I am not a horrible person, but I do have a pair of black fuzzy dice hanging on my car’s rearview mirror. Why did I have to start that sentence with “I am not a horrible person”? Lately, I’ve noticed other cars and drivers with fuzzy dice on their rearview mirror, and most of them look like the type of people I don’t want to be associated with. I won’t go into what type of people they look like, but I’ll tell you it does rhyme with minimal.

Have you ever seen a car on the street with fuzzy dice on the rearview mirror? Maybe not since the 1980’s, but when you do end up next to one of these drivers the first thing you do is lock your doors. Then, you think to yourself, does this make me racist?  

Why do I keep the dice on my mirror then? I have to. I learned how to drive with them about 15 years ago. And if I took them down it would be weird not to have something obstructing my view. Also, I like keeping other drivers on their toes, give them a little scare. They see the dice first and freak out, but then they see me and may think, he don’t look so bad.

Another reason I have to keep the dice is so it’s easier to spot my car. There’s only so many makes, models and colors of cars. What if I happen to park next to or near a car that looks identical to mine? I’ll know mine is the one with the black fuzzy dice, but also I have a clicker that only works for my car.

Where did these black fuzzy dice come from? I bought them on a weekend field trip to Sawgrass Mills Mall with my mom back in middle school. A friend and I bought them together (or my mom probably bought them for us, because we were young and poor), because we thought they would look sweet on our BMX bikes. And guess what? They did look pretty sweet on our BMX bikes, so sweet in fact that I had to move them to my mom’s van when I first started driving. From there they went to my Ford Focus (my first car), then my X-Terra (second car) and now they’re on my Jeep (new car), but it may be time to finally retire these black fuzzy dice.

The dice are in horrible condition. When I bought them they were black, now they are grey-ish from years in the hot Florida sun. They are no longer a working pair of 6-sided dice. They are now 1, 2, 2, 4, 5, 5 dice. I’ve lost a few dots along the way.

What’s the first thing someone does when they see my black fuzzy dice? Anytime someone gets in my car for the first time, they slap my dice (probably the reason for missing dots). Other people slap the dice anytime they get in my car. And the most annoying people slap them over and over as I drive somewhere. I can deal with the obstruction of vision, but when you slap them you’re just adding new blind zones and making it easier for me to crash and kill us both.

I will retire these dice soon if (1) someone buys me a brand new pair (I saw some nice Mickey dice in Disney, but they are a bit smaller so I haven’t bought them yet), (2) someone steals them, if they are stolen I will have no other choice but to retire my fuzzy dice, (3) or if I happen to buy some dice myself (which is probably the least likely to happen).

So, next time any of you are in Sawgrass Mills and you happen to see some sweet fuzzy dice or some other rearview mirror ornament that might look swell on my Jeep, go ahead and buy them for me. You may even get a free ice cream or Nana pudding.

Also, order some ice cream and nana pudding, I got to pay my bills somehow…