By now everyone should know that this past Wednesday (10.21.2015) was Back to the Future day. In the second Back to the Future film (Back to the Future II) Marty and Doc travel to this day in the future. The internet kept talking about all the predictions from the movie. What was right and what was wrong? The Cubs happened to lose that night, losing any chances they had at winning the World Series against the Miami Alligators (BTTFII was WRONG about the Cubbies).

The two things most of us want to see are self-tying Nikes and Hoverboards. We saw Michael J. Fox show off his self-tying Nikes which are a huge deal, especially for someone with Parkinson’s. But do Hoverboards really exist? Are they real yet? The answer is kind of. Lexus created a Hoverboard, but how do we know this video and other Hoverboard videos are real? Back to the Future II was released in 1989, and the effects they used to have Marty and Griff and his crew float around on Hoverboards was already pretty believable. So, imagine how easy it is to fake it today, in the real 2015.

I don’t really care if the hoverboard videos are real or fake. What I care about is this:

Why does this thing exist? What I learned this week is that this thing is called a “Hoverboard.” But why?

In no way is this handlebar-less electric scooter an actual Hoverboard. It doesn’t hover. If it did it wouldn’t need wheels. This machine is just a Hands-free Segway. It’s also the #1 laziest way to get around town.

I see the future obese kids of Key Biscayne riding around on them all the time. Not only are these things the laziest form of transportation, but you also look like an idiot riding one. Of all the people I’ve seen on these “Hoverboards,” not one of them knows what to do with their hands. Their arms are crossed. They hang their arms straight down (like stupid mouth-breathing,“hoverboardin’-ass, idiot-faces). They’re playing on their phones. No matter what they’re doing, they always look super bored.

RIDE A SKATEBOARD YOU BIG FAT LAZY…

At least when kids wore Heely shoes (I don’t know if they’re still around) they had to walk or run before rolling across the mall floor. I kind of don’t hate Heely’s as much anymore. On this “Hoverboard” you just stand there and it moves you. It’s like a moving sidewalk that you can actually control (or is it controlling you? Nobody knows). It’s like the movie Wall-E is coming true, and soon we’ll all be a bunch of fat lazys, drinking our food through straws.

These fake “Hoverboards” are the new selfie sticks. They’re even releasing one with bluetooth speakers.

If I have to listen to your “Hoverboard” blasting music, I don’t know how I’m going to hold myself back from smashing it into a million pieces until the music finally stops.

So, if you or someone you know owns and rides a “hoverboard,” then I probably don’t like you. It’s not your fault you suck, maybe you don’t know the difference between right and wrong. Maybe no one taught you, but you will learn soon enough when the world throws you off your stupid “Hoverboard” and onto the ground face first.

Thanks for reading. See you next week. Until then I leave you with this:

You mouth-breathing, “Hoverboarding” Idiot-Faces wish you looked this cute on your stupid ass “Hoverboard.” Not even with a shark suit.