If you’re getting married and have invited me to your wedding, don’t expect something off your wedding registry. That’s just greedy. I’m not Santa Claus and your wedding isn’t Christmas, don’t give me a checklist of what you want. Plus, if I get you something off of a checklist, how will you remember what I got you. You’ll just have a house full of forgettable kitchen appliances never knowing who or where they came from. My gift will have no meaning.

That is why I choose my own gift when I go to a wedding. An original piece of art is way better than a stupid bread maker or a Ninja blender (Ninja blenders are pretty cool, but you can buy that on your own time). In the past I have given people a picture of myself and some cash. A picture that I will not talk about, because the only way you will receive it is if you invite me to your wedding (and I like you as a couple), or if you are a very important person in my heart (or if it’s your birthday or Christmas and I totally forgot to get you a gift, but I have one of these pictures lying around in my closet).

Another thing I’m going to start doing is making people gifts (original artwork by me). When you make someone a gift, they’ll always remember who gave it to them, because you can sign it on the bottom. Also, they will have to put up your artwork on the wall for the world to see. It may get the attention of some rich houseguest one day who will offer to buy it, but they won’t sell it because they value your friendship more than that. The rich art fan will then contact you and offer you tons of money to make him an original work of art. And that is how I plan to become a rich artist.

So, if you’re looking for a breadmaker, Ninja blender, some wine glasses or some other crap then you shouldn’t invite me to your wedding. If you really want that toaster I’ll get it for you, but my face will be painted on it. However, if you want a memorable gift that you will forever cherish and always remember where it came from then you should definitely invite me to your next wedding.

P.S. If I ever have a wedding it will probably have a wedding registry and I expect all of you people to buy me all of the things on it for my new home, or else my future wife will probably be very mad.