Tag Archives: Sports

TAKE ME WITH YOU!

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This week I realized that the last heat game I went to was either during Year One of LeBron or Pre-LeBron. I can’t remember if LeBron was there or not. We were playing the Sixers and it was Black Friday. I know it was Black Friday because I had just mounted my new TV up on the wall that I bought that morning. Miss patty called me. The game had already started and she had just found out she had been given tickets. I kicked my friend out of my house telling him, “Get out! I’m going to Heat game!”  We arrived after or during halftime. So, the last time I went to a Heat game I only attended 50% or less.

Why am I telling you this? Because the playoffs have begun and I still haven’t been to a game this season (or the past four or five seasons). Someone needs to take me to a Heat playoff game before it’s too late, and I’m forced to wait for another season. You’re probably thinking I could just buy tickets, but they’re hard to find during the playoffs, plus they are extra expensive.

Even when we sucked it was impossible to get playoff tickets. You had to get a pre-pre-pre-sale code. One time I had a pre-sale code for Amex cardholders and they held like 2 or 3 pre-pre-pre-sales before they even got to the Amex one. By the time I was able to search on Ticketmaster everything was gone. I’ve gone down to the arena the morning of a game, with all the dirty ticket scalpers and that didn’t work out either.

As a kid I would watch every single Heat game on TV. Back when we were no good. I would sit in my room, wearing my Tim Hardaway jersey, holding onto my basketball, yelling at my TV while watching games. I was happy when we won, and very, very angry when we lost (which happened much more).


When I got to Tallahassee for college there were no more Heat games to watch. We were forced to watch the Magic and the Hawks, so I stopped watching basketball. I still had my ESPN updates and Gamecast to let me know what was going on. Some time after college I decided that sports weren’t as important as I thought they once were. With less free time I decided to waste my time watching my shows, movies and playing guitar and video games.

I still remember the day LeBron said those magical words, “I’ll be taking my talents to South Beach.” I’m sure he quickly realized that the Heat don’t actually play on South Beach, but instead in a much smellier, dirtier Downtown Miami. At first I was excited to have LeBron on our team. That first season I watched most of our games, and all of the playoffs. I would get extra angry any time we lost a game. We had LeBron, DWade and the Bosh-man. And all those other dudes too!

After that first season I decided I can’t watch all of these normal games, because I got too angry seeing us lose with the Big Three. I knew we would make the playoffs, even if we weren’t trying. So I waited until then to watch the games that actually counted.

That year we won, and the next year I went through the same thing. Since LeBron was here and even after he left I haven’t been able to follow a full Heat basketball season. This is why I need one of you to take me to a Heat Playoff game. Please, re-ignite the Heat down in my soul! I am ready to believe in the White Hot Heat again, but I just need to see it live to get excited.

Or maybe I’ll attend a game with a nice friendly friend who decides to take me. And afterwards I’ll decide that TV shows are more important. People actually work hard writing this stuff to entertain me. Sports are just a bunch of well-coordinated high school bullies who grew up and made a bunch of money (That’s not true, some of them are nice. Look at Chris Bosh, that guys a huge computer nerd).

I’m not going to say I’m done with sports, because I’m not. I still watch FSU and Dolphin football, because those are only once a week. And I will continue to watch my Chelsea Football (soccer) matches whenever I do wake up for them. However, movies and TV will take priority, and of course video games.
Thanks for listening. I look forward to hearing from one of you soon about going to one of these upcoming Heat games.

 

DUNKIN DONUTS IS FULL OF LIES!

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Last night I was watching some TV and I saw a DUNKIN DONUTS commercial telling me to:

“Try the new caramel macchiato.”

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Guess what DUNKIN! If that’s even your real name. If that’s an actual human’s name then your parents had shit spelling skills. So, as I was saying. Guess what Mr. DUNKIN! Starbucks created the Caramel Macchiato forever ago. Actually someone in Italy probably created it even before Starbucks. And tons of other coffee shops everywhere have them on the menu.

Next time you want to make a commercial introducing something new to your coffee menu, how about you actually introduce “something new.” Not something new for you, but old and regular to the rest of the world. Maybe a liquid donut coffee drink, or a munchkin hot chocolate. I don’t know, I’m just spitballing here.

Did PAPA JOHN’s make a commercial to first introduce their Pepperoni Pizza? I don’t think so. They were just like, “we got cheese and we got pepperoni,” at first. Now they make commercials to show off all the new pizzas. Six Cheese Tuscan. Three types of sausage. They even make commercials showing off that the Papa is friends with Peyton Manning.

If I learned anything from this Super Bowl a few weeks ago it’s that Peyton Manning loves Pizza and Budweiser. Also, that Puppy-Monkey-Baby is the creepiest thing I’ve ever seen. If that thing is real someone needs to kill it, like yesterday.

So, back to DUNKIN DONUTS. Next time you want to introduce me and the rest of the world to some new coffee drink, make sure I’ve never heard of it before. Or just say, “Now serving [Insert some coffee drink I’ve already heard of here] at our stores.” I’ve been drinking caramel macchiatos since the early 2000’s, bruh! (that’s how Kanye says it, right?)

Another thing DUNKIN DONUTS. I don’t know if you’ve changed your slogan yet, but “America Runs on Dunkin,” really? Eating or drinking anything from DUNKIN DONUTS has never made me feel like “Running.” It’s more like, “America walks on Dunkin,” or, “America sleeps on Dunkin,” or anything else that doesn’t require much physical activity. You’re welcome for your new slogan, now pay me.

Paralympic Games

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This weekend I learned about the Paralympic games, which take place in Sochi some time after the Olympic games (I haven’t really done any research, so this may not be true). Saturday night I got home at 3:30 in the morning (it would have been 2:30 if it wasn’t for the time change. The time changed while I was driving in my car, so I literally traveled through time! I think that’s how it works, right?).

When I got home I turned on my TV searching for something to watch before bed time. I had left my TV on NBC Sports from watching Chelsea that afternoon (Chelsea #1, Suck it Arsenal!). What I found when I turned on my TV was Paralympic Hockey, which is so much better than regular hockey, and here are some reasons why:

1 Everyone is on a sled, even the goalie!

2 Each player gets not one, but two mini hockey sticks (they also use these to propel themselves around the ice).

3 I didn’t see any fights, but I’m sure a sled fight would be way cooler than a regular hockey standing fight.

4 I saw one dude fall off his sled, and roll over back on to his sled in seconds (and he only had one leg).

If this Hockey is played somewhere near me I would definitely go check it out (maybe even end up with season tickets and a new favorite sports team). I only watched for a few minutes, then I switched to something on Netflix (It always takes about 20 minutes to find the right thing to watch on Netflix, and the next morning I can never remember what I fell asleep watching).

I woke up the next morning with a bunch of questions. Was that a dream, or did I really see Paralympic Hockey last night? If the USA played ITALY last night, then both these countries should have an underground Paralympic Hockey league (where else would they find all these athletes?). What other sports take place in the Paralympics? If I lost a leg would I become a Paralympic athlete? Which sport would I choose? What the hell was I watching on the Netflix last night?

I still don’t know the answers to many of these questions, but I do know that if I happen to catch some more Paralympic events on TV this week, I will be watching and cheering for the USA!

Thank God Learning

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This week I realized how athletes, actors and a whole buttload of people always thank God when something good happens to them (especially when they are asked about it on TV or in front of a huge crowd). “I just wanna thank God, because without God this wouldn’t have happened.”

When an athlete says “Thanks God for letting our team win this game,” they are basically saying, “Thank you God, for choosing our team over that other team. That other team was full of real douche faces and butt holes!” (or something like that). Or in the case of the actor who wins an Oscar, “Thanks God for giving me this award, all these other dudes have been really horrible in life this year, but I have been slightly less horrible than them and I really (kind of) deserve this.” 

Do you think God has time for all these football, basketball, baseball, rugby, quidditch, soccer, hockey, and whatever other games and matches are going on? There is some crazy stuff going on in the world. I would like to think that God leaves the outcome of sports to chance. If you are going to thank God for making you talented or keeping you healthy, now that is a different story (Father Manny taught me this). 

Here is my acceptance speech for when I win something big, “Thank you to me, and nobody else. I worked hard (or maybe I just got lucky), but I couldn’t have done it without me, pushing myself each day to get this done and do it right!” (if there is a team with me, I guess I will give them some credit too).

I didn’t talk about rappers thanking God in here, because that is a whole different story for a whole other day. “Thank you God for inspiring me to make a song about killing people, and taking their money, and stealing all your girlfriends, and drinking expensive drinks, and doing drugs and all that other good stuff, and being able to win an award for it!” I don’t think God is watching the BET awards (if he was there wouldn’t be a shooting or stabbing every year).