Last week I learned a very valuable lesson about myself — I HATE STUPID ASS RULES!

On more than one occasion I’ve had an establishment tell me some dumb ass, made-up rule, and my opinion about that establishment instantly changed from, “Oh this place is kind of neat,” to, “EFF this EFFin’ place! I’m out of here, and I ain’t never coming back! EVER!” And there are three examples that I can think of off the top of my head, and two of these happened in the past two weeks.

# 1

The first one that came to mind is why PURDY LOUNGE is on my Blacklist (which consists of places I will not go to, and people I will not hang out with). My Blacklist isn’t written out anywhere, but maybe it should be. If I had an actual Blacklist to reference I could have written about endless occasions where a stupid rule has kept me out of places. I also could have wrote about the stupid people who I’ve blocked out of my life.

So, back to PURDY LOUNGE. I had only been about two or three times, and my rating was already a “HmmmMeeehh…” It was weeknight after class at the Miami Ad School (it may have been after a graduation, the one where I did my stand up set). I went with some friends from school to get pizza on Lincoln Road, at PIZZA RUSTICA (more like Pizza CRAP-stica! Am I right? HIGH FIVE!).

After Pizza, we decided to walk and meet some other school kids at PURDY LOUNGE. When we arrived the angry doorman told me, NO HATS ALLOWED. (Which was a big stinkin’ pile of BS, because I’ve seen people wear hats in PURDY LOUNGE. I’ve seen people in hats every time I had been there). I told him I could put my hat in my friends purse and he told me, NO, because then I would put it back on when I was inside.

The problem was my car was more than a mile away. He finally let me put the hat in my friends purse, but he did say, “If anyone sees you with that hat on, they gonna kick you out!” Yeah, I got it buddy, you’re very committed to this whole NO HATS POLICY you just made up. Like I’m some kind of idiot who is going to walk in and just put my hat back on. Then I walked into PURDY LOUNGE and everyone was wearing a hat *.

* I haven’t been to PURDY LOUNGE since then, and I plan on not going back ever. Not even for a birthday.

# 2

Some time in January a few of my friends and I decided we should learn how to Golf. Three of us already own golf clubs that we never use, so we thought — Hey, now would be a good time to learn. After over a full month of whacking balls at MELREESE by the airport, they decided to tell us, “Hey, you gotta wear a collared shirt here.” (and I told him, ‘Come on man! You don’t call them collard people?’ – Michael Scott, the Office, Season 1, 2005)

Up to that day I had only worn t-shirts, every time I went to MELREESE. My friend even wore a tank top one time. So, no sleeves is fine but if you have sleeves, you need a collar too?

If the guy would have told us this our first time, then maybe I would have said, “OK, collared shirt next time.” I do have my team USA soccer jersey which has a collar. But, since he waited over a month to say anything, I say EFF MELREESE! EFF it in the A, and I ain’t going back *.

* I probably will end up going back to MELREESE, and wearing my Team USA jersey, because my friends will go back.

# 3

The third incident happened last Friday. Sometimes on Fridays I go to the Gables to meet some friends after work, it’s for a thing called “Happy Hour” where the drinks are supposed to be cheaper, but they never are.

I always end up at Pasion del Cielo after work to write these things or do whatever work I need to be doing. Then, once someone tells me they are at THE BAR I walk over there and hang out for a bit. I usually don’t stay there for too long, because Friday nights at THE BAR = the worst people in Miami *.

* If you are reading this and you go to the bar every Friday, then you should know that you are a horrible person. But also, thank you for reading this and I love you.

This isn’t about the ‘horrible people at the bar’ though, it’s about the ‘horrible doorman at the bar.’ The horrible doorman who didn’t let me in because I had a coffee from PdelC. Last Friday was also ‘Giralda Under the Stars,’ where the street is closed down and filled with tables and bars. The man said I can’t bring ‘Outside Drinks’ inside THE BAR. It’s a Caramel Macchiato man! Not a glass of Ebola juice!

NO OUTSIDE DRINKS is a dumb rule. Especially that night because they had two outdoor bars that night. One in the middle of the street, and one in the back alley. So, everyone was bringing in ‘Outside Drinks.’

Now, thanks to this incident I don’t have to go to THE BAR on Fridays anymore*.

*But also this Friday I will be in Disney, so I may return to THE BAR next Friday, but I highly doubt that.

_____

Those are the three instances I quickly thought of. While writing this I thought of another NO HATS one, but that place closed down, so I win! If anyone ever gives you some bullcrap rule just don’t listen to them or leave and never come back. This is a good way to live a happy life.
Maybe I just have a problem with Bouncers or Doormen?

If that’s the case I leave you with this…