me and said, “I’m sorry about that guy. He was a real dick!” And I said, I know right! This made me feel much better, but I still had to call Elizabeth from the car to talk about this angry old idiot.

I guess the moral of the story is you don’t always have to listen to your elders, because some of them are just crazy, stupid fools. I guess you should just listen to your elder relatives, unless you know for sure that they too are crazy. In that case, don’t listen to anyone but yourself, unless you’re also crazy.

P.S. I made these artsy explanations with the help of my new Wacom Tablet, and I look forward to making more artwork with it and sharing it with you all.

Thanks, see you next week.

THAT NEW KYGO CD

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The time is now 12:10 AM and it’s Thursday. I have to post a new learning in about 9-10 hours and I have nothing. What should I write about? What have I learned this week? Last weekend I began watching the show LOVE on Netflix, created by Paul Rust and Judd Apatow (and maybe someone else). So far, the show is pretty weird, but also funny and I love Paul Rust and Britta from Community (especially because she is a completely different character in this show). I think I’ve watched 6 of 12-13 episodes and I plan to finish it this weekend.

The problem is that while I started watching this show I am still way behind on my other shows, like the New Girl, the Grinder, Modern Family, a bunch of other Netflix shows, I’m still somewhere in season 3 of Friends, and I’m 3 or 4 weeks behind on SNL. And who’s to say I won’t start season 2 of Gracie and Frankie this weekend, instead of finishing LOVE and my other shows.

I don’t have time for TV and exercise and video games and friends (real life, not the show) anymore. I now have time for either [tv] OR [exercise] OR OR [friends]. I have to choose what I want to do each night, because I only have so many free hours.

One thing I have had time for is the new Kygo album. I’ve been waiting for this guy to make a whole album because I really liked his first few singles. As I said on Twitter yesterday: “I never really listen to Robot-Deep-House-Dish Music, but this new Kygo is Chill as Fuuuuuuuuu…” (or something like that). The album dropped (because albums don’t “Come out” or “Get released” anymore, they DROP!) last Friday (also, now music drops on Friday, not Tuesdays like movies, because Best Buy said so). I didn’t know the album existed until Monday. Since Monday, I’ve listened to the album in its entirety at least 10 times, probably more than that.

The whole album has artists I never heard of on each track, but they all have Kygo’s killer beats and funky mixes with the artists singing. The only artist I did know on the album was John Legend, who sings Happy Birthday. Any song named Happy Birthday is going to be a hit, especially when featuring John Legend. Why will it be a hit? Because everyone has a birthday, and birthday’s are happening every day, and people are sick of the original happy birthday song and are always looking for some new version (The Beatles, 50 Cent, Uncle Luke).

For reals though, this album is super chill as Fuuuuuuuu…. And that’s the only way I can describe it. I plan on listening to it much more, maybe even while running. Definitely while grilling.

Just a few months ago I met Kygo, or I thought I was meeting him. It was just a kid wearing a Kygo hat, but I thought Hey, this Kygo guy isn’t that big of a deal yet, maybe this is really him. He did play along and pretend to be the real Kygo when I asked, “Oh, wait, you’re THE KYGO?” So, I will continue to tell people that I met the REAL KYGO.

Also the new M83 album is real dope. I’ve been listening to that one a lot too. Some of the songs may be weird, but overall the whole album is awesome. Ok goodnight, I’m about to play Kygo on my appleTV and go to sleep.

If you heard the new KYGO album, write a comment telling me if you think it’s “Chill as Fuuuuuuuu…” or not, and if you haven’t listened yet, then go listen. What are you waiting for? I’m not trying to tell you how to live your life, but seriously, go listen! Then comment.

*P.S. Please excuse any grammar errors, typos or whatever else is wrong with this. I wrote it when I was tired and even fell asleep somewhere in the middle for a bit with the computer on my chest. 

Stoner Tendencies

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Last night, I went to see Disney’s Zootopia with my BEARica. We walked into the dark theater and it was filled with moms and their horrible children. How do I know these children were horrible? The one behind me kicked my seat a few times and even started to yell and cry.

We were the only two non-parent, “young” adults (I guess I’m now classified as an adult? 30 years old is an adult, right?).

All the mothers’ eyes were staring at the two of us as we entered. I knew they all had the same thought on their minds, look at these silly stoners, coming in here to ruin our family-friendly, movie-experience.

First off, I am not a stoner. I just happen to love animated films. Especially those films created by Disney and/or Pixar (but also those created by Dreamworks and anyone else). Of course, it didn’t help that we walked in with a giant oversized soda, some popcorn, a hot dog, chicken fingers and an order of fries. We had so much food the food concierge gave me a cardboard platter to carry it all.

With the movie taking place during my dinner time (7:30-9:30), you better believe I brought a full meal in there with me. I would have snuck in some candy too, if I had more time before the movie. Movie candy is way too expensive. Movie everything is way too expensive. Only at sporting events, movie theaters, theme parks and Manhattan will people not question paying $12 for a soda.

This isn’t a movie review article, but Zootopia was totes awesome sauce! Just like every other Disney or Disney/Pixar movie ever made.

I guess what I’m saying is that although I am no stoner, I do have a few (or even more than just a few) stoner tendencies. And, I know that anytime I perform any of these stoner-type activities, people are always watching and judging. Do I care? No, not really. But, I can feel their thoughts and that’s enough to make me write about it (plus, I didn’t learn anything else this week).

Here are a few other stoner-ish pastimes I have been known take part in:

[1]
I will go to CVS or 7-11 past midnight just to buy a candy bar. And when I get there I will end up buying 2 to 3 candy bars when I notice that it’s buy two, get one FREE. I also will go to CVS at midnight or the next day after any “big candy” holiday. You have your Day after Valentine’s Day sale, your Easter Monday sale, your All Saints Day sale, and of course the big After-Christmas Clearance! My freshman year of college I had no car in Tallahassee and my birthday was Easter Monday, so as a birthday gift I made a friend drive me to CVS for cheap Easter candy.

[2]
I may also end up at Winn-Dixie 10 minutes before they close to buy ice cream making ingredients. To a stranger, it may look as if I’m going to throw a bunch of candy and sweet things in a blender with milk and heavy cream and drink away my sorrows. I mainly go to Winn-Dixie right around closing time to avoid the unwanted conversations with people I don’t want to run into.

[3]
I may end up at a FroGurt store, filling my bucket to the point where the scale can’t even read it. And I may be there with a friend. Also, we may be giggling like idiots at something stupid. But, trust me, we are not on drugs, we’re just hungry for some delicious sweetness.

We used to go to Cold Stone, but now it cost more than a normal meal. So, let me get this straight Cold Stone? You expect me to pay the same amount of cash as I just paid for a burger, fries and a beer? No thank you. I’m headed to FroGurtland or Gelatotown instead.

 

So, if you see me out and suspect me of being high on drugs, just remember, I’m not on drugs. I’m just fat, and love sweets and animated films, but I also love live-action films and regular food too.

So deal with it.

 

[Also, you should share this with people, so they can learn it’s ok to enjoy sweets and things without being on drugs.]

DON’T TALK TO STRANGERS

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As children we’re taught not to talk to strangers. Then we grow up to become one of two types of people: (1) those who talk to strangers, and (2) those who do not.

I’m the second type of person. I definitely do not talk to strangers. I have nothing to say to random people I run into at bars, in lines or at the grocery store. I barely even talk to the people I know, because most of you people are weirdos.

Some people think, now that I’m a grown up it’s ok to talk to strangers. And they are wrong!

Just because I rode one floor in an elevator with you, it doesn’t mean I have to tell you to have a good day. This elevator ride was less than a minute. Now let’s split up and go our separate ways, never to cross paths again. And if we do cross paths in the future, just pretend you don’t know me, because you don’t.

Don’t tell me what you’re about to order when I’m behind you in line at Shake Shack. I don’t care whether you get extra Shack Sauce or not. I don’t even care to ask the people I’m with what they ordered. I’m just here to get my Shack Burger, fries and frozen custard.

And definitely don’t try talking to me when you’re next to me at a urinal. I don’t know you, sir. And I definitely don’t want to get to know you right now, with my wiener in my hand and your wiener in yours. We’re both here to pee and leave.

Have you ever been at a car dealership, waiting on your vehicle and a veteran starts talking to you. Or any old person. It’s literally the worst thing that could ever happen. They start telling you all their racist political beliefs and you don’t give a damn, but you can’t say anything because they’re old and crazy and you don’t know what they’re capable of. You don’t know if this person is about to change your beliefs. So, you just shut up and nod your head in agreement. No, that’s never happened to you? Well it’s happened to me way too many times.

Maybe I don’t enjoy talking to strangers because only the strangest of the strange have talked to me. Maybe I should shave my face and stop looking like a homeless person with a job. Maybe it’s time for an extreme makeover to attract a different kind of stranger. A more normal, prettier type of stranger. One who will ask me interesting questions. Not someone who will tell me why they’re voting for Donald Trump, and why I should join the revolution.

Maybe it’s time to start talking to more strangers?

It’s just a theory…

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Ever since Jay-Z “retired” from music he’s gone into hiding. I don’t know if he’s into this Scientology stuff, if he’s a JeHOVah’s Witness, or if he’s just part of the Illuminati, but he’s definitely up to something.

This week I realized that I’m about 90-95% sure that Jay-Z had something to do with the “murder” of Prince (RIP Prince). Now, I wasn’t a huge fan or Prince, but I didn’t not like him either. The only Prince I really knew was Dave Chappelle’s portrayal of Prince in Charlie Murphy’s True Hollywood Story. Just as the death of David Bowie (who I already did appreciate before) got me listening to more Bowie, I was pretty sure the death of Prince would have me doing the same with his music.

It’s tough to listen to Prince’s music when you don’t have a Tidal subscription (like really tough, like almost impossible tough). I’m already subscribed to Spotify and Apple Music, I still haven’t been able to choose one to stick with. I like Apple Music since my whole music library is already on there with iTunes, also I can listen to Tay Tay, T.Swift, Swifty or whatever you want to call her. I was first a Spotify subscriber though and don’t want to give it up for my playlists, favorite artists and also because I can listen to it on my PS4 while I play games, all while controlling the music and volume from my iPhone or iPad (Technology Rocks!). I can literally play Star Wars while listening to the original Star Wars soundtracks (and I do it all the time).

So, I googled “how to [listen to Prince music],” as google suggested, since everyone else had already been searching. What I found was a bunch of articles. I felt like a detective who had just cracked a huge case. Apparently Prince had taken all music and videos off Spotify, Apple Music and YouTube and gone straight to Tidal, about a month ago.

Jay-Z definitely planned this whole thing. We don’t even know how Prince died. One day Prince is dead, then over the weekend Beyoncé happens to drop a new “secret album” with an hourlong documentary on HBO, but only for one day? Then, the next day all of this is on Tidal and Tidal only. If you want to (1) listen to Prince: GO TO TIDAL (2) Hear Beyoncé’s ‘Lemonade’: GO TO TIDAL, (3) watch Beyonce’s Lemonade Documentary: also, GO TO TIDAL.

I haven’t seen the full documentary yet, but it starts with Jay-Z cheating on Beyonce and how she dealt with it. I don’t buy that for a second. Have you seen how Jay-Z? He looks like a taller version of Beetlejuice (not Michael Keaton Beetlejuice.The weirdo, creeper from Howard Stern Beetlejuice). If you look like Beetlejuice and you get a Beyoncé you stay with Beyoncé. If anyone’s allowed to cheat on the other one, it’s Beyoncé. This whole “cheating scandal” was just a cover up to hide the real scandal: Jay-Z murdered Prince.

Accusing Jay-Z of murdering Prince is tough, because I grew up on Jay-Z. I owned and listened to all his albums. I watched his documentary, “Fade to Black.” But I don’t think I ever got to see him perform in person. Maybe one day, if he stays out of trouble and comes to perform in Miami, and tickets are FREE or cheap.

With the premiere of Game of Thrones being this weekend I thought of another thing about Prince. If Prince was a Game of Thrones character, he’d be Oberyn Martell. He’d be Oberyn because they both don’t discriminate. Prince and Oberyn both lie with women and men alike (or that’s what Prince wanted us to think). They were both royalty. Also, they were both full of potential, dying way too young and unexpectedly.
RIP Prince. I look forward to listening to your music for the next 27 days until I have to cancel my Tidal subscription before I get charged 25$ for HiFi service. I need to do a comparison between the sound of Apple Music, Spotify and Tidal’s HiFi, to see if it’s true or just a load of BS.

GAME, BLOUSES…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LEPUgJpgVH0

TAKE ME WITH YOU!

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This week I realized that the last heat game I went to was either during Year One of LeBron or Pre-LeBron. I can’t remember if LeBron was there or not. We were playing the Sixers and it was Black Friday. I know it was Black Friday because I had just mounted my new TV up on the wall that I bought that morning. Miss patty called me. The game had already started and she had just found out she had been given tickets. I kicked my friend out of my house telling him, “Get out! I’m going to Heat game!”  We arrived after or during halftime. So, the last time I went to a Heat game I only attended 50% or less.

Why am I telling you this? Because the playoffs have begun and I still haven’t been to a game this season (or the past four or five seasons). Someone needs to take me to a Heat playoff game before it’s too late, and I’m forced to wait for another season. You’re probably thinking I could just buy tickets, but they’re hard to find during the playoffs, plus they are extra expensive.

Even when we sucked it was impossible to get playoff tickets. You had to get a pre-pre-pre-sale code. One time I had a pre-sale code for Amex cardholders and they held like 2 or 3 pre-pre-pre-sales before they even got to the Amex one. By the time I was able to search on Ticketmaster everything was gone. I’ve gone down to the arena the morning of a game, with all the dirty ticket scalpers and that didn’t work out either.

As a kid I would watch every single Heat game on TV. Back when we were no good. I would sit in my room, wearing my Tim Hardaway jersey, holding onto my basketball, yelling at my TV while watching games. I was happy when we won, and very, very angry when we lost (which happened much more).


When I got to Tallahassee for college there were no more Heat games to watch. We were forced to watch the Magic and the Hawks, so I stopped watching basketball. I still had my ESPN updates and Gamecast to let me know what was going on. Some time after college I decided that sports weren’t as important as I thought they once were. With less free time I decided to waste my time watching my shows, movies and playing guitar and video games.

I still remember the day LeBron said those magical words, “I’ll be taking my talents to South Beach.” I’m sure he quickly realized that the Heat don’t actually play on South Beach, but instead in a much smellier, dirtier Downtown Miami. At first I was excited to have LeBron on our team. That first season I watched most of our games, and all of the playoffs. I would get extra angry any time we lost a game. We had LeBron, DWade and the Bosh-man. And all those other dudes too!

After that first season I decided I can’t watch all of these normal games, because I got too angry seeing us lose with the Big Three. I knew we would make the playoffs, even if we weren’t trying. So I waited until then to watch the games that actually counted.

That year we won, and the next year I went through the same thing. Since LeBron was here and even after he left I haven’t been able to follow a full Heat basketball season. This is why I need one of you to take me to a Heat Playoff game. Please, re-ignite the Heat down in my soul! I am ready to believe in the White Hot Heat again, but I just need to see it live to get excited.

Or maybe I’ll attend a game with a nice friendly friend who decides to take me. And afterwards I’ll decide that TV shows are more important. People actually work hard writing this stuff to entertain me. Sports are just a bunch of well-coordinated high school bullies who grew up and made a bunch of money (That’s not true, some of them are nice. Look at Chris Bosh, that guys a huge computer nerd).

I’m not going to say I’m done with sports, because I’m not. I still watch FSU and Dolphin football, because those are only once a week. And I will continue to watch my Chelsea Football (soccer) matches whenever I do wake up for them. However, movies and TV will take priority, and of course video games.
Thanks for listening. I look forward to hearing from one of you soon about going to one of these upcoming Heat games.

 

NOT A FAN…

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This isn’t something I recently learned, it’s something I’ve always known (maybe not always, maybe just since I finally visited one). I’m not a fan of strip clubs, and there are a few reasons why.

You may think one reason is because I believe in Women’s Rights. That’s not true. Yes, I do believe in Women’s Rights, and that’s why I think that any woman can choose whatever job she wants. Even if she wants to be a stripper. Hey it’s your body, do what you want with it. If one of my dude friends told me he wanted to be a man stripper, I’d say go ahead. Go get your man stripping on. Just don’t invite me to your job!

The main reason I don’t like visiting strip clubs is because I don’t want to find out what kind of people some of my friends really are. I like to think that I choose “good” people as friends, with a few exceptions (you know who you are…). At strip clubs, dudes let out their real feelings about the world, women and nasty buffets (if you go to a strip club for the food, you are definitely a bad person and no one should be friends with you).

People will show their true “Donald Trump” side at a strip club. Saying horrible things about these sweet ladies who are taking off their clothes just for your entertainment. Most guys just become construction workers at a strip club. They yell out all kinds of things to these strippers that they would never say to any girl on the street (unless there happened to be outdoor strip clubs).

I don’t want to know if one of my friends is that creepy guy who stands right in front of the stage with one dollar in his hand, waiting as the stripper goes from guy to guy, collecting their dirty money with her mouth. These guys just continue standing there, like “Oh, I’m next! So exciting!” Forget about sloppy seconds, you’re in the sloppy 1000s, buddy.

I try to give everyone I meet a chance to show me they’re an OK person before I decide they suck. This is not true while driving, because everyone on the road sucks at life (and at driving). But if I meet someone in a strip club, that’s already weird. You don’t go to strip clubs to meet people, unless we’re discussing some type of law breaking activities while we’re there. I’m definitely going to decide that person is a crappy person just from that one encounter.

I could just go alone to the strip clubs I guess, but that would be super creepy. Also, what if I run into someone I know at the strip club? Someone who I probably don’t like, because “Nice” people don’t hang out at strip clubs on a Tuesday.

Now that person thinks I’m a dirtbag too and I already think the same about them. Plus, I have to go talk to them now, “I know it’s a Tuesday and I’m hanging out at this strip club, but I just want to let you know I’m not like a strip club regular.” and they’ll have to answer with the same thing, “Oh yeah, totally. Me either, just waiting for someone to meet me here, then we’re going to the Olive Garden.”

I also don’t feel very safe in a strip club. Anytime I’ve ever entered a strip club in a GTA (Grand Theft Auto) game the sh*t always goes down! Someone gets shot, people are killed and horrible things happen. Every time. It’s just not a safe place to be. Maybe I should blame video games and movies. Most strip club scenes in movies don’t end very happy either.

I love the women and support their rights, and also any career choices they make. But that doesn’t mean I have to go to a strip club to show my support. So, if I don’t go to a strip club with you there’s nothing wrong with me. There’s probably something wrong with you.

BIRTHDAYS ARE WEIRD, RIGHT?

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This past Monday was my 30th birthday and if you didn’t say “Happy Birthday” by now, you’re already too late. I don’t care. Birthday’s are weird, right? Especially since the creation of the Facebook. I think Mark Zuckerberg created Facebook so he could have a database of all his friends’ birthdays. That’s not true. Mark Zuckerberg created Facebook because he had no friends and thought it would help, or was it because of his ex-girlfriend, Rooney Mara? It doesn’t matter why he did it, what matters is that he ruined birthdays.

Remember a time before Facebook? I’m talking pre-2004. When people had to remember their friends’ birthdays in their brain, or on a calendar. You would have to call your closest friends at 12:01 on their birthday, which later became a text anytime between 12:01 and 12:15. When you remembered someone’s birthday it was sweet, it could’ve even been enough to get someone to like you (not Facebook ‘Like,’ but like a real-life LIKE).

Then Facebook came along and ruined it. Now we’re bombarded daily with everyone’s birthdays and there’s no excuse to forget it. Also, you have to make a choice:

It’s Stacy’s birthday today! Hm, is Stacy a phone call friend? A text message friend? A Facebook post friend? A Facebook message friend? Do I give her a Facebook post and a text message? Do I call her at midnight, but then write on her wall tomorrow? What should I write on her wall? Just Happy Birthday? Happy Bday? Maybe just HBD, but that sounds like some weird kind of disease. Definitely not HBD. How about something more personal? Should I write a joke about that one time we kissed on the mouth? Should I make her an Instagram collage? Maybe a special tweet?

Facebook has now opened a can of birthday worms, and this can is opened daily. Some days there are like 10 birthdays, and I’m forced to choose my top 2 to 4 of them and write those people a message.

[TANGENT ALERT!] Do you know someone who gets really, really excited anytime they find out they share their birthday with someone else? Hey idiot! There are about 7.125 billion people in the world, but there’s only 365 days in each year, I think you’re going to share your birthday with a few people. Like million of them. (Also, I get excited about this too, unless it’s a shitty person).

When you think about it, birthdays shouldn’t really be that special. You didn’t do anything to be born. Birthdays are like buttholes, because everyone has one. Even Hitler had a birthday, and a butthole. So, that’s two things you now have in common with Hitler.

If anything we should give our parents gifts on our birthday, like the way Jesus does it. He sends his buddy, Scott Calvin a.k.a. Santa Claus to hand out gifts to everyone (as long as you’re a Cathy). I’m pretty sure this is how Santa got his job:

Hey Jesus! What you gonna do for your birthday?

Uh… I’m gonna give everyone presents!

Everyone?

Yup! Everyone! Well, everyone who believes in me.

Well, you better get started. You got a lot of followers.

I’m not gonna do it myself.

What? Who’s gonna give out presents for your birthday to other people?

Shoot! I’ll have that old dude that lives up North do it.

He’s got those magical deer.

You mean Old Saint Nick!

Yeah, him! What else is he gonna do on my birthday?

We don’t have to give presents to everyone for our birthday, just to our parents (but maybe not, because parents each have their own special day).

Even though birthday’s aren’t really that special I will continue to celebrate yours, mine and ours. And I will continue to post on your walls, text you, call you, Instagram collage you, and whatever new technology comes out. I’ll even WUPHF.com you if I have to. So, happy birthday to me and to everyone else this year.

THE END!

HOW DELETING FACEBOOK FROM MY PHONE SAVED MY LIFE AND MY PHONE’S [BATTERY] LIFE

 

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I have friends who are on their phone about 90% of their day. They are constantly searching for a spot to charge their phone, because no matter how many times they’ve already charged it today, their phone is always about to die. They keep their phones at 0%, 100% of the time, because their face is constantly glued to it.

It annoys me when friends do this while hanging out with me or a group of us. It’s like, “Why are you even here? You can sit in your room and look at IMGUR, Reddit or whatever it is you’re doing, do it on your own time. Just don’t pull this crap on my time!”

It’s also like, “Guess who just called? The world. And you missed that call because you were too busy staring at a screen, but guess what? The world will call back, because it’s always calling, and you’re keeping it on hold. So, why don’t you just answer next time.” You know what I mean?

I too become obsessed with my phone, when I’m by myself. When I’m walking around town, picking up food, even driving in my car — which I know is very bad. I’ve seen the commercials of what could happen, I even made a horrible video, when I learned how to use a green screen in Ad School.

I guess I have the same problem as the ones who annoy me, just when nobody is around. My biggest problem is the Facebook iPhone app. I unlock my phone and my thumb jumps straight to opening the Facebook app — even when Facebook is already opened on my computer or my iPad right in front of me. It’s become a muscle memory.

This is why for Lent, I decided to give up two things. The first is using my phone while driving. I have been putting it away in the center console once I bluetooth my phone to the car. I get my podcast or music going, then I put my phone away and drive. I can now actually recall how I arrived at a place. I enjoy what I’m listening to. And I don’t almost get into multiple accidents every time I drive.

The second thing I gave up was Facebook — on my iPhone. I’m not addicted to Facebook, but it annoys me how I go on there when I have nothing to do on my phone. I’m better off playing Angry Birds, Hearthstone or reading articles and actually learning something — instead of reading Melanie’s* post on why she hates Donald Trump.

I deleted Facebook from my phone — including Facebook messenger. I deleted both the day before Ash Wednesday, because the Today show said that those two apps are what kill your phone battery. And it’s true. After just one day my phone had over 50% battery by the end of the day, and that never happens. After this I thought, Hey, I should give up Facebook on my phone for LENT, or all together.

I still check it on my computer, on my iPad at night, and if I really have to I can log on through Safari on my phone and it won’t murder my battery.

These two things have made my life better. I don’t get stupid notifications to my phone about Melanie** ‘liking’ my post. Or ‘[YOUR FRIEND] liked a picture of [NOT YOUR FRIEND]’, if I don’t know someone why are you telling me about it? Instead I now just get Twitter notifications about the Bachelor and who he’s going to choose tonight. You write one #TheBachelorSucks tweet and it haunts you forever.

I also don’t have to deal with Facebook trying to turn me into a stalker. “[YOUR FRIEND] is eating lunch two feet away from you. Maybe you should say hi!” Remember when they would send you those to your phone? It was always someone that you wouldn’t want to say hi too. It was more of a “Thanks Facebook, now I can avoid this person and leave through this back alley.”

So, try deleting Facebook’s multiple apps from your phone and watch how it improves the quality of life for both you and your phone. Also, pay attention to your friends when you’re with them. You never know how long you’ll have them around — you can get hit by a bus crossing the street as you stare at your phone, tomorrow.

 

*Melanie is a fictional character. I didn’t know who of my friends to choose for this part because everyone of them hates Donald Trump. So, I made one up.

**Same fake Melanie as before.