Elevator Etiquette (2.0)

I know I once had the idea of writing a learning about Elevator etiquette/behavior. I also have a lot of thoughts about elevators in general and how strange they are. But today, I’m here to talk about one of my problems with elevators: dealing with other humans in elevators.

I’ve ridden many elevators (or lifts, if you’re British) in my day. I’ve always been the type of person that doesn’t want to talk to a stranger on an elevator ride. Yes, I shared a up-and-down box-cart ride with you for a few seconds, but you don’t have to tell me “good day,” or “have a nice one” or anything of the sort because of it.

I won’t be mad if you just leave me in the elevator with my thoughts once you’ve reached your destination. And if we reach my destination first I don’t think you should be mad if I don’t say anything on my way out.

I get nervous about what to say, and when I feel like I have to say something to the person I usually just walk out and scream, “Bye!” at them. It’s people who have elevator catch phrases that I’m concerned about. People who say things like, “Have a good one,” or “Take it easy,” or even “See ya later!” Ok, “see ya later,” is a very strange one. You don’t know if that’s true. You may not see me later on, you may not even see me ever again in your life.

Now with the COVID-19 elevators have gotten a whole lot weirder. There’s new rules to riding an elevator. There’s a new cap on the number of people. Remember the simple days, when it was a weight limit and you just had to hope that the elevator wouldn’t beep or shake. Also, everyone could just pack into the elevator like sardines.

Today, there is a two to four person limit (on the elevators I’ve seen). There’s also a mask rule, so it’s harder to talk to people (of course some people are idiots and don’t think they have to wear a mask, but that’s a different story altogether).

I’ve even added an additional wild card. I now wear my Bluetooth ear buds for elevator rides, grocery shopping and pretty much anywhere else I want to avoid talking to people. And it always works. Or at least if anyone has tried to talk to me, I haven’t noticed. And that’s the same as it working to me.

I will continue to use my ear buds in public well after the pandemic…

DON’T TALK TO STRANGERS

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As children we’re taught not to talk to strangers. Then we grow up to become one of two types of people: (1) those who talk to strangers, and (2) those who do not.

I’m the second type of person. I definitely do not talk to strangers. I have nothing to say to random people I run into at bars, in lines or at the grocery store. I barely even talk to the people I know, because most of you people are weirdos.

Some people think, now that I’m a grown up it’s ok to talk to strangers. And they are wrong!

Just because I rode one floor in an elevator with you, it doesn’t mean I have to tell you to have a good day. This elevator ride was less than a minute. Now let’s split up and go our separate ways, never to cross paths again. And if we do cross paths in the future, just pretend you don’t know me, because you don’t.

Don’t tell me what you’re about to order when I’m behind you in line at Shake Shack. I don’t care whether you get extra Shack Sauce or not. I don’t even care to ask the people I’m with what they ordered. I’m just here to get my Shack Burger, fries and frozen custard.

And definitely don’t try talking to me when you’re next to me at a urinal. I don’t know you, sir. And I definitely don’t want to get to know you right now, with my wiener in my hand and your wiener in yours. We’re both here to pee and leave.

Have you ever been at a car dealership, waiting on your vehicle and a veteran starts talking to you. Or any old person. It’s literally the worst thing that could ever happen. They start telling you all their racist political beliefs and you don’t give a damn, but you can’t say anything because they’re old and crazy and you don’t know what they’re capable of. You don’t know if this person is about to change your beliefs. So, you just shut up and nod your head in agreement. No, that’s never happened to you? Well it’s happened to me way too many times.

Maybe I don’t enjoy talking to strangers because only the strangest of the strange have talked to me. Maybe I should shave my face and stop looking like a homeless person with a job. Maybe it’s time for an extreme makeover to attract a different kind of stranger. A more normal, prettier type of stranger. One who will ask me interesting questions. Not someone who will tell me why they’re voting for Donald Trump, and why I should join the revolution.

Maybe it’s time to start talking to more strangers?