Weight Gain Ferd-Thousand (Pandemic Edition)

When the Coronavirus pandemic first began we were all forced to stay in our homes. Throughout year one everyone was talking about being lazy and gaining weight from all the snacking. I remember hearing Emily V Gordon say, “When we get out of this we’re all gonna be a little fatter,” on her and Kumail Nanjiani’s pandemic podcast, Staying In with Emily & Kuamil.

In the beginning of the lockdown I was still eating whatever I wanted, but due to no improv shows I didn’t have to eat dinner at midnight or one in the morning any longer. Before this all started I had a very strange eating schedule from Wednesday to Saturday, where I wouldn’t eat a full dinner before rehearsal or shows and instead would wait until I was done for the night. Also, the only food available after 11 pm or later is usually not very healthy.

At that time, with all of the late night eats I was still able to stay at a consistent weight of about 210-215. I was doing enough activity that it was fine for me to be eating so late at night. Probably not on the inside, but I looked fine on the outside.

So, when the lockdown started I was no longer eating my late night snacks/full meals (plus a late night beer or two). I was on a more regular eating schedule. I started to lose weight. Also, I was working out a lot more: running, boxing, swimming weights and anything I could do on my own outdoors or in the backyard.

Around the summertime I started eating a little more healthy, but kept working out like Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. Maybe not as hard as Dwyane, maybe like 25% of what he does, but that’s still a lot for a regular human. I even started losing weight.

When I saw the number on the scale going down slowly I thought of a new plan. I thought this is going to be funny, when we get back to shows in “a few months” — it’s now been over a year — everyone will be talking about how they gained weight and I’ll be that one dude that looks better than before. I wanted to be like people on sitcoms that come back in a later season looking thinner, stronger and younger than they ever have.

This plan was working. I made it down to under 200 lbs for the first time since I lived in Orlando, back in 2014-2015. I was dropping weight quickly and getting stronger with mostly boxing, running and some light weight training.

Let’s take a short break to check out my
Pandemic Workout Selfie Album:

But then something happened — the holidays. The pandemic was taking way too long to clear up. It’s still clearing up. I started working on side projects (blogs/sites) that took away from my workout time. I grew bored of working out so much, and I started eating more and more [Oreos and junk].

At some point during the pandemic I decided it was totally fine to eat cookies, chocolate, ice cream and desserts with breakfast. Sometimes I would eat these before breakfast. I’d eat them while cooking breakfast. And I’m still doing that.

My weight started to climb, because let’s face it — It’s much easier to gain weight than to lose weight. I bet Chris Hemsworth (aka Thor) has to lose weight for many roles, but it must have been a fun time to gain weight for Avengers: Endgame (even though that’s probably a fat suit). Christian Bale has done both for roles and I bet gaining weight (American Hustle) was a much better time than losing weight (the Machinist).

In the beginning of 2021 I reached my highest weight in years, possibly ever. This sucked after reaching my lowest weight just a few months earlier (mid to late 2020).

Since learning about this massive weight gain I started working out again. I’m not at 25% Rock output yet, but I hope to get back there soon (maybe higher than that). I’ve tried a few things to get me to stop eating so much cookies and chocolate and sugar, but it’s hard during a 1+ year long pandemic.

I still haven’t seen most of the world yet, so there’s still a chance of me getting back to where I was when this whole thing began. I guess that’s my goal for now. Get to where I started — around 210-215. After that I’ll go for under 200 once again.

It’s not as funny to hear people say, “Wow, you look the same” as it would have been to have them say, “How did you look even better than you did in March 2020?”

I definitely need to go down in weight before the late night eating returns. Perhaps I can change that habit too. I can just get rid of the late night eating altogether. Either way, I’m going back down and I’m going to keep working out, before I see you all in 2021 — or 2022.

THE SECRET OREO AGREEMENT

oreos bckgrndFL title

OREOs are known as “Milk’s favorite cookie,” but what, in fact, does that statement even mean? What does it prove? Nothing. Did all of the milks get together in one place and vote for their favorite cookie? Is this just the cow’s milk population or were all the new vegan and strange mylks (with a “y”) involved in this process? Should the cows have a say in this? There would be no milk without the cows, plus cows have brains and milk has no brains.

Of course, I know that the phrase “Milk’s favorite cookie” was coined by some “clever” copywriter from whatever agency worked for Nabisco at the time. I love OREOs, I’m just saying that their slogan is stupid. Milk doesn’t care what you put in it. Do you think milk has a preference for which cereal floats around in it? It doesn’t, but if it did, it would most likely be Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

CTC Milk

I don’t think that anyone was really bored of the Classic and Double Stuf OREOs, but it is exciting that they have tried so many new (some good and some not so good) flavors. I’ve always been happy with a Classic or Double Stuf OREO, but I started trying out their new flavors recently, just because they are usually on sale. 

During the quarantine alone, I’ve tried Tiramisu, Peanut Butter Pie, Toasted Marshmallow and a few others that I’ve enjoyed. I’ve seen the Cherry Cola and Peeps along with many flavors that I didn’t think were necessary. There’s only one thing that I haven’t seen from OREO, and it’s the most obvious combo of all — The Reverse OREO.

Sure, there’s the Golden OREO, which is just switching out the classic chocolate wafers for golden vanilla ones. We’ve also seen the classic chocolate wafers with chocolate creme. But why is it we haven’t seen Golden Vanilla cookies with Chocolate creme? I’ll tell you why (or at least why I think we haven’t seen it).

It’s those damn Keebler elves. The Keebler Elf mafia got together with the Nabisco (NAtional BIScuit COmpany) family for a secret meeting, in their tiny secret tree boardroom, many moons ago to make sure that consumers would never see the “Reverse OREO” on shelves anywhere. If there ever was, that would ruin the sales of My second favorite cookies The E.L. Fudge Elfwich cookies (second favorite after OREOs, of course). Because an E.L. Fudge Elfwich cookie is just a “Reverse Oreo” in the shape of an elf with some witty writing on it’s backside.

el fudge cookies

I just hope this agreement expires soon so that I can see the “Reverse OREO” in my lifetime. There was a time where E.L. Fudge Elfwich cookies came in reverse, with chocolate wafers and some OREO-type creme filling. The Keebler Elves could do that because they run the cookie world. They’re hidden away in their tiny tree offices where no one will ever find them.

Well, now this must end, because I have to go find myself some E.L. Fudge Elfwich cookies and/or OREOs to eat. So, please enjoy this fun video of the OREO project I was a part of with some cool friends in my time at the Ad School.
(Thanks Justin, Matt and Wan)

 

*No actual research was done for this article. 

**If the “Reverse OREO” aka Golden OREOs with Chocolate Creme has ever existed for even a small point in time I have never seen them, and I won’t believe you unless you actually bring me some to eat.