If you’re getting married and have invited me to your wedding, don’t expect something off your wedding registry. That’s just greedy. I’m not Santa Claus and your wedding isn’t Christmas, don’t give me a checklist of what you want. Plus, if I get you something off of a checklist, how will you remember what I got you. You’ll just have a house full of forgettable kitchen appliances never knowing who or where they came from. My gift will have no meaning.

That is why I choose my own gift when I go to a wedding. An original piece of art is way better than a stupid bread maker or a Ninja blender (Ninja blenders are pretty cool, but you can buy that on your own time). In the past I have given people a picture of myself and some cash. A picture that I will not talk about, because the only way you will receive it is if you invite me to your wedding (and I like you as a couple), or if you are a very important person in my heart (or if it’s your birthday or Christmas and I totally forgot to get you a gift, but I have one of these pictures lying around in my closet).

Another thing I’m going to start doing is making people gifts (original artwork by me). When you make someone a gift, they’ll always remember who gave it to them, because you can sign it on the bottom. Also, they will have to put up your artwork on the wall for the world to see. It may get the attention of some rich houseguest one day who will offer to buy it, but they won’t sell it because they value your friendship more than that. The rich art fan will then contact you and offer you tons of money to make him an original work of art. And that is how I plan to become a rich artist.

So, if you’re looking for a breadmaker, Ninja blender, some wine glasses or some other crap then you shouldn’t invite me to your wedding. If you really want that toaster I’ll get it for you, but my face will be painted on it. However, if you want a memorable gift that you will forever cherish and always remember where it came from then you should definitely invite me to your next wedding.

P.S. If I ever have a wedding it will probably have a wedding registry and I expect all of you people to buy me all of the things on it for my new home, or else my future wife will probably be very mad.

A few weeks ago I realized “I’ve made a huge mistake,” when I decided to shave my face clean for the first time since Movember in 2008 or 2009. It was all for a Back to the Future party. I really wanted to win best costume and I didn’t win, so in the end I shaved for no reason at all. The prizes were BTTF Funko toys, and I already own a better version of one of the prizes, but I love winning stupid contests.

My costume was Elijah Wood from Back to the Future 2. I had to shave because in BTTF2 Elijah Wood was just a young boy, and young boy’s don’t usually have beards (I’m not even sure if grown up Elijah Wood can grow a beard?). Not only did I shave, but I built the sweet ass future hat he wore in the movie. I also built his weird future belt and golden suspenders, which you don’t notice in the picture, but you only see if you’re watching the film closely.

I try not to completely shave my face ever, because when I do it just looks wrong. You can’t tell where my face ends and my neck starts if there’s no hair on my face to show you. It’s like a talking blob on top of a weird-shaped body. Maybe it’s just weird because I normally have a beard, but either way I’m keeping the beard (it also keeps my face warm, and adds an extra layer of protection in case I run into anything).

Another reason why shaving for this party was stupid is that Halloween was the next weekend. So, for Halloween in order to be Jake Johnson in Jurassic World I had to wear a fake mustache. A fake mustache that only lasted about 10 minutes before it fell off for good. Then people just thought I was someone who hates Halloween, but loves Jurassic Park.

The idea for my Jake Johnson costume came from me watching Jurassic World on Halloween day, and thinking to myself, Hey, I have a Jurassic Park shirt. I can do that! Most of the people didn’t get the costume, which happens with most of my costume (even Elijah Wood in BTTF2). Some people hadn’t seen Jurassic World yet, others were just dumb and don’t remember movies.

By now it’s been a few weeks and my face is looking kind of normal again. I plan to let my beard grow until next Halloween, but who knows what will happen. Also, I learned that there’s some nasty stuff growing in beards. When Will Forte was on The Tonight Show the other night they tested his beard and found lots of weird stuff, but luckily there was no poop.

WILL FORTE ON JFALZ

I will continue to have a beard, but I will keep it cleaner. Using Shampoo and Conditioner to make sure I keep the yeast, dirt and especially the poop out.

Last week I went to the movies by myself for the first time in my (almost) 30 years of existence. Before last tuesday there was only one time that I even thought hard about going to the movies by myself — I was in Tallahassee and the documentary “It might get loud” came out (with Jack White, the Edge and Jimmy Page). I asked my friend who played guitar if she wanted to go with me one weekend. She got too drunk on Saturday and never woke up on Sunday (not really never, she woke up eventually). At around noon I decided I would go by myself, but I think I stayed home playing video games instead. I waited about a year to rent the movie on Netflix (pre-streaming) on disc.

There is a good reason why I ended up at the movies by myself last Tuesday. What had happened was I went to eat lunch with my friend in the grove. When I got back to my car, some idiot had parked in front of me where there was only about 3/4 of a parking spot. This dum-dum decided to back up all the way onto the hood of my car, real tight. I probably should have left a little more room behind me, but there was a fire hydrant behind that car, and I thought no one was dumb enough to try and park in front of me (but it’s Miami, and people who drive cars are that dumb).

I could have called the parking authorities to get the car towed, since they were partially sticking out over the curb and into a parking lot entrance. I thought that would be rude, even though this person was already a dick for parking in front of me, where there was no space. After waiting 10 minutes in my car, I decided to go to the stores that interested me in the grove. After visiting the two stores that interest me (Tervis & the surf shop) I came back and saw both cars still sandwiching mine in.

I continued walking past my car and visited the bookstore in the grove, but didn’t buy anything because I have way too many books to read already and not enough time to read them all. After about an hour of killing time at the bookstore I went back and both cars were still there. I called my boss (dad) to let him know that I was stuck in the grove, “maybe they went to the movies, who knows when they’ll be back,” he told me.

That’s when I decided I shouldn’t just sit around waiting, so I went to see what movies were playing right then. Sicario was starting in the next 10 minutes, so I bought a ticket for that. It’s weird that when the theater allows you to pick your own seat, it automatically chooses the one next to a stranger (maybe it was because I was only buying one ticket. It’s like the computer was saying, “Are you sure you don’t want to make a new friend?”). In the movie theater it was me (by myself) and one weird couple. A couple who probably went to the movies at 2pm on a weekday just to make out. Now, how strange it would have been if I bought the seat next to them, and sat there for 2 hours in a completely empty theater, “You guys want some popcorns?”.

The good thing about going to the movies by yourself is that you can buy all the snacks you want and none of your friends can judge you. You don’t have to share any of these snacks with anyone. I ate all the popcorn and drank all the soda. You can put the arm rests up if you want and just lay down or put your feet up. You can IMDB stuff during the movie without having to worry about bothering anyone with the light of your phone screen (even though I know people who play on their phone the whole movie, with the screen on the brightest setting. It’s very distracting, Rick!).

The bad part about going to the movies by yourself is that you’re by yourself. This is especially depressing when you walk into a theater to find one lonely couple. Also, if this couple just wants to make out and the girl doesn’t know how to whisper. It also sucks if you’re not paying attention and miss a line, you can’t ask your friend “What did he say?” (Even though whenever anyone asks me that I just say “Uh, I don’t know?”). Also, you have no one to provide commentary to about the stupid things that happen in the movie.

Will I ever go to see a movie by myself again? Probably not, unless I fall into this situation again or something similar. Movies by myself are better at home on the couch, on my chair or in my bed.

After the movie I returned to my car to find the dum-dum still parked in front of me. However, someone else had parked behind me. Someone who knows how to park, and left me enough room to leave.

This is what I left for the dum-dum, idiot face (in case you missed it because you don’t follow me on instagrams, twitters or anywhere… @ferdonkers).

I can’t believe I wasted this doodle on that piece of garbage…

By now everyone should know that this past Wednesday (10.21.2015) was Back to the Future day. In the second Back to the Future film (Back to the Future II) Marty and Doc travel to this day in the future. The internet kept talking about all the predictions from the movie. What was right and what was wrong? The Cubs happened to lose that night, losing any chances they had at winning the World Series against the Miami Alligators (BTTFII was WRONG about the Cubbies).

The two things most of us want to see are self-tying Nikes and Hoverboards. We saw Michael J. Fox show off his self-tying Nikes which are a huge deal, especially for someone with Parkinson’s. But do Hoverboards really exist? Are they real yet? The answer is kind of. Lexus created a Hoverboard, but how do we know this video and other Hoverboard videos are real? Back to the Future II was released in 1989, and the effects they used to have Marty and Griff and his crew float around on Hoverboards was already pretty believable. So, imagine how easy it is to fake it today, in the real 2015.

I don’t really care if the hoverboard videos are real or fake. What I care about is this:

Why does this thing exist? What I learned this week is that this thing is called a “Hoverboard.” But why?

In no way is this handlebar-less electric scooter an actual Hoverboard. It doesn’t hover. If it did it wouldn’t need wheels. This machine is just a Hands-free Segway. It’s also the #1 laziest way to get around town.

I see the future obese kids of Key Biscayne riding around on them all the time. Not only are these things the laziest form of transportation, but you also look like an idiot riding one. Of all the people I’ve seen on these “Hoverboards,” not one of them knows what to do with their hands. Their arms are crossed. They hang their arms straight down (like stupid mouth-breathing,“hoverboardin’-ass, idiot-faces). They’re playing on their phones. No matter what they’re doing, they always look super bored.

RIDE A SKATEBOARD YOU BIG FAT LAZY…

At least when kids wore Heely shoes (I don’t know if they’re still around) they had to walk or run before rolling across the mall floor. I kind of don’t hate Heely’s as much anymore. On this “Hoverboard” you just stand there and it moves you. It’s like a moving sidewalk that you can actually control (or is it controlling you? Nobody knows). It’s like the movie Wall-E is coming true, and soon we’ll all be a bunch of fat lazys, drinking our food through straws.

These fake “Hoverboards” are the new selfie sticks. They’re even releasing one with bluetooth speakers.

If I have to listen to your “Hoverboard” blasting music, I don’t know how I’m going to hold myself back from smashing it into a million pieces until the music finally stops.

So, if you or someone you know owns and rides a “hoverboard,” then I probably don’t like you. It’s not your fault you suck, maybe you don’t know the difference between right and wrong. Maybe no one taught you, but you will learn soon enough when the world throws you off your stupid “Hoverboard” and onto the ground face first.

Thanks for reading. See you next week. Until then I leave you with this:

You mouth-breathing, “Hoverboarding” Idiot-Faces wish you looked this cute on your stupid ass “Hoverboard.” Not even with a shark suit.

Hi friends (and strangers who have stumbled upon this wonderful world of knowledge), It’s been awhile since my last learning. A few months. That doesn’t mean I haven’t learned anything in those months. I have been learning a whole heap (as usual, my brain is like a sponge), and I’ve even written some of it down. I still have to finish putting these new learnings together so that I could start posting them weekly (or bi-weekly) once again. Sometimes life gets in the way of things, but here are a few speed learnings that I found in my iPhones Notes and quickly wrote for you to enjoy.

[1]

One thing I learned a few months back is that there is a Harry Potter-themed indie music scene. Like a whole scene. There are bands. Not just one band, but many who are dedicated to making wonderful music inspired by J.K. Rowling’s fantastical world of Harry Potter. Of all the Harry Potter-themed bands I’ve heard, my favorite was Harry and the Potters, which if you are a fan of the books, movies or just a fan of the strange snacks and toys you can find in Diagon Alley at Universal you should give them a listen. The music of Harry and the Potters goes through the story of Harry Potter, but in a quick way. It’s a good way to catch up if you don’t like reading or watching movies, but if you don’t like reading or watching movies then you are probably a horrible person.  

Here are some other bands with fun Harry Potter names: Draco and the Malfoys (because why wouldn’t they be called that), The Remus Lupins, The Whomping Willows, Ministry of Magic, The Weasel King, The Butterbeer Experience, Oliver Boyd and the Remembralls, The Moaning Myrtles, The Misuse of Muggle Artifacts Office, RiddleTM, The Parselmouths. Check out the endless list yourself. Get on your Spotify or Apple Music and search for any of these bands. Then, click related artists to find a whole new world of Harry Potter.

[2]

This second learning also has to do with music — Apple Music. Anytime I try to give it a chance the same thing goes wrong. Either I’m driving or about to go running and I think, Hey, let’s give this Apple Music a shot. I search through their strange search engine for a band I want to listen to. I find an album (because I don’t know how to shuffle ALL THE MUSIC), and hit play on whatever song. Next, the song begins to play but I hear no sound, or the song just freezes and there is no sound. My final step in this process of testing Apple Music is closing the app and jumping on to Spotify which works every time, 110% of the time.

Apple Music can learn a thing or two from Spotify. Like how to make the music play, when I push play.

[3]

This third and last learning for today is something I’ve always known, but I realized how stupid it is the other day. Why does every printer use a different type of ink? Can all the printer companies have a convention to decide on a few universal ink cartridges for printers? I understand that some printers are color and some are only black and white. Some are made for home and some are made for offices that are printing nonstop every day. Even if each company decided to make their universal cartridges for black and white or color for homes, and special ones for offices, that would make it that much easier when you need ink. It’s such a pain any time I need printer ink I have to look up my printers name, or search for the cartridge model. It should be as simple as “Hi, I have an HP home printer.” Then they ask if it’s black and white or color, and you answer, “black and white,” and they hand you the cartridge and you leave. First, you have to pay, but in an ideal world with universal printer cartridges they would also be free.
So, those are three small things I learned. Or one thing I discovered and was very excited about. Another thing I’m not happy about and something I already knew, but I just thought about how stupid it is. Enjoy your week. And I hope to share some new knowledge next week.

A few weeks ago I watched GOING CLEAR the Scientology documentary on HBO. I have always made jokes about Scientology without knowing anything about it, so I thought it was time to learn. Now that I know a little more about Scientology I don’t feel bad, because it’s way worse than I thought.

Before GOING CLEAR I thought that Scientology was just a way for rich, famous people to not pay taxes. I also believed it to be much newer than it actually is. It is pretty new when compared to the religions of the world, but I thought that the leader, L. Ron Hubbard was still alive. L. Ron Hubbard, the creator of Scientology died in January 1986, two months before I was born. He based Scientology off of some science fiction stories he had written. In the videos I have seen of L. Ron he has a very creepy face, and I don’t like it. He does not look like someone I would want to associate myself with. I wouldn’t get a beer with this guy, even if he was paying (and was still alive).

The whole “religion” is based on brainwashing people, stealing their money and keeping them away from non-Scientologists (there’s probably more to it, but I wasn’t paying attention during the whole thing). L. Ron wrote another book called Dianetics or Diabetics or Diuretics which I have not read yet, but hope to pick up this weekend at my local B&N (I just got a B&N 20% off coupon, so I plan to use it this weekend). This book is like the Scientology Bible, I guess (maybe my next learning will be about this book).

If you took away the science fiction stories, the brainwashing, the beating of people, the weird accents, and the stealing of my money Scientology might not be that bad. If you’re lucky you might get to meet Tom Cruise. Every time Tom Cruise appears at any Scientology event they play the Mission:Impossible theme (I wish I had my own theme song).

We need to save Tom Cruise from Scientology, he’s much better than these people. Before GOING CLEAR I thought of Tom Cruise as the Number 1 greatest human of all time, after GOING CLEAR he has moved down the list. Maybe to Number 2 or 3.

I wonder if they play “Grease Lightning” when John Travolta appears at events? I think John Travolta was the bait to catch Tom Cruise, once they got Tom Cruise they stopped caring about Travolta (he doesn’t even know how to read). John Travolta was a Scientologist before he was Vinnie Barbarino on WELCOME BACK, KOTTER. Sorry John Travolta, you can not be saved after being a part of this for so long. Also, your career is practically over anyways, #DealWithIt, Danny Zuko (he ain’t gonna be in Grease 3).

The Scientology conventions are where it’s at. These conventions seem to be a better time than any CON I’ve ever been to (COMIC, MEGA, SUPER, WONDER…). The top-tier Thetans (aka Scientology-beliebers) get Military-style uniforms and perform intense handshakes on stage. These conventions even have indoor fireworks. Better fireworks than I’ve seen at Disney Parks, outdoors.

If I ever did get into Scientology, I would definitely try to stick around for a few years. I definitely want to be invited to a Tom Cruise birthday party, and see some goofy, rich white people-dancing. They didn’t show much of the parties in the documentary, but I bet Scientology throws the best parties (full of the best booze and heavy drugs), and I hope to be invited to one some day.

If you haven’t seen GOING CLEAR and you aren’t sure how you feel about Scientology, you should definitely watch it. Here is how I felt while watching GOING CLEAR:

First 30 minutes — This is weird.

Next 30 minutes — These people are crazy.

Final hour — This is fucked up!

Please enjoy this video. It should help you with your decision on whether or not to pursue Scientology.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XyNh1j3dsp8

A few weeks ago I downloaded Tinder, and it wasn’t just to meet strangers. I have always wondered why no one has made a Tinder-parody out of Pitbull and Ke$ha’s Timber. It would be so simple:

“It’s going down.

I’m on that TINDER.

Two swipes to the left.

Then one to the right.

Let’s make a night

I’m yellin’ TINDER!

This girl is fine,

She got three kids

(Pitbull: Left Swipe)”

And that only took me less than one minute. Imagine what Weird Al could do with that song. 

I’m not writing this to tell you how to write a parody song. I actually learned a lot from using Tinder for one or two weeks. Here are the ten things I learned about Tinder, in Orlando:

1 80% of the girls on Tinder (in Orlando) work for Disney.

I thought Disney was a magical place, full of love and happiness. I guess it’s just a place where lonely people work, so they can have no time to go out and meet new people. Instead, they are forced to make Tinder profiles showing off how much they love Disney.

2 10% of the girls on Tinder are fake sex robots

Sometimes you find a match and you get a message right away, with a link. “Meet me at my SexDojo.com if you’re down to fool around.” (but much dirtier than that…). Don’t click on the link! Your phone will blow up, literally.

3 Sometimes you run into a familiar face on the Tinder

The other day I found a girl I actually know, we are even Facebook friends. I swiped like, because someone I know is less likely to murder me. She didn’t swipe like on me, or she hasn’t found me yet, cause we still aren’t a match. :0(

4 Every 21 year old that says, “Not here to hook up” has at least 3 kids

You probably said that to the last three dudes you met, and now they’re your three baby daddies. That’s way too many kids for a 21 year old. One kid is probably too many kids for a 21 year old.

5 Sometimes you get random dudes that show up.

Hey Gays, You have you’re own Tinder, it’s called Grinder. Get back on the Grind and leave me alone. I don’t have time to be swiping on dudes.

6 If I have something in common with any girl it’s usually that we both “like” Buddy the Elf on Facebook

Back in college I “Liked” a page on Facebook called Buddy the Elf, and apparently so did every girl in Orlando. Now that is what most of us have in common, that or liking Bradley Cooper, Chris Pratt, or JGL.

7 After too many swipes to the NOPE side, you start to feel really bad about yourself

Sometimes you go on a hot streak of swiping to the left (NOPE) too many times and you instantly feel like you’ve done something wrong. ‘Who am I to judge all these women from just one picture?’ I am no King. Seeing a big red NOPE doesn’t make it any better.

8 A good amount of the girls on Tinder are just trying to gain more Instagram followers

“Follow me on Instagram and Snapchat!” is something you see on many profiles. This isn’t a social media networking app. Tinder is for serious people who want to meet new friends in real life, or who want to lie to strangers over their phone using a third-party text messaging app.

9 There are a lot of liars on Tinder

Sometimes you find a girl and her age says 25 or something appropriate, but once you click to learn more the first thing you read is “Actually 16, but who’s counting.” Go meet people in the real world you young floozie.

10 If they have a picture with a kid and it’s not there’s you will see “Relax! That’s just my nephew.”

This is just a test. These girls are putting the picture of them with a child to make sure you actually read what they wrote about themselves in the profile. When you match with them they will probably say to themselves, ‘Aw, he read my cute bio…’

When you think about it, Tinder is just a modern day AOL chat room, but it’s on your phone and local and usually with real people (not just pedophiles). You meet new people, you lie about everything, and sometimes you get to see them in real life and hopefully not get murdered. So, overall Tinder is a fun way to waste time. It’s sort of like the new Candy Crush for me, but I’m actually interacting with real people, sometimes.

Today I learned that this weekend Leo Dicaprio left the club with 20 ladies, so did Dan Bilzerian (who does this pretty much every weekend). The difference between the two is that Dan decided to kick one of his 20 ladies in the face, and that’s not cool. This is why I unfriended Dan Bilzerian on the Instagram (enjoy not seeing my awesome food pictures Dan the lady beater). I suggest that everyone unfollow this trust fund baby, lady beater (I really hope Marky Mark was rude to him on the set of Lone Survivor).

This learning is not about lady beating, because that is not a fun topic. I want to talk more about leaving the club with 20 ladies. Which is just bonkers to me. I wouldn’t know what to do with so many ladies all at once, my brain would explode. Plus, they all must have been smoking hot since Leo is the one who took them home (and he’s an A-list movie star).

Here are a few things I would think to do with 20 smoking hot women: I could take them to an empty field and have my own private lingerie football game for me to enjoy. I could take them to a basketball court and have a four team five-on-five basketball tourney, with myself as the all-time ref. I could even have them play an intense game of dodgeball, kickball, hockey or any other made up sport. I would probably just take them to a lazer tag arena, and have a wild lazer tag game.

I would definitely not be able to take 20 ladies to my apartment. My living area only has room for 10-12 to sit comfortably, with maybe 2-4 to fit in my bed. That’s a total of 16 people, with the other five standing around awkwardly (yes, there are five left you math wiz. 20 ladies + 1 me = 21).

What about transportation for 20 women? You definitely need a Hummer limo or party bus. My X-terra holds 5 comfortably, maybe 7-8 maxed out. Have fun walking the rest of you ladies, at least you’ll have each other to keep you company.

I feel like leaving the club with 5 ladies is already too much. It’s hard enough for me to try to handle one lady. I can’t wait to see a news story about what Leo did all night with all these ladies in his hotel room. Mario Kart? Monopoly? Leo Movie Marathon? Cards Against Humanity? If anyone has any information regarding what went down in that hotel room, please let me know. Also, #LockUpDanBilzerian!

Not too long ago, I learned that people in cars are weird. I became aware when some random guy asked me for directions while driving down US1! “Hey man, I’m trying to get to the keys, do I just go straight?” (Talking to strangers while driving is probably just as unsafe as ‘texting and driving,’ maybe even worse). 

I told him, “Sure” although I wasn’t 100% sure, so I phoned a friend (actually texted a friend while driving, but I was at a red light, so I guess it was fine) to make sure I was right. I just wanted to make sure I was right for myself, if they told me I was wrong it was already too late to tell the guy. He would have ended up driving to God-knows-where. Lucky for him, I was right. 

I bet there is a better, quicker way to get to the keys, but this guy didn’t deserve to know it. First off, it’s 2014 guy! You shouldn’t be asking random drivers for directions. Get a damn iPhone, man! Second, go to any store on your way to the keys and buy a shirt! (Did I mention that this guy was driving shirtless?)

***Here are the only times a boy is allowed to drive shirtless: 

1. You are coming from the gym and your shirt got drenched in sweat

2. You are coming from the beach, and the drive home is less than 5 miles

3. You got rained on and you don’t want to get sick

4. The only way you were able to afford your car is by not buying anymore t-shirts, ever

I know for certain that any one can find a free shirt somewhere. I have tons of free shirts. Free shirts are my favorite shirts to wear.

I was driving with my windows down, which I barely do anymore, and that is why I was verbally attacked by this stranger. So, I guess the moral of this story is to always drive with the windows up, or strange shirtless dudes will ask you weird questions. Also, get an iPhone or droid, everyone!