This week I realized how athletes, actors and a whole buttload of people always thank God when something good happens to them (especially when they are asked about it on TV or in front of a huge crowd). “I just wanna thank God, because without God this wouldn’t have happened.”

When an athlete says “Thanks God for letting our team win this game,” they are basically saying, “Thank you God, for choosing our team over that other team. That other team was full of real douche faces and butt holes!” (or something like that). Or in the case of the actor who wins an Oscar, “Thanks God for giving me this award, all these other dudes have been really horrible in life this year, but I have been slightly less horrible than them and I really (kind of) deserve this.” 

Do you think God has time for all these football, basketball, baseball, rugby, quidditch, soccer, hockey, and whatever other games and matches are going on? There is some crazy stuff going on in the world. I would like to think that God leaves the outcome of sports to chance. If you are going to thank God for making you talented or keeping you healthy, now that is a different story (Father Manny taught me this). 

Here is my acceptance speech for when I win something big, “Thank you to me, and nobody else. I worked hard (or maybe I just got lucky), but I couldn’t have done it without me, pushing myself each day to get this done and do it right!” (if there is a team with me, I guess I will give them some credit too).

I didn’t talk about rappers thanking God in here, because that is a whole different story for a whole other day. “Thank you God for inspiring me to make a song about killing people, and taking their money, and stealing all your girlfriends, and drinking expensive drinks, and doing drugs and all that other good stuff, and being able to win an award for it!” I don’t think God is watching the BET awards (if he was there wouldn’t be a shooting or stabbing every year).