This week I learned two things, but we will get to them in a bit. Ben & Jerry’s FREE CONE DAY is my 3rd favorite holiday of the year, (after my Bday and Christmas, of course). I have been celebrating this holiday for 3 or 4 years now. I usually get my FREE CONE with Elizabeth, because she loves B&Js as much as I do and she is awesome!

I was excited that I would be able to celebrate FREE CONE DAY with Elizabeth once again, before leaving to New York. I was WRONG! Apparently, Ben and Jerry have the power to change holidays (Jesus also has this power, since we celebrate Jesus’ bday in December, instead of whatever day it really happened). FREE CONE DAY is usually on the first Tuesday of April, but this year B&J decided to move it to the second Tuesday. This is why I wasn’t able to go at home with Elizabeth.

I still enjoyed FREE CONE DAY with my Razorfish Finterns, but I was disappointed with the New York version of FREE CONE DAY. There was a huge line to get my cone, but it moved rather quickly. I expected there to be a line, so I was ok with this. I was extremely disappointed with the flavor choices. We were only allowed to choose from 5 or 6 flavors here, but in Miami I was able to get whatever flavor I wanted on my cone.

The flavors to choose from were: Vanilla, the most plain flavor of ice cream, which is fine on any day except for FREE CONE DAY. Liz Lemonade Greek FroGurt, which sounds like a cool flavor to try, but it’s not called FREE FROGURT DAY is it? Caramel Chunk, sounded nice and was my second choice. Candy Bar Pie, was crossed off the list, but for some reason I was still able to get it. Some kind of Strawberry or Raspberry, I don’t want healthy crap in my ice cream. If there were any other flavors available they were probably not any good, because I can’t remember them.

On FREE CONE DAY I like to get some Americone Dream, Late Night Snack or something new that I’ve never tried. The flavors I choose usually have at least three ingredients other than ice cream, if not it ain’t worth it. I’m glad I had some Americone Dream in the freezer at home, from the weekend. I was able to go for FREE CONE DAY Round 2! In the end, FREE CONE DAY was still a great success (although it wasn’t as great as the last two years).

Last night was my first night going out in New York. We scored some FREE tickets to go see Phoenix in Brooklyn at 6pm (so it was already a good start to my time in the big apple city). After that we went to a nice looking bar, Barry Park. They had some good Germán beers, pretzels and FRICKLES (aka fried pickles! I don’t eat normal pickles, but I can pretty much eat anything fried or wrapped in bacon).

After that I went to meet up with some friends from school for dinner at a Latino place called Macondo. I had some rope vieja (old clothes) tacos, that were pretty amazing. We were given a FREE jug of wine infused with whiskey. It was a strange drink, but the experience of drinking out of this jug made it fun (it was like some funky Game of Thrones jug).

Next, I went to meet up with my friends who were here for a bachelorette party. They were at the Bowery Electric, a very small and crowded place in the Little East Side (aka LES, if you’re a cool New Yorker). This place was kind of like a long hallway, filled with too many people, that led to a tiny dance floor with a disco ball.

At this long tiny bar I learned something. I learned that I look like the guy from LOST. Which guy from LOST? I’m not sure, but according to some drunk person I look like “that dude from LOST.”

I was standing by the bar area, drinking my beer, and this drunken fool came up to me. He said, “Hey man, are you the dude from LOST?”

Now, I could have ruined his hopes and just said, “No sir, I am not the dude from LOST,” but that would be no fun. So instead, I made his night by saying, “Yes, I am that dude from LOST!”

He was so excited, “I knew it!” he screamed out and pumped his fist into the air, like he had just won a prize. I thought I had made his night, he has a story to tell his friends and family and this experience was over. WRONG! It wasn’t over. He still had some more questions to ask. “Dude, you must get laid all the time?”

“Yeah, I do.” I told him, which is not the truth at all, but like I said before, I didn’t want to let him down. After that I told him I was here to hang with some friends. He asked me if they were from LOST, (LOST ended years ago, man. I’m sure the cast has new friends) so I told him, “No. My friends are just normal humans like you.”

I wish I could have learned which character from LOST I look like. My guess would have been Hurley (he must have not seen Hurley on Californication this season, because he is still well over 300 pounds). I learned what it feels like to be a famous person in a bar, for a few minutes. I also learned why famous people must hate normal humans, because it’s always the idiots who come and talk to them, and ask them stupid ass questions.

This week I learned that you can easily get free stuff on Twitter. Actually, I learned this many moons ago, just this time I learned a different way to do it.

A few years back I started twittering lines to Astroglide. Most of them were stupid and rhymed with Astroglide, but some were funny. They were funny enough to get me a free shirt, from Astroglide (Thanks Astroglide).

The other day I was forced against my will to eat a Bubba Burger. Let me tell you that these things are not actually burgers. The package says “all natural” but they ain’t foolin’ nobody.

Back in high school I thought Bubba Burgers were great, but then I realized I was wrong. I only thought they were any good, because I was on a boat, drunk. Also, my friend would pour beer all over them while cooking them. When I bought them later on and cooked them sober I realized that they were horrible.

So, after being forced to eat Bubba Burgers this past weekend, I stated my opinion on the Twitter and this is what happened.

Next, they gave me an email where to reach them for “An offer I can’t refuse.” I told them to send it to my New York address, since I will be moving back there this week.

In my final email I let them know that they are a company with a horrible product, but great customer service.

So, I guess what I learned this week is that sometimes having great customer service is more important than having a great product?

This week I learned that the Lipton started again. I’m sorry I meant the Sony Ericsson. The tennis Tournament by my house that has been called many names since I have been here. First, it was the Lipton. Then, the Nasdaq and Sony Ericsson. I will always call it the Lipton, just as Dolphin stadium will always be known as Joe Robbie to me.

Living on Key Biscayne is awesome, except for these next two weeks. Every march the Lipton comes around and makes living on the key kind of annoying. It brings major traffic, lots of euro-trashers and more South Americans. I guess it’s good for business when all these tourists are around, but it’s annoying to the people who live here.

Now I have to choose the right time to leave and come home. If I choose wrong I will be stuck in an hour of horrible traffic, just to drive what would normally take 5 minutes. Coming home after work is tough, because you can’t really time when the right time is on week days, you just have to hope they aren’t letting people cross the street as you drive in.

I like to go to Winn Dixie and CVS late at night, so I don’t run into people. Now, with all these extra people here, there’s lines, traffic and longer wait times when ordering food. Plus, everything takes longer, because no one speaks English!

I do like the Lipton, when someone gives me free tickets and I get to go, but the years that I don’t get to go I am not a fan. If I don’t get to enjoy it, and have to deal with all the traffic and problems then no one should enjoy it. Maybe I should have voted NO when they asked if I wanted to keep it around.

This week I learned that Ultra “Music” Festival is going to be not one, but two weekends.

Dear Miami,

Prepare for crazy traffic, drugged up t’weens and the Neon Hippie Apocalypse.

I will just stay home for the next two weekends. I also learned that this week is called Miami “Music” Week. I write “Music” in quotations, because I don’t believe this qualifies as real Music. Music is something you do with your voice or some kind of instrument. Ultra DJs play “Music” the same way I am writing “Music” right now, with a computer keyboard.

Most of the mixes they play are prerecorded, so it technically isn’t even live. They can just have a speaker playing the noise, with no DJ standing there fist pumping.

The light shows may be fun (especially for all the drugged up t’weens), but I do not count Robot sounds as music. Some people have ROBOT EARS, which I believe is a condition found in most children born after the year 1997. These kids can hear these computer noises and think of it as “Music.”

Miami needs a real music festival, with real music and real people. Some kind of Bonnaroo, Voodoo Fest or Lollapalooza. Instead we have Robot festivals, Reggae festivals and House music. Real people live here, Robot Music must DIE!!!

Ahoy, friends (I will explain this later). This week I learned the 30th happiest facts of all time, thanks to BuzzFeed. I won’t list all 30 of them, just a few of my favorites.

1. The Space Jam website has not changed since it was created back in 1996. Just to let you know how long ago that was, 1996 was the year of the Macarena. The Space Jam website may have been the bees knees in 1996, but now it totally sucks. You can’t play any games, you can’t listen to the amazing soundtrack (The Space Jam soundtrack is the second most amazing movie soundtrack of all time, after Grease). All you can do now is see how crappy the site is.

2. A group of flamingos is called a “flamboyance,” and a group of pugs is called a “grumble.” These are both great words for a group of specific animals. These are way better than calling your group a “pack” or “school.”

3. Turtles can breath through their butt. This one is weird and strange, but I guess it’s good to know. In case you ever have to drown an evil turtle, just make sure the butt is underwater too.

4. Alexander Graham Bell wanted people to greet each other by saying “Ahoy!” when they pick up the phone. This is not what happened at all. We started with a simple “Hello,” but we have downgraded to things like “Hey,” “Yo,” and “What???” Let’s bring back “Ahoy.” I’m sure if people start saying “Ahoy” when answering their phone, it will quickly catch on. Then, Alexander Graham Bell will be sleeping sound in his grave.

5. Butterflies taste with their feet. Butterflies must not eat much, because everything they try must taste like feet. No one wants to eat things that taste like feet. It would probably be like eating old cheese from Whole Foods (Yes, I’m calling you out Whole Foods. I recently bought some Brie at Whole Foods and when I opened it the next day it was already bad and tasted like feet).

This week I learned a lot, and it was all thanks to this link. I love to learn, especially when it’s weird stuff that makes you smile. Till next week lads.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/daves4/the-happiest-facts-of-all-time

This week I learned that I am way behind in life. By that I mean, my friends are getting their life together, doing big things, getting married and I’m still stuck in school figuring my life out. I’ve known this for a while, but yesterday it really hit me (I’ll get to the actual event where it hit me in a bit).

I have friends who are married and engaged. Last year, I went to my good friend’s wedding. It didn’t hit me there, because she’s a girl. Girl’s get married before boys, it’s math. Girls usually marry older dudes, which means I still have time (I think).

One of my best friends just got married. My first close, dude friend to get married. Now I feel the pressure. My best friend is married. This now makes me the “single friend.” I can still hang out with them, but not as much as before. I have to call before I just show up to their home.

I was at school yesterday and I sent my newly married friend a message to see what he was up to later. He answered with, “Oh I’m just gonna go to the Grove to watch two people get engaged. What you gonnna do?”

My answer was not as cool as it should’ve been, “Oh sweet, I gotta go to Target and get a Nerf gun after class.” Everyone knows that Nerf guns are awesome, but this was the moment I realized I am way behind. People are getting married, and I’m still playing with Nerf guns (On an unrelated note, it only took me about two minutes to lose the first flying disc from my Nerf gun. Why is it so easy to lose those things?).

The good thing about this advertising career is that I won’t ever have to grow up. I can play with Nerf guns and video games until I die. Hopefully, I will find a girl who lets me stay a kid and loves me for who I am (If not, whatever…).

This week I learned that little Michelle Tanner, from the 90’s sitcom Full House, was actually played by not one, but both Olsen twins. I have so many questions now, hopefully Google has answers.

How many dogs did it take to play Comet throughout the years?

I was amazed to find out that Comet was only played by one dog, Buddy. However, it took two Olsens to play Michelle Tanner. Buddy was born in 1988 and died on February 11, 1998, due to cancer. Buddy still had a wonderful life, he was not only Comet on Full House for most of his life, he also played Air Bud in the first film, the good one.

Nicky and Alex were played by a set of twins, Blake and Dylan Tuomy-Wilhoit. They quit acting after Full House and just wanted to live a normal life. According to IMDb at least one of them graduated from high school in 2010, Blake. I’m sure their creepy TV uncle, Bob Saget, was an influence in their exit from acting.

Back to the main reason I started writing about Full House, Michelle Tanner and the Olsen twins. The Olsens were only chosen for the part of Michelle because they were the only set of twins who didn’t cry during auditions. So, all of these Fox Family Olsen twin TV movies were a result of holding in their tears during their Full House audition.

Another thing I wonder about is if the Olsen twins were paid less than the other actors. The two of them only played one character, it wouldn’t be fair for each of them to get the same amount of money as Uncle Jesse or Danny Tanner, who had to play their characters 100% of the time (I would imagine Lindsay Lohan got paid double for the Parent Trap). I guess it doesn’t really matter, since whatever money they did make went to their parents anyways.

Random Disclaimer: I actually knew that Michelle Tanner was played by both Olsens the whole time, but thanks to my research I learned a few new things. Thanks Google. Also, RIP Buddy aka Comet

This week I learned that the Harlem Shake had made a comeback, although it wasn’t really the Harlem Shake at all. I learned about the Harlem Shake back in the late 90s or early 2000s, when P. Diddy (or Puff Daddy or was it just Diddy at the time?) featured it in one of his videos.

I did some research (wikipedia) and learned that it was actually invented in the 80s, brought back with Diddy (or whatever his name is), and now they are saying it’s the new thing.

This Harlem Shake is completely different though.In the new version, one person dances while the other people try to act totally normal, for 15 seconds. After this everyone goes crazy for another 15 seconds. In the song they give a shout out to terrorists, which is not cool. This Baauer guy should be background checked, to make sure he’s cool. I don’t trust him at all. I don’t trust any of these robot DJs (not Skillrex, not Avicii, not Daft Punk, not DeadMauFive).

The old Harlem Shake is way better, because there is actual shaking involved. You pretend that your upper body is having a seizure, or at least that’s how it looks. The new version doesn’t really involve any shaking or Harlem. The new version involves a lot of air humping and strange costumes. I am not a fan.

They made a Harlem Shake video at school the other day, and I missed out because I got kidnapped by the dirty Italian kid. So, maybe I don’t hate this new Harlem Shake craze, maybe I’m just jealous because I didn’t get to be in the video. Oh well, this will soon die and I will be in the video for the next big thing (or I will make my own Harlem Shake video, that will kick every other Harlem Shake video in the nuts).