Monthly Archives: August 2016

ZIKA isn’t Real!

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If you think ZIKA is real, then you are a fool. If you think it’s all over Miami, then you are an even bigger fool!

Let’s travel to the birthplace of this ZIKA conspiracy, the Rio Olympics which just ended. Out of over 10,000 athletes (thanks, Wikipedia) how many do you think came home with ZIKA???

ZERO, zero came home with ZIKA! (Not just home to America, home to everywhere).

Everyone has been freaking out about ZIKA in Wynwood and Midtown. Everyone except the people who live and work there, because they know the truth: ZIKA is not real. And now it’s in Miami Beach??? Where will it head to next???

My phone even told me that the new Joe Robbie Stadium [AKA Pro Player, AKA Land Shark, AKA Sun Life, AKA Dolphin Stadium, AKA Hard Rock Stadium] has special mosquito protection, even though it’s way out of the current “ZIKA Zones.” All this ZIKA-talk is just the dirty media trying to scare us and keep us indoors.

This is why I never watch the news. When’s the last time you watched the news and saw a happy story? Maybe in the good old 1900’s, since then it’s all just a bunch of scare tactics! Here’s three examples of things you may hear on the news, today:

[1]
NEWS ANCHOR: Is it safe to drink your water? Find out tonight at 10pm on ___News!

YOU: At 10? It’s not even 10 am and I’m thirsty now. I have to wait 12 hours to drink water???

 

[2]
NEWS ANCHOR: Is it going to rain today? Find out next week on the morning news at 4am.

YOU: What? Next week, for today’s forecast?

 

[3]
NEWS ANCHOR: Is it safe to go outside? NO, it’s not! Lock your door and watch our news show at 6 pm

YOU: OK!

 

Back to your regularly scheduled ZIKA learning:

Last Saturday, I was in Wynwood and Midtown all day (from 1 pm till 10 pm) and in those 9 hours I saw zero mosquitos. I wore my long-sleeve Columbia fishing shirt, (I spelled that right. I’m talking about the outerwear company, not the country) because I was tricked by the news.

After spending the whole day in Wynwood, I’m positive that there is nothing to worry about. It’s all the media dirtbags trying to get us to watch their depressing news programs and vote for some dumb politicians.

Each day, they show a different mayor or candidate walking through the “ZIKA-infested” streets of Wynwood with their hazmat suit crew spraying pesticides all over. These pesticides are the real problem, that’s what’s going to get you sick. These politicians aren’t scientists. What do they know about mosquitos?

Don’t stop living your life. Get out and see the world. Because if you don’t then those idiots at FOX NEWS win!

ZIKA isn’t real, but in case it is maybe you should wear bug spray! Also, none of this is real, it’s all just a simulation! And in the words of the great Jeff Davis, “Live fast and take chances!” That’s all.

OLYMPIC SPONSORS (More Sports!)

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Last week, someone posted this article on the Facebook:

“TEAM USA is Sponsored by Junk Food: The Garbage Olympians Wouldn’t Eat”

You can read the article here, if you want. Go ahead, I’ll wait…

If you didn’t read the article, I will tell you what it’s about. It basically states how the TEAM USA Olympic sponsors are brands like Coke, McDonald’s and all these garbage salespeople who make the delicious poison we put in our bodies every day.

I’ve been saying this for a while, but not about the Olympics. Think of any sporting event you have ever been to here in the States (that’s what non-US people call it, “The States”). What did you eat or drink at these sporting events? Probably burgers, chicken fingers, pizza, all the delicious and fried things. You probably washed it all down with an ice cold Coke and a smile, or a Pepsi or some other liquid garbage.

*Side Note:
Lately, I like to stick to Sprite, 7-UP and Sierra Mist because they’re clear. Sometimes I add some grenadine to make a Shirley Temple. It seems like there are less toxins in a clear soda, or maybe they’re just better at hiding it. Maybe it’s all in those tiny bubbles?

*Back to the other thing:
If you’re over 21 you probably drink a bunch of beer at sporting events and before going inside during what we call “Tailgating.” Everyone likes to get wasted on beer and scream at their team. Some like to scream at the other team or their fans. That’s how fights happen and people get kicked out, or banned for life.

Sometimes you don’t get to go to the game, instead you’re watching from home on your TV. What do you see? A bunch of commercials from sponsors, 90% of which are all junk food and beer. Maybe sports should be sponsored by the stuff the athletes eat and drink. Not only are you watching other people exercise while you sit on your lazy butt, you’re also consuming an endless amount of calories while they are trying to burn almost half of that amount.

That’s just my opinion on sports and sponsorships, now here’s what I thought after reading this article. I know what food I should be eating, I know what’s really good for me, but I choose to eat the bad stuff instead. It’s a choice I have to live with each and every day. Maybe I should have eaten a salad for lunch the other day, but Jimmy Jamz sounded way better.

Some days, or just some meals I decide to eat a little better and that’s great. But what is “better” to me, still isn’t good to an Olympian. This guy named many things saying, “Why would I ever put this in my body?” I try not to put things like McDonald’s and Taco Bell in my body. My thirty year old body can’t handle it like my 16 year old body could.

Then there’s other things he talks about that I think of as an “OK” option. Like Greek yogurt, which he says is horrible, unless you eat plain ass Greek yogurt. Have you tried plain Greek yogurt? That stuff is gross! You need the vanilla and granola. (A few weeks ago I discovered the magic that is, Yogurt and Granola. Of course, I’ve been using vanilla yogurt and granola with chocolate chips in it — Not so healthy choice, but it is tasty.)

What I learned from this article is that I could never be an Olympic athlete. Not even for a week. I don’t even think I could eat that clean for 24 hours. Next week, I’ll choose one day to try to eat like an Olympian for 24 hours, let’s see how long it takes for me to buy some E.L. Fudge cookies and eat the whole package (I ate a whole package from Sunday night – Monday afternoon this week, but they were my favorite ones).

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Next week I’ll update you with my “Eat Like an Olympian Challenge” and how far it goes… I’m aiming to start on Monday, but most diets usually start on Monday and end by Wednesday at the latest.

FIRST BASE IS HARD (That’s what she said…)

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[SPORTS FAN EDITION]

Last night, my co-ed adult softball team had their 3rd game, my 2nd (I missed the first one because I was too busy eating Pringles and drinking beers on the sandy beaches of Siesta Key).

We won our first game, the one I wasn’t a part of. I think it’s because I wasn’t there that we won. I am definitely the Bambino of this team. I can make some good plays, but I’m the cursed player that won’t allow us to win as long as I’m around. That’s ok with me though, I’m not there to win, and neither is about 80% of my team. We’re just there to have a good time and go drink beer and eat bar food at Sandbar afterwards.

Last week, during my first game the whole team was there, so I was able to sit on the bench for a few innings which was nice and relaxing. When I did go in I mostly played the outfield and even caught a fly ball that I definitely thought I was going to drop. I’m pretty sure everyone thought that. In the end we lost, pretty badly. We celebrated the game at Sandbar though and I won in pool and the hook on the wall game, so I went 2 for 3. Not bad for my first week of softball.

Last night, I had to play first base, because our other possible first basemen or women were not there, or don’t exist. I think I did an OK job, except for the time I ran into a girl’s face (more on that later). It wasn’t my fault, but it kind of was. There’s too many things you have to think about when playing first base.

[1]
It all starts with the batter. You have to watch them at all times, and make sure that if they do make contact it doesn’t come your way. If the ball starts flying in your direction it’s panic mode, which is how I ran into this poor girl’s face with my face.

The girl was a righty, so I thought, she won’t hit it to me. I was wrong, she must have hit the ball at a weird angle because it rolled right at me. I had to move away from the bag to get it, so I then ran full speed at the base to tag it and make the out. When I started towards the base I was looking straight down to make sure to get my foot on it. I didn’t look up again until it was too late.

When I picked my head up I noticed that I was about to run straight into this woman, who was running at full speed at me. We collided on the base and I’m pretty sure she did a Willie Beamon “Any Given Sunday” flip before landing on the ground. I helped her up and told her I was sorry about 23 times. She was out, so I guess something good came out of that. I made the play.

[2]
On to the next one, once the ball has been hit you have to make a decision. (a) Do I go after the ball, or (b) do I run to the base and wait for someone to throw it at me? It all goes by very quickly, there’s no time to think. Then, if you run for the ball you have to remember to run back to tag the base, and also try not to crash into the runner, as I did in the first step.

[3]
If you ran to the base you just wait. Wait, and hope someone makes a good throw to you. About 61% of the throws to first are ok, but those other 39% are tricky and can really hurt someone, especially me. Playing first base is like playing paintball, except instead of small balls filled with fake paint someone is throwing a large softball at you, which isn’t very soft at all.

[4]
If you successfully make the catch someone is out, unless they are really fast and already made it to the base, but that’s not where it ends. Now you have to look around and make sure other runners aren’t pulling any shenanigans. Check home. See if anyone is running there. Look at the rest of the bases. Look back to the guy on first, if that person is there.

All good, throw it to the pitcher and start all over again. Overall, I think I was an alright first baseman and I would do it again if they needed me to. I may need some practice for racing to the base without smashing into the runner.

I think next week we will get the W! Or we won’t and we’ll still go to sandbar and catch Pokemon after the game.

I basically just explained how baseball works, but I do have a lot of foreigner friends who may not know. I hope you enjoyed this, and I’ll be back next week with more learnings and stuff.


Smell ya later…

 

NOT TODAY…

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I have an important announcement to make. I was very busy this week and am very busy today, so there will be no learning today.

Maybe there will be one this weekend, or on Monday. Maybe I will count this as one and you’ll just have to wait until next Friday?

Who knows? Maybe there won’t even be one next Friday.

Time to go back to work. See you all later.

To celebrate the release of the new Harry Potter book, and Harry Potter’s birthday, here’s a thing…