Tag Archives: Jesus

High-Level Biblical Names

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I’ve never been close friends with anyone with a high-level biblical name. I’m talking about names like Jesus or Angel, maybe Judas or Abraham (I actually do know of an Abraham who is a terrible criminal). Those old school, main character in a story or proverb type names.

What I’ve learned from Movies and TV is that anyone with one of these high profile names is usually bad news. They’re always criminals or up to no good.

Side Quest:
In college, I met a dude named Michael Jordan who was my same age. His parents probably named him right before MJ became the biggest name in Basketball. By the time I met him, there was only one Michael Jordan (even Michael B. Jordan, the actor, uses his middle initial to make sure people don’t think he’s THE MICHAEL JORDAN). 

The point is, I’m sure everyone who met this average Michael Jordan that I met in college made some kind of joke about him being great at basketball. And, what if he sucked at basketball? How embarrassing would that be?

People might say things like, “Hey man, I thought you were Michael Jordan.”

Of course, he could have answered them with,
“I never said I’m THE MICHAEL JORDAN, I’m just A Michael Jordan.“

Maybe Movies and TV are right in this case. Imagine being named after THE JESUS. Everyone would expect greatness from you. Sure, they know you’re no Messiah, but even when your parents named you, they may have been thinking we are blessing this baby with this great name to go on and do great things.

Star-Lord, man…

What if your parents named you Luke Skywalker or Peter “Star-Lord” Quill or Bruce Wayne. You’d be expected to be some great hero, or to help those in need and stop bad guys. Of course, these kids would end up being outlaws or criminals (and probably made fun of all through their school years).

You know who’s the best person to be friends with? Someone named Damian or Lucifer …Beelzebub?

Lucifer

These are the kids that are expected to be pure evil. The kids you’re supposed to stay away from on the playgrounds. They have no expectations to be a decent member of society, which will most likely push them towards proving their crappy parents wrong for giving them evil names.

Maybe I’m reading into this too much and our names don’t really make us who we are. Most of us are named by our parents as tiny baby humans who can’t even talk or do anything yet. Names are basically based on the first time our parents see us. If you want to know who a person really is, don’t ask them for their name, ask for their nickname.

What do people call you?

BIRTHDAYS ARE WEIRD, RIGHT?

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This past Monday was my 30th birthday and if you didn’t say “Happy Birthday” by now, you’re already too late. I don’t care. Birthday’s are weird, right? Especially since the creation of the Facebook. I think Mark Zuckerberg created Facebook so he could have a database of all his friends’ birthdays. That’s not true. Mark Zuckerberg created Facebook because he had no friends and thought it would help, or was it because of his ex-girlfriend, Rooney Mara? It doesn’t matter why he did it, what matters is that he ruined birthdays.

Remember a time before Facebook? I’m talking pre-2004. When people had to remember their friends’ birthdays in their brain, or on a calendar. You would have to call your closest friends at 12:01 on their birthday, which later became a text anytime between 12:01 and 12:15. When you remembered someone’s birthday it was sweet, it could’ve even been enough to get someone to like you (not Facebook ‘Like,’ but like a real-life LIKE).

Then Facebook came along and ruined it. Now we’re bombarded daily with everyone’s birthdays and there’s no excuse to forget it. Also, you have to make a choice:

It’s Stacy’s birthday today! Hm, is Stacy a phone call friend? A text message friend? A Facebook post friend? A Facebook message friend? Do I give her a Facebook post and a text message? Do I call her at midnight, but then write on her wall tomorrow? What should I write on her wall? Just Happy Birthday? Happy Bday? Maybe just HBD, but that sounds like some weird kind of disease. Definitely not HBD. How about something more personal? Should I write a joke about that one time we kissed on the mouth? Should I make her an Instagram collage? Maybe a special tweet?

Facebook has now opened a can of birthday worms, and this can is opened daily. Some days there are like 10 birthdays, and I’m forced to choose my top 2 to 4 of them and write those people a message.

[TANGENT ALERT!] Do you know someone who gets really, really excited anytime they find out they share their birthday with someone else? Hey idiot! There are about 7.125 billion people in the world, but there’s only 365 days in each year, I think you’re going to share your birthday with a few people. Like million of them. (Also, I get excited about this too, unless it’s a shitty person).

When you think about it, birthdays shouldn’t really be that special. You didn’t do anything to be born. Birthdays are like buttholes, because everyone has one. Even Hitler had a birthday, and a butthole. So, that’s two things you now have in common with Hitler.

If anything we should give our parents gifts on our birthday, like the way Jesus does it. He sends his buddy, Scott Calvin a.k.a. Santa Claus to hand out gifts to everyone (as long as you’re a Cathy). I’m pretty sure this is how Santa got his job:

Hey Jesus! What you gonna do for your birthday?

Uh… I’m gonna give everyone presents!

Everyone?

Yup! Everyone! Well, everyone who believes in me.

Well, you better get started. You got a lot of followers.

I’m not gonna do it myself.

What? Who’s gonna give out presents for your birthday to other people?

Shoot! I’ll have that old dude that lives up North do it.

He’s got those magical deer.

You mean Old Saint Nick!

Yeah, him! What else is he gonna do on my birthday?

We don’t have to give presents to everyone for our birthday, just to our parents (but maybe not, because parents each have their own special day).

Even though birthday’s aren’t really that special I will continue to celebrate yours, mine and ours. And I will continue to post on your walls, text you, call you, Instagram collage you, and whatever new technology comes out. I’ll even WUPHF.com you if I have to. So, happy birthday to me and to everyone else this year.

THE END!