Scientology 101: What I learned from HBO’s Documentary GOING CLEAR


A few weeks ago I watched GOING CLEAR the Scientology documentary on HBO. I have always made jokes about Scientology without knowing anything about it, so I thought it was time to learn. Now that I know a little more about Scientology I don’t feel bad, because it’s way worse than I thought.

Before GOING CLEAR I thought that Scientology was just a way for rich, famous people to not pay taxes. I also believed it to be much newer than it actually is. It is pretty new when compared to the religions of the world, but I thought that the leader, L. Ron Hubbard was still alive. L. Ron Hubbard, the creator of Scientology died in January 1986, two months before I was born. He based Scientology off of some science fiction stories he had written. In the videos I have seen of L. Ron he has a very creepy face, and I don’t like it. He does not look like someone I would want to associate myself with. I wouldn’t get a beer with this guy, even if he was paying (and was still alive).

The whole “religion” is based on brainwashing people, stealing their money and keeping them away from non-Scientologists (there’s probably more to it, but I wasn’t paying attention during the whole thing). L. Ron wrote another book called Dianetics or Diabetics or Diuretics which I have not read yet, but hope to pick up this weekend at my local B&N (I just got a B&N 20% off coupon, so I plan to use it this weekend). This book is like the Scientology Bible, I guess (maybe my next learning will be about this book).

If you took away the science fiction stories, the brainwashing, the beating of people, the weird accents, and the stealing of my money Scientology might not be that bad. If you’re lucky you might get to meet Tom Cruise. Every time Tom Cruise appears at any Scientology event they play the Mission:Impossible theme (I wish I had my own theme song).

We need to save Tom Cruise from Scientology, he’s much better than these people. Before GOING CLEAR I thought of Tom Cruise as the Number 1 greatest human of all time, after GOING CLEAR he has moved down the list. Maybe to Number 2 or 3.

I wonder if they play “Grease Lightning” when John Travolta appears at events? I think John Travolta was the bait to catch Tom Cruise, once they got Tom Cruise they stopped caring about Travolta (he doesn’t even know how to read). John Travolta was a Scientologist before he was Vinnie Barbarino on WELCOME BACK, KOTTER. Sorry John Travolta, you can not be saved after being a part of this for so long. Also, your career is practically over anyways, #DealWithIt, Danny Zuko (he ain’t gonna be in Grease 3).

The Scientology conventions are where it’s at. These conventions seem to be a better time than any CON I’ve ever been to (COMIC, MEGA, SUPER, WONDER…). The top-tier Thetans (aka Scientology-beliebers) get Military-style uniforms and perform intense handshakes on stage. These conventions even have indoor fireworks. Better fireworks than I’ve seen at Disney Parks, outdoors.

If I ever did get into Scientology, I would definitely try to stick around for a few years. I definitely want to be invited to a Tom Cruise birthday party, and see some goofy, rich white people-dancing. They didn’t show much of the parties in the documentary, but I bet Scientology throws the best parties (full of the best booze and heavy drugs), and I hope to be invited to one some day.

If you haven’t seen GOING CLEAR and you aren’t sure how you feel about Scientology, you should definitely watch it. Here is how I felt while watching GOING CLEAR:

First 30 minutes — This is weird.

Next 30 minutes — These people are crazy.

Final hour — This is fucked up!

Please enjoy this video. It should help you with your decision on whether or not to pursue Scientology.

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