I very much remember the commercials for Klondike bars as a kid, “What would you do-oh-ooh for a Klondike bar.” If you don’t remember them that’s ok, here’s one from the year I was born (1986):
Side Note: I also remember there was a big shaggy sheepdog in my neighborhood named Klondike who gave the best big shaggy hugs. We’d be outside playing basketball or rollerblading (or whatever kids were doing back in the 90s) and we’d always stop whatever we were doing to give Klondike a big smelly, shaggy hug. He was a big sweet boy.
I have always loved ice cream, but I never really got into Klondike bars in my childhood. Maybe the strange ads turned me off of them? Oh, wait, I have to complete a task for the right to enjoy one of these? No thanks, I’ll just get some regular ice cream from the store, instead. It wasn’t until way later on in life (most likely at a friend’s house) that I was finally able to try one.
I first tried the regular chocolate shell with vanilla ice cream inside. It was fine, but the market was full of competition in the milk chocolate shell/vanilla ice cream game. Haagen Daaz had their “hand-dipped” bars, Dove had their mini tunnel shaped ones, Blue Bell and Blue Bunny probably had something similar.
(Cut to the pandemic) I’ve been doing groceries for my parents each week, and I always like to go for what’s on sale when I can (It’s fun to see how much money you saved at the end of grocery shopping. It’s like a built-in mini-game). Klondikes were recently buy one, get one free (for a couple of weeks, actually). So, I got some Oreo, Heath, Reese’s (I’ve tried a few different flavors and I plan on trying a few more). And after trying a few different versions, I can now say that I am a big fan of Klondike bars and what they have to offer.
Now, going back to the commercial, I don’t think I would do anything crazy for a Klondike bar. They are delicious, but I would still just pay a couple dollars for one or a few of them. I would possibly make a trade, using an item I don’t really care for, for one.
Maybe trade in some other treats? But other than just buying it or trading for it, I don’t think there’s much else I would do for a Klondike bar. I do really enjoy them, I just wouldn’t trade a functional kidney for one or anything unnecessary.
The other day I shopped at SUPER TARGET for the first time, and it has forever changed my life. Before this day, I had walked into a SUPER TARGET before, but not to buy anything. I was dragged into SUPER TARGET by someone else, so I didn’t really pay attention to it. Oh, this is just like a Regular Target, but kind of bigger, but I now know that SUPER TARGET is much more than just a larger version of Regular Target.
SUPER TARGET is the snack food Mecca. It’s where companies send their newest products to test them on the public. I saw some brand new items that I didn’t even know existed, because they don’t yet. I don’t even know if I’m allowed to talk about what I saw, but I will, because who even reads this thing anyways?
SUPER TARGET is like Baby D in the hit film Next Friday, from the year 2000. “[SUPER TARGET] know bout all the new snacks before they even hit the street. All the bootleg snacks. The year 2000 snacks… Cupcake got a new Twinkie coming out next month, it’s a bad mothaf**ka. When you bite into it cream filling shoot all in yo mouth, glitter…” (see video below)
Not only do they have all the sweet new snacks and latest food, SUPER TARGET has crazy discounts and sales going on every day. You walk in there for one thing and end up leaving with a bunch of stuff you didn’t even need, but I guess Regular Target does that to you too.
If you thought Regular Target’s dollar section was great, the SUPER TARGET one is even bigger and better. They even have fake koala yummies, straight from China.
The bakery/deli/butchery section is also kind of great. When I first walked into this section I thought maybe I’ll get some cookies, bread or snacks, but I don’t see myself buying meat from Target. But this is SUPER TARGET, they had all the animals to eat. Beef. Chicken. Pork. Lamb. Veal. And they even carry Laura’s Meats. Who is this Laura lady? I don’t care. I saw her picture on the box and I trust her. She looks like the kind of woman who knows about fresh meats. SUPER TARGET is doing it right.
That’s my review or description of SUPER TARGET. Here are the 3 things I saw that changed my life. (I have since been back 3 more times, and have seen even more life-changing things)
Until this day I had no idea that S’mores Oreos existed, or would ever exist. So, of course I bought them. I had to try S’mores + OREOs? Those are two of my favorite things. On the box they were called Oreo s’mores or s’mores Oreos. Someone on the Oreo team missed a big opportunity. S’MOREOS, you dum dums! I would most definitely buy these again. Graham cracker cookies with chocolate and vanilla filling.
2 LEGO Hater
The second thing I saw was not a good thing. I was checking out the LEGO aisle to see if any LEGOs were on sale, as I do when I visit any store that sells LEGOs. As always, none were on sale. Leaving the aisle I heard a lady saying, “you don’t want to go down this aisle” to her kid, which I thought was a sarcastic statement, because every kid wants to go down the LEGO aisle. This kid did not, “Ew, I hate LEGOs” and he was 100% serious. I’m sorry kid. Do you hate happiness? Do you hate fun? Do you hate imagination? Do you hate freedom? Are you anti-American? It still makes me angry to think of this stupid little child. So I will stop now.
3 Breakfast Bagel Bites
This third thing just confused me. In the frozen food aisle I saw Bagel Bites with sausage, eggs and bacon on them, instead of pizza things. Breakfast Bagel Bites. That sounds kind of OK, but wasn’t the point of the original bagel bites for you to be able to eat pizza anytime? Yeah, I’m pretty sure that was the entire reason for putting pizza ingredients on mini bagels. It’s in the song, and I should know because that song has been stuck in my head ever since the 90’s. “Pizza in the morning. Pizza in the evening. Pizza at suppertime. When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.” (see other video below)
One thing I didn’t really enjoy at SUPER TARGET is the other people who shop there. A bunch of weirdos. But I guess that’s what happens when you throw a bunch of awesome deals and discounts at people. Also, the people who shop at Regular Target aren’t all that great either. Just this weekend I was at a Regular Target, and I heard a very loud burp. I’m pretty sure the whole store heard it and maybe even smelt it, but that’s not the point. Usually when you hear someone burp really loud, like really, really loud in a public place they will say “excuse me.”
This dirty hillybilly did not say nothing. He just kept walking around, being smelly with his dirty, and possibly smelly family. This family is the reason why the rest of the world hates us.
Dear rest of the world,
We’re not all dirty garbage people. Some of us are actually OK. But I guess most of America, and possibly the rest of the world is filled with garbage people, but be happy you aren’t part of this smelly family at Target, they would never be allowed in a SUPER TARGET, not on my watch.
And that’s all the stuff I learned since first shopping at SUPER TARGET a few weeks ago.